#203: Twice Stung (6 October 1986)

MacGyver is running late for his friends birthday. Luckily he's able to charter a fighter jet allowing him to get there just in time. This is the kind of pull MacGyver has. Late for a party 1000 miles away? No problem just get someone to drop you off in a fighter jet. MacGyver quips "It may not have been first class seating but who cares with pilots like this", who happens to be a hot brunette and one that MacGyver has either already banged or is about to bang. He probably tried to bone her in the jet which would have been inappropriate due to the complexities of flying a fighter jet, especially for a woman. 

After the boning scene, cut from the final edit, MacGyver shows up at the Phoenix Foundation. "The Phoenix foundation has thrown some wild parties before, but this time Pete really decided to do it up right". 

I'm sure the parties the Phoenix Foundation throw are absolutely fucking insane. MacGyver and Pete are both animals so I'm sure there is more coke than the final scene in Scarface and I wouldn't be surprised if some people die. Lots of tits too. Like heaps.

This party kinda looked a bit lame, so I assume the "Pete really decided to do it up right" was sarcasm. MacGyver is starting to realise that perhaps chartering the fighter jet for this shit was a total waste of resources. Still it's all on the company dime so he doesn't give a shit.

It's a surprise party and in an incident that has never happened on television before, the wrong person, in this instance MacGyver, enters and the guests yell "surprise". Everyone has to quickly get back into position before the real guest shows up. Will they have enough time! It appears they have plenty of time as the birthday boy Kelly has decided to not show up at all. Kelly has also decided to give MacGyver his favourite pool cue which is weird as it's Kelly's birthday so MacGyver should be giving him something. Suspecting something is wrong MacGyver heads to Kelly's place.

Inside, Kelly has shut all the windows and turned on the gas. He was trying to kill himself, probably because he'd caught wind that the Phoenix Foundation had thrown him a dog shit birthday party.

With the door locked MacGyver had to utilise the old tie-a-fire-hose-to-a-door-and-elevator-then-send-the-elevator-to-the-ground-floor trick. It worked getting MacGyver inside just in time. "Happy birthday Kelly". Kelly looked kind of pissed that MacGyver hadn't brought him a gift. How about the gift of life you ungrateful mother fucker. 

MacGyver: What was going through your mind?

Kelly: Leave it alone.

MacGyver: No I wont!

Kelly reveals that he's broke. He was cheated out of his life saving by some sketchy property developer. MacGyver knows a way Kelly can make some money, but it's unlikely Kelly swings that way.

MacGyver asks for a name and Kelly reluctantly gives him one, James Crowe, a badass who has been known to kill people. 

Pete does some research on the Commodore 64 and find out that Crowe sells coke, which immediately piques MacGyver's interests, he's a stickup man and general fraudster. he also has a penchant for white suits and panama hats. 

Enter Joanne Rimming, a new Phoenix Foundation employee with a dubious name that will give MacGyver his first pickup line. The two are introduced and Joanne reveals that she's heard of MacGyver, he's the guy that does the whatchamacallits, the MacGyverisms, where you turn one thing into another. MacGyver is stoked that Joanne has heard of him as it should make getting her into bed that little bit easier. No doubt he'll be trying a MacGyverism on her, turning her virginal ass into a fully penetrated one.

It turns out that Joanne is an expert on cons and as Kelly was conned out of all of his money, the three of them decide the best way to get back at Crowe is go all unconventional and con the conman, even against Pete's better judgement. There's the setup to what should be a classic MacGyver episode!

Crowe loves racing, so Pete and MacGyver head to the track and find him in less than 30 seconds. Pete is wearing a fucking garbage disguise which I'm hoping doesn't impede on the plan. Even though they are working undercover, Pete still uses MacGyver's real name which I assume when going undercover is a mistake. Maybe it isn't, what do I know.

