#119: Slow Death (2 April 1986)

MacGyver find himself in the subcontinent chasing down a train he missed in a taxi. The passengers onboard find this genuinely hilarious. "Look he's trying to catch the train in a taxi" one comments. "That's hilarious" another responds. After several stern "no's", MacGyver finally convinces the driver to slow down enough so he can jump on. MacGyver is a hero once on board, especially amongst his fellow Americans. They've never met anyone brazen enough to try and board a train after it has departed, but for MacGyver this is the kind of shit he pulls on a daily basis. There are definitely a few women on board the train that want to bang MacGyver and depending on how long the journey is, he may just get through all of them.

MacGyver spots a young Indian girl on the train and makes her a doll out of a piece of cloth and a rubber band. No explanation is given for this but I guess MacGyver saw she was Indian and assumed she was poor as shit and couldn't afford a doll. MacGyver is certainly very perceptive. That's one word for it, another would be racist.

After winning the hearts and minds of a train full of international travellers, MacGyver makes his way to the dining car and orders a roast lamb sandwich. This is one of the few times I've seen MacGyver eat in the series, meaning for now he's off the drugs.


A drunk one armed man asks MacGyver what he's drinking with his lamb sandwich to which MacGyver responds, "Milk". The one armed man, James, is pretty unimpressed with MacGyver's response, as he should be. Who the fuck has a glass of milk with lunch in hot as shit India? At least keep it local and have a Lassi if you need dairy. 


James comments that MacGyver is very perceptive, as he'd noticed James lost his arm only recently. He wasn't really that perceptive. James did knock over about 15 glasses and kept running into people. This could have been a symptom of his recent amputation but more likely his recent consumption of 25 standard drinks.


An African American woman by the name of Andrea approaches them and asks if James needs any help. James snaps back "I’m a cripple and you’re black, neither is condition for sympathy".


Is James comparing black people to cripples? Racism is rife in this episode. Sure, black people aren't the strongest swimmers but they more than make up for it with fast running and great rapping so I think James was more than a little out of line. One armed people can hardly do anything, except make negative comments about people based on their race by the looks of it.


A group of local bandits are rigging explosives on a nearby bridge. I have no idea what they're up to, but I'm guessing it will impact on the train's journey at some stage.

The recently acquainted MacGyver and Andrea take a seat in the dining car while MacGyver eats lunch.


Andrea: That was quite a way to board the train, why the rush?
MacGyver: No reason, I just wanted to get on the train so I could relax and enjoy the scenery.
Andrea: Just a tourist. Sure! What's the real reason?
MacGyver: I just hijacked proof of an illegal arms deal and need to get the information out of the country so that I can prevent a small war.
Andrea: Ok, I deserved that. I guess we're just a couple of tourists enjoying the pretty scenery.
MacGyver: From where I sit the scenery is very pretty.


MacGyver going for in for the kill yet again with his precision flirting. I'm glad that the producers are making the series more multicultural by introducing characters of different races. It shows that MacGyver doesn't discriminate and will finger blast Blacks, Whites, Asians, Arabs, the whole lot.


This is the first time in the series MacGyver has told someone what he does and they haven't believed him. The story did sound like bullshit but I'm guessing something will happen later in the episode that will make Andrea believe MacGyver.


Just as MacGyver's about to examine the contents of Andrea's "black box", James ruins everything by returning to apologise. Everyone is friends again.


One of the passengers jumps up and announces that he is taking over the train. The ticket collector gets in his way so the bandit shoots him.


Terrorists taking over a moving train? Sounds like the episode is moving into an Under Siege 2: Dark Territory type scenario. I'm hoping MacGyver takes on a Seagal type persona and uses those hands of his to not only finger birds but to snap wrists. And fix things that are usually hard to repair with items commonly found aboard a passenger train, obviously. 

The bandits are after two men, foreigners, one of which could be MacGyver for any variety of reasons. If they are after MacGyver is will either be drug related or because he banged someone's wife or daughter.


