#113: Flame's End (29 January 1986)

Amy's boss is dead. Killed in a car accident. The news would have sent shock waves through the Westport Nuclear Processing Facility if anyone was there. Amy is working late yet again. Her colleges all left hours ago, gone home to be with their families, while Amy is still there. Alone. I actually have no idea who the fuck Amy is, nor the work patterns of her colleges. All of what has been written so far is made up, except for the part about the boss. He really is dead.


MacGyver is at home dressed in hockey gear. I'd go as far as saying he looks "hockey as fuck". He is involved in a table hockey battle with a young lady whom he will most certainly be banging later. For some reason he is also putting on a shitty Canadian accent and by "putting on" I mean using his regular accent and saying "eh" at the end of every sentence. One possible explanation for this is that he's doing a Wayne Gretzky impersonation, but to be honest I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

Back at the facility, Amy tries to make a phone call but the line has been cut. Feeling that something isn't right, she grabs a confidential file and gets out of there. After hiding the file in the facility, she finds a phone in a corridor and makes a call, a call to MacGyver.

Amy: Mac, I need you. I think someone is trying to kill me. I don't have any right to involve you in this, but...

MacGyver: Wait a minute. You've got every right. Where do we meet?

Amy: Our beach.

MacGyver: I’ll fly out tomorrow.

The phone call is cut short, as Amy had to flee when she noticed a guy in a yellow suit coming after her.

MacGyver and Amy know each other, but how? I need to know, and I need to know right now. Luckily the agonising wait didn't last long as in the next scene a MacGyver soliloquy heavy on the bullshit filled in most of the gaps.

The past is a strange country, you go back and it doesn’t recongnise you. I’ve changed in ways I didn't know and if I was a stranger, who was Amy? It used to be Amy and me. One word back in that time and that place. Amy stayed. I moved on and what was between us changed, stretched out over distance and time.

So MacGyver and Amy were a couple back in day. What made MacGyver leave? What made Amy Stay? Having already used a soliloquy, these burning questions had to be answered in the form of a flashback.

At first I wasn't exactly sure it was a flashback as no soft focus was used and Amy looked exactly the same age, but when MacGyver pulled up on a motorbike wearing a leather jacket it was clear that this was a simpler time. Amy was also listening to "Crocodile Rock" but I wasn't sure if that meant it was 1973 or that she just had shitty taste in music. Either way it was amazing how the producers could so effortlessly recreate the 1970's through the use of only a leather jacket and Elton John.

The flashback showed an excited MacGyver telling Amy how he'd signed them up for a job on a boat travelling to Italy, North Africa and Sicily. Amy seemed unexcited, possibly because MacGyver tried to sell Italy and Sicily as two separate countries or that North Africa is rather vague and could mean anywhere, including some pretty sketchy places, like Libya. 

Amy: What about your degree?

MacGyver: What about it?

Amy: 10 miles down the road they are building a Nuclear Processor and they are going to need people with science degrees.

MacGyver: I took physics because it interests me, not to buy myself a job.

Amy: I don't know.

MacGyver: It will be all about us.

Amy: Maybe you should go.

MacGyver: Just like that.

MacGyver wanted to see the world and Amy wanted to get a shitty job at a potentially dangerous Nuclear Processing Facility, so they had to go their separate ways. I'm not saying that Amy isn't hot, but I will say that he most certainly made the right decision.

Just as the flashback sequence comes to an end, a car pulls up at the beach earlier referred to as "our beach". I'm not sure if that meant MacGyver and Amy purchased a beach while at University or if it was more metaphorical, but that place certainly had meaning for the both of them.

MacGyver looks over toward to car just in time to see Amy wave at him and the car explode. 

MacGyver was clearly shocked and devastated at the events that had just taken place. Although Amy and him had parted many years ago, he clearly still had feelings for her. If MacGyver had have known in advance that she was going to get blown up in a car before he'd had a chance to bone her or at the very least get a blow job, then there is no way he would have travelled all that way. 

The police arrive on the scene to investigate the blast and in the report put it down as a gas leak. MacGyver isn't so sure. He finds a piece of the gas tank that appears to have been pierced by something and shows it to the police. MacGyver wants it taken down to the lab for testing because this wasn't no mother fucking gas leak.

MacGyver is reacquainted with Tim, a friend of his from College who worked with Amy at the plant. The meeting was short and almost pointless, indicating that Tim will be of significance to the plot at some later stage. MacGyver didn't seem that excited to see his old friend, but someone he was about to bang was just blown up, so he is justified in acting like a bit of a dick.