The plan is relatively straightforward. Pete is pretending to be a cop. MacGyver is going to fake hustle him infront of Crowe. Crowe will be impressed with MacGyver's hustle of a cop and will want to get in on the action. Then they'll both scam Crowe out of the $400 000 he got out of Kelly and everything will be square.

So MacGyver bets on every horse and presents Pete with the winning ticket. Pete thinks MacGyver is amazing and promises to cut MacGyver in on something huge. Crowe sees all of this and likes MacGyver's style. The plan has worked absolutely perfectly. Crowe and MacGyver plan to meet down at the stables in 20 minutes to talk about the plan some more.

Everything is going smoothly when Joanne shows up. This is going to totally fuck up the plan. Joanne reveals that she is tired of being in the office, she wants to be out in the field where the action is. MacGyver totally would have boned her right there in the stables as part of her "field work" but Crowe shows up so that'll have to be postponed. 

Crowe is about the beat the living piss out of a trainer who didn't do what he was told to. MacGyver has to think quick to save the trainers life.

MacGyver asks Joanne for a bobby pin and some buttons. Joanne asks if this is another MacGyverism. If taking a nerdy looking chick and making her hot by removing her glasses and showing some tit, ala She's All That, is a MacGyverism, then I guess Joanne was spot on. 

Then MacGyver wipes dirt off her ass.

Intervening just in time, MacGyver stops Crowe from beating Benny the trainer to death. Benny had better do what Crowe says from now on as MacGyver won't be there every time to help him out. He was about 80 years old so probably doesn't that long left anyway. 

The three of them discuss the plan. Pete is a crooked cop, had plenty of gambling debts and is in love with Joanne. He's do anything he can to clear his debts. Crowe just needs to supply 1kg of coke and then they'll scam the buyer with 1kg of real shit and 9kg of baby powder.

Back at Phoenix Foundation, Joanne, Pete and MacGyver discuss the plan to scam Crowe. Pete wants to use the Boston Bang while Joanne wants to use the Toledo Twist. They never explain what either of these fucking things are so from a viewers point of view I couldn't give two shits. They end up selecting the Toledo Twist and Pete is pissed as he'd already gone out and bought heaps of shit for the Boston Bang. What kind of shit I'm unsure of but I hope he kept a receipt.

Crowe meets up with the Phoenix Foundation crew at a hotel and gives them the 1kg of real coke. In walks the heavily disguised Kelly, who is playing the role of the buyer in the scam. The disguise consists of a pimps suit and sweet beard. There is no way Crowe will recognise him. Unless he was wearing that shit when they originally met. 

Kelly ad libs some lines which wasn't the way forward. He should have stuck to the script as his bullshit ended with him getting shot at by Crowe. Luckily Crowe missed and Kelly didn't die but that shit could have gone all wrong. Crowe has to flee the scene before the cops get there and the gang plan to meet up later to talk about the plan.

The next day Crowe is pissed as the coke was somehow lost in the deal and he doesn't like losing money. They decide on a new plan. Crowe is to give them $400 000 which Pete will turn into $2 000 000. He will do this by stealing cash from the property room at the local police station. After losing money in the coke deal I have no fucking idea why Crowe would give these assholes more money, but he agrees to the plan. What a dick. If he was as badass as he said he was he'd just kill them all then and there.

So the elaborate plan is to take a bag with $400k into the property room and switch it with a bag with $2 million in it. What a fucking weak plan. They all agree the plan is awesome for some reason, perhaps they are all on drugs, and have a good laugh about it. Hahaha! Fuck off.

MacGyver pays Joanne a visit to tell her that the plan is too dangerous and that she cannot be involved in it. Well this is what he told her, but I feel this was just a rouse to get into her house and more importantly into her pants. Just a MacGyver was about to break out some of his well worn yet clearly successful pickup lines, some goons show up to take Joanne for 'insurance'. Knowing that there isn't even enough time for a quick blowjob MacGyver decides he'd better rig up something that can be used to take out the goons. Joanne had been doing some amateur photography, with emphasis on the amateur, before MacGyver showed up so he decided to rig up the lights in such a manner that they'll flash, blinding the goons when they enter the room and trigger a switch. So he's going to flash a bright light in their eyes. Weak as piss.