What do you do when you are confronted by an armed man but have no weapons in your possession? The best course of action is to splash water into their eyes, which is what MacGyver does. Andrea then throws her tea into the other bandits face and they run away. It should be pointed out that MacGyver used salt water, something to take onboard if you're planning to use this technique to foil a bank robbery one day.

MacGyver flees the dining car and makes his way to the roof of the train. He uses the local moonshine to coat the roof of the train and waits for the bandits in pursuit to catch up to him. Once on the roof, MacGyver sets the train on fire leading to them jumping off. I don't know if it's possible to survive jumping off the roof of a train moving at over 100 km/h, but this is MacGyver so I expect to see them in the next scene.

The train conductor informs MacGyver that once they cross the bridge they'll be out of bandit country. Unfortunately the bridge is rigged with TNT which the bandits detonate a mere few seconds before the train makes it across. The train is fine, as are the passengers, but they are now trapped in bandit country, where anything can happen.

MacGyver does a little work on the train ignition so if anyone tries to start it except for him they'll, in MacGyver's words, get their turban blown off.

The passengers are all terrified. It'll be up to MacGyver to calm them down and defeat the bandits, something he should be able to do with his quick thinking, life skills and bag full of drugs.


James is a doctor and although he won't be able to perform the surgery a bullet wound almost certainly requires with his one arm, he should be able to keep the ticket collector alive with his bedside manner and some warm water. Luckily the ticket collector is white so racism shouldn't get in the way.

Husan, the leader of the bandits rounds up all of the foreigners and explains why they've hijacked the train. Luckily for the passengers it wasn't for a Nazi style death camp but rather to find two individuals. 


The bandits had set up a clinic in their community to help care for sick children. They bought medicine from two foreigners for the clinic which turned out to be poison and 26 people died, including Hasan's son. Hasan wants revenge and with just cause.

Hasan has left it to the passengers to figure out who the men responsible are. In a surprise twist, the episode has moved from a fast paced, high octane, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory situation, into a much weaker game of Cluedo. Unless MacGyver turns out to be the guy responsible and has to kill everyone on the train to maintain his secret then I can't see this episode going places.

Just when the plot has stalled, things pick up in the acting department, with the introduction of a train employee. This guy is by far the worst actor in the series up to this point. He has this fucking ridiculous accent and I have no idea where the fuck he's meant to be from. Let's hope it gets more action in the third act.

All food and water has been confiscated in an effort to make them work fast in finding the killers. MacGyver believes they could be out there for a week before anyone starts worrying about them. He knows they need to find the killers as soon as possible. Personally MacGyver doesn't look worried and doesn't give a fuck about the lack of food, indicating that he has plenty of drugs on him. 

One of the other passengers, Laura, is really scared. Her boyfriend Andy wants to get married but she isn't so sure. They are in love but just haven't know each other long enough. Looks like there are going to be a shitload of filler scenes for the rest of the episode. MacGyver shows up and comforts Laura telling her it's going to be fine. Laura tells her boyfriend "he made me fell better" which means "I'll bang him later". If they really are out there for a week, for MacGyver it'll just be one big sex and drug orgy. 

Having sewed the seeds with Laura, MacGyver moves on to Andrea. MacGyver spouts some shit from the bible to which Andrea replies "in a weird way you're a comfort MacGyver". I'm predicting the series first inter-racial three way.

Elsewhere on the train James is flirting with one of the other female passengers, Diana, while looking after the ticket collector. He is feeling emotional due to the fact that he used to be such a great surgeon but now he's nothing. Diana tells him that he is something, he's still a doctor. Just because he's missing an arm it doesn't make him useless. He still has the knowledge, he'll just have to develop a stethoscope that is easy to use with one arm, like the drummer from Def Leppard did with his futuristic drum kit. He can still make a great contribution, he just needs to believe in himself. He is still coming to terms with the pain he gets from his phantom limb, but Diana tells him it will just take time. Having all of her limbs she clearly has no idea what the fuck she's talking about, but James takes comfort in this.

James lost him arm in an indecent that occurred at the hospital he worked at in London. He blames himself which makes it all the more difficult. An armed maniac high on drugs walked into the emergency room and pointed the gun at his patient. James put his arm up and said "just put the gun down", the guy didn't listen and blew his arm off instead. Every day since, only around 50 so not that many to be honest, he wishes he'd done something different. 