MacGyver attends Amy's funeral which appeared to be held some 45 minutes after the explosion. I guess that is the way they do it there. The explosion probably took place really close to the graveyard so it was just easier to bury her then and there. That would also explain the low turn out. It was just MacGyver, Tim, the cops and one other dude. Maybe she was just a dick and nobody liked her.

After the funeral MacGyver gets in his car but just before he starts the engine someone jumps forward from the back seat. It's Amy. But how?

She must have faked her own death in order to make the episode less shitty.

She explains to MacGyver that it wasn't her in the car but her roommate Bonny. After the death of her boss, which she knew was no accident, she feared for her life so send Bonny to pick MacGyver up. What a great fucking friend you are Amy. There was a high probability that you'd die going to collect MacGyver so you sent your friend instead. Fucking nice one.

MacGyver had never met Bonny so didn't really give a shit she'd died. It meant that he'd almost certainly get to bone Amy, but just to make sure, he had to make Amy feel really guilty about what had happened so he pulled out the "you have no idea what it did to me watching you die and then watching them lower your coffin into a grave".

I'm pretty sure this worked and he finger blasted her in the car ride home.

MacGyver wanted to know what the fuck was going on. There were so many questions that needed to be answered. Why were so many people dying? What is happening at the plant? Did Amy's coffin have a jet-ski in it?

Amy explained that a few days ago she found out someone has covered up the theft of enough uranium to build a nuclear bomb.

Back at the plant we see Tim flicking though an old year book where we learn that MacGyver was the science officer and that Tim, Amy and himself haven't aged since the picture was taken. This is lucky for Tim who looked old as fuck as a College student.

Meanwhile the Coroner has discovered that Amy wasn't the girl who burned up in that car. This information is passed onto the Police Chief leading to an international manhunt. I assume it is international, but for the time being the search is confined to the perimeters of the town. 


Amy knew she was safe with MacGyver, "you always carried a pocket full of junk and you always fixed everything".

MacGyver has come to the conclusion that the uranium was most likely stolen by someone from inside. Seeing as Tim is the only other character we've been introduced to in the episode, even at this early stage it is pretty fucking likely he was the one responsible. MacGyver and Amy head back to the plant to get the report she had hidden earlier.

Amy made an unsubtle "I let go too easily once" comment at the plant which made things pretty awkward. I understand that seeing MacGyver for the first time in several years has brought back a lot of emotions and she clearly still has feelings for him, something that needs to be discussed at some stage, but not fucking now Amy, not fucking now. You are on a mission to get stolen Uranium back, which is priority number one. You can't let your feelings get in the way at a time like this.

The files were still hidden and easily retrieved. The guy dressed in yellow was camped outside the fucking door from about three days earlier, just biding his time until Amy came back.


He locked them in the room where the file was hidden, a room that has the main purpose of receiving radioactive sludge as Amy indicated with "if we were in here when that valve opened we'd be covered with 5000 gallons of radio active sludge".


Almost immediately the valve that releases the radioactive sludge opens. The door is attached to a timer and cannot be opened for 60 minutes, yet the sludge will reach them in around 10 minutes. Simple math for indicate that they are indeed fucked.


MacGyver suggests they do some time travel and speeds up the clock by shorting it out which opens the door just in time.

Amy comments that macGyver should run for president, which is a great suggestion as what The United States needs amidst this current economic turmoil is someone with the ability to open a fucking door that is usually difficult to open, and I mean that literally, not in some kind of shitty "open to the door to economic freedom" metaphor.  

Once they break out, Tim arrives on the scene and showcases his acting ability with a weak as shit "what's going on"?  I can only assume the director told to ask what was going on yet to do so in monotone voice that indicates you don't really give a fuck what is going on. If that was the case then he nailed it. He backs this up with "never a dull moment with MacGyver", which I assume is ironic as he is "with" MacGyver yet his delivery is a dull as shit.

Amy comments "he does a lot of that, thinks about the past. So do I".  


I can't feel sorry for Amy. This really is a story as old as time itself. A girl has a great boyfriend who seeks adventure, but she decides to not follow him. Years later his life is great but she has ended up married to the job, never finding true love again. Her life is filled with regret and all she wants is to turn back the clock and make the right decision this time. The lesson is if you have a great boyfriend don't be a fucking dick and just do whatever he wants to do.


MacGyver tracks down the missing uranium in what appeared to be a cloakroom. Great hiding by the party responsible.


Guy A: Where should we hide the uranium?
Guy B: How about under that pile of coats.


With the uranium found, the only missing piece of the puzzle was who stole it?


The mystery doesn't last long, actually only about 5 seconds, as Tim shows up pointing a gun a MacGyver. Fucking Tim. I didn't see that coming. No wait, I did about 20 minutes ago. Being the only other character in the episode apart from the police chief made it pretty fucking obvious. My advise would be to get some more supporting characters in the future, that way it keeps the audience guessing as to who may be responsible.