Joanne: What are going to do?

MacGyver: Try and brighten their evening up a bit.

Weaker than piss.

Almost a little too perfectly the goons enter the room, the switch is triggered, the goons are blinded by the flash and MacGyver runs into the room, kicking one of the goons in the balls and punching the other in the face. They flee the building but are unable to escape from Crowe who is outside with a gun. Crowe takes Joanne for the insurance policy. Shit just got real.

MacGyver meets up with Pete and they discuss the plan. Crowe has always escaped prosecution due to technicalities so they decide that perhaps they need to do a little setting up to get Crowe to where he belongs. Behind bars. For the first time in the episode they don't discuss every fucking element of the plan before it takes place.

MacGyver and Pete pretend they don't give a shit about Joanne. Well perhaps they just don't give a shit about her. Sure she has pretty decent cans but she is also pretty annoying. This lures Crowe in. He wants to go into the police station with Pete and MacGyver, exactly want they wanted.

Once they get Crowe inside, they strip him making me think that the plan has DRASTICALLY changed from what it previously was. They were talking about how Crowe had always escaped prison so I think the new plan is to give Crowe a little bit of prison justice. In the ass.

It turns out MacGyver just wanted Crowe's clothes for a disguise. Pete and MacGyver lock Crowe in a trunk and take him into the evidence room, where he is removed from the trunk and chained to a pole.

MacGyver and Pete take Crowe's cash and get the fuck out of there. The goons see MacGyver dressed as Crowe, believing it's Crowe and run off to retrieve the truck they think is filled with the $2 million. This gives MacGyver the chance to rescue Joanne from the caravan parked across the road. I'd say at this juncture they boned.

The goons collect the trunk, which MacGyver has rigged so the bottom falls out. Inside the police station, the cops realise that Crowe is inside the evidence room so the alarm the alarm is sounded. Police stream out of the building and arrest the goons.

The goons are fucked. Crowe is fucked. Joanne got fucked. MacGyver fucked Joanne. Pete is fucked on coke. Kelly is fucking stoked as now he has $400 000 and isn't dead.

The gang drives off in a van, MacGyver throws his hat out the window and the episode ends with everyone happy. Except Crowe.

MacGyver taught us that you can con  professional con artists with shitty, shitty weak as piss cons, that She's All That was practically a documentary and that white suits are awesome. 

#202: The Eraser (29 September 1986)

The episode begins with MacGyver playing hockey at the local skating rink. He reveals that as a kid he was known as a "rink rat" and while I don't know what that is exactly, I know MacGyver, so it's probably a term used to describe dudes who hang around skating rinks trying to score drugs or bang chicks.

Right outside the rink in a parked car, a German guy hands over a suitcase containing $750000 to a guy named Simmons. Now if Simmons or the Germans are the bad guys in this episode, which is pretty fucking likely given that nothing in MacGyver happens randomly and the East Germans are MacGyver's enemy in 90% of episodes, it seems like a strange coincidence that the exchange is taking place literally metres from where MacGyver is playing hockey.

The exchange was for a high tech weapon. The Germans have to pick it up themselves from the dock in a box labeled sauerkraut. Simmons reveals to his girlfriend that the boxes don't contain the weapon and are literally filled with sauerkraut. Getting two boxes of sauerkraut could not have been easy for Simmons. I mean the quantities of cabbage needed alone. You probably could have just left the boxes empty dude.

Back inside, MacGyver states that as a bonus for his last assignment Pete hooked him up with a scrimmage with the LA Squires, who I had to find out were not a real team the hard way, using google. MacGyver gets rammed hard into the wall and hits the ice. Judging by the the way he was looking at the goalie, it probably wont be the last time he gets rammed hard during the course of the day.