James: What do you want out of life?

Diana: To be purposeful, to be needed.

James: Oh, you are needed.

James and Diana share a kiss, the first for the series not involving MacGyver. The director could have explored the concept of phantom limb fingering, but for some reason chose not to. Perhaps this is the wrong forum. It is an issue that needs to be dealt with by someone at some stage. James and Diana would have boned which may have been a little awkward for the ticket collector but when you're shot on a train in the middle of nowhere you take whatever weird medical care you can, even if that involves being taken care of by a one armed man banging a chick in the bed next to you.

MacGyver makes a whistle out of a bottle cap that only horses can hear which will be needed in the next scene for some reason. He shows Andrea who is very impressed. 

The next morning Andy wakes up before everyone else and has that 'I'm going to do something incredibly fucking stupid look in his eye. He does something incredibly fucking stupid in trying to run away. The guards pull out their guns and just before shots are fired, MacGyver runs onto the scene, spin kicking one of the guards in the back of the head and blowing his recently produced horse whistle. This throws everyone off and luckily no one killed.

Andy was hiding under the train just before making a run for it and it appeared like one of the guards, who was shot from the waste down, had applied 'black hand'. Perhaps they didn't have enough extras and needed an Indian looking hand, but the application of shoe polish to a dudes hand just looked fucked, not as fucked as say C. Thomas Howell in the Soul Man, but still pretty fucked.

The guards were tipped off about the escape by Kramer, leading to the others believing he's the drug salesman. Kramer has something to hide, in his suitcase is a shitload of cash. Husan states that he paid in gold, so Kramer isn’t the guy, even though he looks sketchy as fuck. This begs the question why don't they just search the train looking for the gold?

MacGyver is getting pretty bored of the whole situation as Andrea doesn't appear to want his cock as much as he thought, so he decides it's time to get the fuck out of there. He makes a lie detector out of a stethoscope and an alarm clock, a foolproof method for finding the killer.


MacGyver tests the device on Andy and it appears to work perfectly. After the test has concluded Andy and Laura kiss, setting off the alarm once more. MacGyver comments "that was love, not lying", which Husan doesn't find fucking funny at all.

The next guy up, Webster, is wearing a pink shirt, and looks guilty as fuck. The alarm goes off when MacGyver asked him if he stole the drugs. He caves in and admits it was him and the train employee with the fucked accent all along. He grabs a gun and runs off.

MacGyver chases Webster to the engine car, where Webster smacks him in the face. Webster's plan is to drive the train out of there. MacGyver warns him that the ignition has been rigged to explode. Webster quips that perhaps MacGyver needs to have a go on his own lie detector and attempts to start the engine, electrocuting himself. Webster is dead but who gives a shit, he poisons kids.

Husan gets his gold back and everything returns to normal. Except for the people who died taking the drugs, they are still dead. And for Webster who is dead too. And for the train employee with the fucked accent, he'll be going to prison for a long time and hopefully never acting again. I think at the end of the day he was meant to be South African but it really is hard to say.


MacGyver makes the comment that while he'll be able to get them actual medicine this time, the medicine isn't a miracle cure, what they really need is a doctor, someone with the knowledge to take care of the sick, yet someone who has a serious disability and probably couldn't get a job in a regular hospital as who the fuck would want to work out there in the middle of nowhere with minimal pay if they didn't have to. James volunteers to stay and help Husan and his gang. He doesn't want to do it alone and Diana agrees to stay and help him out. Diana's mother, an upper class British woman, isn't angry by rather pleased that she's decided on something she wants to do with her life.


It looks like everything has worked out.

Right at the very end of the episode the small girl shows up from fucking nowhere and returns the doll MacGyver made back to him. That wasn't the best decision on her part as she needs it more than MacGyver and he'll probably just bin it on the way home anyway.

The episode taught us that trains in India are fucking dangerous, that losing an arm doesn't mean you can't bang chicks and a stethoscope attached to an arm clock can be used to accurately tell if someone is lying.