MacGyver knows that Tim is a pussy and that he won't shoot them if they just walk away, so they just walk away and Tim doesn't shoot them because he is a pussy.

MacGyver just has to alert the authorities about the missing uranium and this whole situation can be over. Just as macgyver is about to get on the phone the police chief shows up also pointing a gun at MacGyver. It appears he is in on it too. Sure why not?

It is revealed that they can get $50 million for the uranium on the open market and that a deal has already been set up. Tim redeems himself by trying to stop the chief from shooting MacGyver and Amy, getting shot himself in the process. One of the stray bullets hits a console in the control room sending the plant into meltdown. The chief grabs the uranium and makes a run for it.


Tim has lost all hope, but if there is one man who can stop a nuclear meltdown with no formal training or prior experience, it is MacGyver.

His plan is to open the reactor manually, "taking the pressure down" John Farnham style and stopping the meltdown. Amy suggests that this will kill him in which he responds "no way I haven't paid my taxes", showing that his ability to make great jokes in a critical situation is still intact.


MacGyver heads off to undertake the dangerous procedure which in the business is known as a "high pressure bleed and feed". MacGyver runs into the chief on his mission. The chief pulls out his gun and starts shooting. MacGyver yells back that if they don't co-operate and stop the meltdown they will all die and having the uranium won't matter. The chief isn't interested so MacGyver has no choice but to spin kick him in the face.

MacGyver knocks the chief into a stream of highly contaminated material. This dose is enough to turn the chiefs badge black. Earlier in the episode everyone was given a badge that starts off white but if it turns black it means you have been exposed to too much radiation and you will die.  


MacGyver doesn't give a shit about the soon to be dead chief and who can blame him, he was a bit of a dick.


Amy tracks down macGyver and and the two get to work on stopping that meltdown. The two need to climb a very long ladder to get to the vent which is a problem for Macgyver due to his extreme fear of heights but he handles that dilemma with minimal fuss.  


MacGyver finds the vent but drops his wrench down a hole so is forced to use a gun to open the vent. I assume this was some kind of symbolism from the director showing that guns could be used for good as well as evil in addition to the fact that it was against everything MacGyver believed in to handle a gun, but sometimes the ends justifies the means, especially when you are using a gun to open a vent that will stop thousands from dying and not shooting someone in the face. 

Amy and MacGyver would have made out at this point in time but they were wearing the masks so it was impossible. This was for the best as Amy is harbouring feelings that just aren't reciprocated by MacGyver so the kiss probably would have been something MacGyver would have regretted later but then again he did finger blast her in the car, so maybe I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

The next scene showed MacGyver leaving Amy's house clearly in the morning, so he banged her and I was wrong.

Amy's parting words went something along the lines of "sometimes I wish we could find our way back to the crossroad Mac". She wants to go back to that time, the time when it was Amy and MacGyver, inseparable, in love, their whole lives ahead of them. She wants to find herself at the crossroads so she can take that road least travelled, the road that isn't for everyone, but the road that was for MacGyver.


MacGyver already had the car started and was reversing out of the driveway so he clearly just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I think the other chick was still at his house waiting to finish that fucking game of table hockey.


At the end of the day MacGyver and Amy just weren't meant to be.


Tim also died back at the plant. I forgot to mention that, but fuck that guy.

MacGyver taught us that it is ok to bone an old flame after years of not speaking, that you can stop a nuclear meltdown with no training and a wrench and that ex-girlfriends of his are always living in the past. 

#112: Deathlock (22 January 1986)

MacGyver is back in East Germany for the second time in two weeks, meaning he must have a shitload of Interflug frequent flyer miles. What kind of airline name is Interflug? It sounds fucked. Actually MacGyver returned to the US by boat last time so he probably doesn't have that many miles at all. This time he has to get out of East Berlin which apparently wasn't easy back then. I just used the subway but I guess it was a simpler time in 1985. After much deliberation and research it was finally concluded that the only way out of East Berlin for MacGyver was via a coffin.

It's common knowledge that nobody ever checks a coffin at any border, even a communist one, as nobody wants to do a cavity search on a corpse so it's better to just let it go. It's part of a silent code, a code that allows for 98% of all drugs to be trafficked across borders. I didn't think MacGyver would use the "I'm dying to get out" line but I was wrong.  

After getting across into West Berlin the East German guards received a tip off from someone, probably a wronged lover of MacGyver's, and started opening fire on the coffin. The guys carrying the coffin threw it from the bridge they were on into the river below. Once in the water, MacGyver blew the lid and sides off the coffin revealing a Jet Ski, which allows him to Jet Ski all the way back to America. Yes, that is correct, inside the coffin was a carefully hidden Jet Ski. A Jet Ski. A Jet Ski that allowed MacGyver to get to safety. In a coffin. What in the name of fuck?