MacGyver takes a dude out with the elbow and get thrown in the penalty box for rough play. Judging by the the way he was looking at the goalie, it probably wont be the last time he is involved in rough play that evening.

I don't know what kind of a player MacGyver is, but so far I've only seen him on the ice or in the box, so I'm going say he just flat out sucks. Judging but the way he was looking at the goalie, something about sucking, blah. You get it.

To make matters worse for MacGyver, Pete shows up and gives him shit about being in the penalty box and generally sucking at hockey. Pete wants MacGyver for an assignment, involving unsurprisingly the recovery of top secret technology handed over to the East Germans.

At this point in time we are introduced to Jimmy, a down and out ex-con recently released from the joint after a 10 year stretch. He meets up with an old dude in a park who asks Jimmy to call him Poppa Chuck. It turns out that the two are old acquaintances which explains a lot of things but not why the fuck the old dude wants to be called Poppa Chuck. I'm all for nicknames, but this one just fucking blows.

It turns out that Simmons, the dude who fucked over the Germans, also fucked over Poppa Chuck so now he wants him dead and Jimmy is the man to perform the hit. 

Jimmy: My heart just isn't in it anymore.

Poppa Chuck: But you're the Eraser!

Shitty nicknames are the order of the day. This does also explain the episode title. Jimmy accepts the mission.

Back at the rink, MacGyver also accepts the mission to track down Simmons which will lead him to the East Germans and they'll be able shut down this "technology pipeline".

MacGyver is allowed out of the penalty box but eats the ice again after about 3 seconds. He really is balls.

After the game Pete gives MacGyver a hot tip regarding Simmons whereabouts. He owns a bar downtown, so MacGyver heads down to check it out. After some time in the showers.

Down at Simmons' bar the soda tap is fucked so MacGyver repairs it with a cocktail stick. MacGyver runs into Jimmy who was obviously also tipped off about Simmons possible whereabouts. MacGyver orders a ginger ale, as he tends not to drink while on a mission, but he's clearly taken loads of coke. Surprisingly he doesn't try to bang the bar chick.

It turns out that that Simmons isn't at the bar, but he also owns a car yard, so MacGyver heads there to check it out. Jimmy follows MacGyver, knowing that he is the man who'll lead him straight to Simmons.

Simmons is a hard man to track down. He isn't at the car yard and no one has seen him for days. MacGyver catches Jimmy following him. Jimmy spouts some shit about Simmons being his son and that the two haven't seen each other for years. MacGyver buys the story and agrees to keep Jimmy in the loop if he finds Simmons.

MacGyver makes his way to Vectrocon Systems, some computer company and Simmons' base. Simmons has his hands in so many fucking pies it's no wonder MacGyver can't track him the fuck down.

MacGyver comments that he doesn't know why someone would sell their countries secrets and that the most common explanation is also the hardest to understand, simple greed.

Against every instinct he has, MacGyver enters Vectrocon Systems though the elevator shaft. Simmons office has some extremely tight security, indicating that something not right is happening behind those doors. The lock is electric so MacGyver is able to short it out and gain access to the office.

MacGyver finds Simmons Rolodex and stops on the number of a person named Linda. This could be case related but a more likely explanation is that he stopped on her number for personal reasons. MacGyver had spotted a photo of her in Simmons office and she is certainly hot enough for him to bang. MacGyver utters "see you soon Linda" which isn't creepy at all and makes his way out of the office.

After exiting the building MacGyver gets punched in the face by one of Poppa Chuck's goons. MacGyver fights back with a sweet ninja throw and takes out one of the other goons with a rubbish bin, a plastic one at that, which isn't an easy feat.

MacGyver turns to find a gun pointed at him. He is fucked. Luckily Jimmy shows up and kicks the guy with the gun in the face which is extra awesome as he has bad knees. It looks like MacGyver and Jimmy will be working together now. An ex-con and a rogue agent, sounds like Hardcastle & McCormick just without the car. But way tougher.

MacGyver takes Jimmy back to his place which has a basketball ring for no apparent reason. While playing basketball, Jimmy reveals that he played baseball for the Boston Braves for two weeks back in the 1940's. How fucking old is this guy?

Jimmy tells MacGyver that he loved adventure and traveling, he was always looking for a new place, that next piece of excitement. He racked up a lot of miles but not many people. He sacrificed personal relationships for adventure. Now he just wants to go where the weather is nice and watch kids play ball.

Is this a little too close to home for MacGyver? Perhaps Jimmy can teach him something about life.

MacGyver offers Jimmy a place to stay and Jimmy accepts. I'm not sure if Jimmy knows about MacGyver's sexual orientation but I'm sure it won't be long before he finds out. Jimmy cooks dinner and then they have a game of table hockey, the loser of which has to do the washing up. They are chatting like the best of friends and they share so much in common. If MacGyver ever needed a sidekick this is the man. Jimmy could even get his own spin off series where MacGyver pops in from time to time. It would be called the Eraser and would be rad.


Jimmy asks if MacGyver ever dreamed of making in the pros. MacGyver reveals that he did and you can tell he's sad that he didn't. Professional hockey players get to bang hot chicks and do drugs so not much would be different in his life to be honest.


Jimmy then asks MacGyver about his current line of work. MacGyver plays it coy. You can't reveal too much too soon. Still the two are great friends after 20 minutes of knowing each other.

The next day we see MacGyver waiting in a car park. "Simmons girlfriend and I have a date, so just doesn't know about it". Dude this stalking shit is getting out of hand. MacGyver decides to eat lunch early and on the menu today is a bag full of alfalfa sprouts. What the fuck?

"I like alfalfa sprouts for two reasons, lots of minerals and they don't stain your clothes".


The second MacGyver mentions this he drops a bunch of sprouts on himself, but luckily they don't stain clothes. Hilarious and totally not predictable at all.


Now I don't want to judge, but alfalfa sprouts are bullshit. Maybe you can throw a few in a salad if you're a dickhead but who the shit is eating an entire bag of them for a meal? Get the fuck outta here. 

MacGyver proceeds to follow Linda. I'm still not sure if this is case related or just for personal reasons. I'm getting a kinda rapey vibe of MacGyver which is totally not cool.

At this juncture we discover that Jimmy saving MacGyver from certain death was a set up. The whole thing was orchestrated so that Jimmy could get close to MacGyver. Luckily he has stellar acting skills and was convincing enough for MacGyver to buy the whole bullshit story. The goon Jimmy punched was pissed though. "Look at this. My eyes are my best feature. Especially this one". Comic relief. 

Meanwhile Linda and Simmons go and get a bite to eat and MacGyver uses the opportunity to jump in the car and fuck around with the car phone. When they return, MacGyver fake dials the car, Simmons answers then hangs it up, leading to all the car doors locking and not able to be unlocked. Oh and the car won't start. What in the fuck is that? MacGyver is clearly a master of car electronics. And a badass.

MacGyver then calls Jimmy and tells him where Simmons is.

MacGyver informs Simmons that the game is up. He's going to turn him over to the FBI who will no doubt beat the shit out of him and then put him in whatever the 80's equivalent of Guantanamo Bay is. Probably Latvia. Before turning him over though he's going to let him speak to his dad one last time. Simmons informs MacGyver that his father has been dead for years. MacGyver then realises he's been set up. Just to confirm this to dead shit viewers who may have missed what the fucks going on, Jimmy shows up with a gun.

MacGyver and Simmons are able to escape to a warehouse before Jimmy shoots them. They come to a dead end and appear to be trapped, well that is until MacGyver makes a rocket out of a pipe, a rag and gas cylinder and blows a door open.

The inevitable confrontation between Jimmy, MacGyver and Simmons occurs. MacGyver convinces Jimmy to not shoot Simmons, showing that he really does have a heart of gold and is clearly a reformed man.


MacGyver hands Simmons over to the feds and all is well. Oh except for Jimmy as Alfie informs Poppa Chuck that he didn't ice Simmons, so now Alfie has been asked to "put Jimmy to sleep" in an extremely creepy voice. That old guy is completely fucked.

The next day Pete heads over to MacGyver's house where he's eating a huge bowl of whipped bean curd. What a dick. Pete is clearly unstoked on MacGyver's new age bullshit too. Pete informs MacGyver that the East Germans have been picked up and that Simmons file has been tampered with. MacGyver logs onto his BBC Micro and finds Simmons file, after a quick game of Granny's Garden. MacGyver is able to read between the lines and figures out that there is a hit out on Jimmy. How he was able to do that is anyones guess. MacGyver is vert perceptive however. Mostly in determining which chicks will bang him when he's at a party, but also for other work related shit too from time to time.

"Where do you find a man that could be anywhere"?


At a baseball field in about 15 minutes.

MacGyver tells Jimmy about the hit and that he needs to get out of town. Jimmy informs MacGyver that you don't run from these people. He knows his days are numbered. 

The goons also know Jimmy's love for watching kids play ball which isn't weird at all as it was a simpler time. Old dudes at kids baseball games would be arrested these days. Jimmy and MacGyver make a run for it, but will Jimmy's bad knees hold up? Also didn't Jimmy say about 30 seconds ago that you don't run from these people? MacGyver obviously convinced him otherwise.

The two find another warehouse and hide out in the costume room, which begs the question what kind of fucking warehouse is this?

Jimmy: They won't stop until they've killed me.
MacGyver: We'll just have to make them think they have.


MacGyver uses a mirror and aluminium foil to rig up a room straight from Enter The Dragon, but way shitter. The plan is to get the goons to shoot Jimmy's reflection making it look like they've killed him. This plan is weak as fuck but I'm 100% certain it will work.

The goons shoot "Jimmy" though the window and MacGyver applies some paint to look like fake blood.

The goons enter the warehouse and find the costume room with Jimmy laying shot on the ground. One of the goons raises his gun to shoot Jimmy again when MacGyver scares them off with an alarm sound generated by blowing on a comb wrapped in a piece of foil. What in the fuck? I have no fucking idea how they didn't realise the sounds was coming from behind a box in the corner of the room and not from outside. And it totally sounded like a guy blowing on a comb, not a police siren. They are absolute dead shits.

MacGyver has successfully faked Jimmy's death, getting creepy old Poppa Chuck off his back once and for all.

Jimmy: I owe you MacGyver.

MacGyver: How can you owe a friend?

Meanwhile the goon reports back to Poppa Chuck with the witty "It looks like the eraser got rubbed out" line. Poppa Chuck didn't find it funny at all. I thought it was genuinely funny. I guess Poppa Chuck is just a grumpy old fuck with no sense of humour.

Pete arranges a fake funeral for Jimmy so it all looks street legal. The budget the Phoenix foundation has must be astronomical. Pete has also arranged a new name and identity for Jimmy and secured him a job working for a baseball team in Florida. That Pete is a great guy.


We see Jimmy in Florida teaching the baseball dudes a thing or two about the game and dare I say life.

The episode ends with a great fade between Jimmy and MacGyver implying that perhaps they are actually the same person Fight Club Style or Jimmy is a future MacGyver like in some time travelling film, ala Time Cop. Or that they are just great, great friends.

MacGyver taught us that it's ok to be shit at ice hockey, that you can lock a car door by fucking around with the car phone contained within said car and that you can create an effective alarm sound by blowing on a comb wrapped in foil.