Now I'm all for miraculous escapes, but there is no way you're fitting a Jet Ski in a coffin. Also, where the fuck are you getting a Jet Ski from in East Germany? This is a place where it was a difficult task to acquire self raising flour, let alone a Jet Ski. Come to think of it MacGyver would have just made it out of an old turntable and a wardrobe.   

Someone has uploaded this classic if somewhat unbelievable MacGyver escape and it is available to watch here.

ROLL CREDITS

The episode begins with the introduction of Quail, the least threatening bad guy since the Camp General in #102. MacGyver is the only blemish on Quail's record according to the panel of men discussing him in the darkened dungeon like room the meeting is taking place in. There really haven't been enough underground lairs in the series so far. It is up to Quail to get the information MacGyver smuggled out of East Germany back, in a story line reminiscent of the one way back in the last episode.

MacGyver arrives in town in a helicopter, the least subtle way to arrive anywhere, and as such several foreign agents start following him almost immediately. A woman by the name of Karen shows up in a Porsche and collects him. She pretends to be his girlfriend so MacGyver decides to play a character too, the deadshit-tow-truck-driver character he played so convincingly in episode #109, which must be MacGyver's go to character in a bind, or perhaps he isn't a very good actor. The chick is a double agent assigned to get MacGyver to safety, so after rape kissing her they get the fuck out of there.

MacGyver is wanted by the East Germans and Pete has decides it is best to take him to a safe house that nobody knows about, so Karen proceeds to get MacGyver to the largest safe house known to man.

MacGyver wastes no time chatting up the chick with the "I thought I knew all the pretty girls in the office" line that has never worked in the history of male-female office relationships.

Pete tells some shitty story about the first time he and MacGyver met. It involved MacGyver saving Pete from quicksand and then making him ride a camel for 6 days. Hopefully this isn't turned into a retrospective episode at some stage. Camel storylines are so played out.

It turns out the safe house isn't so safe after all with Quail watching their every move from a control room hidden somewhere in the mansion.

Quail really looks creepy as fuck. There is no doubt he is on a sex offenders register somewhere.

MacGyver is introduced to Mrs. Chung, the very best code breaker there is, who is charged with the mission of breaking the encryption on the information MacGyver smuggled out of East Germany utilising the power of the Commodore 64.

Quail announces over a loud speaker that he's in the house watching them all and then blows up the computer. Mrs. Chung tries to escape from the room but is poisoned in the process by a needle in the door. It isn't revealed if she is dead or not, but it doesn't really matter as she failed to impress with her one line of dialogue and she seemed pretty boring. I don't think she could make MacGyver any better and I'm sure MacGyver could crack that code himself anyway. MacGyver reveals that Quail double crossed the British for the Russians years ago and then doubled crossed the Russians for the East Germans. This explains Quail's British accent and shitty moustache. MacGyver ran into Quail with a plane load of stolen military computers a few years ago and MacGyver stole them back. This is why Quail is pissed with MacGyver and seeking revenge. Quail lets the three know that the entire house is booby trapped and that there is no way out, through a broadcast on a black and white TV.

The three of them investigate the front door which is unlocked but rigged with motion sensor machine guns. MacGyver throws a suit of armour outside which gets the shit shot out of it.

The three head into the kitchen where MacGyver turns on every electrical device in order to jam the video and audio in that room. This gives them a room free from monitoring where they can formulate a plan.

Pete has a mobile phone located in the library and heads off to get it. Quail has hacked into the line somehow, so when Pete uses it, he is instantly electrocuted. Pete is unconscious but not dead. 

In the kitchen MacGyver kisses Karen, after which she stated "thanks, I needed that". I'm not sure what the motivation for this kiss was, but it could have been that Karen was a good kisser before or simply that MacGyver was trying to wear her down with his exceptional kissing skills in an attempt to get her into bed.

Karen leaves MacGyver in the kitchen to explore the house, well at least that is what she tells MacGyver. It turns out she is actually full of shit and on Quail's side. I knew from the moment I saw her that she was a double crossing whore. It must have been the hair. I feel bad for MacGyver as they'd just shared an intimate moment in the kitchen and now it turns out she doesn't even like him. 

When told that MacGyver was making something in the kitchen, Quail responded with "he likes to make clever things out of odd bits" indicating that he knew MacGyver well, perhaps too well. Could he be the man to finally take MacGyver down in this episode? 6 more seasons of the show tells me no.

So just what was MacGyver doing in the kitchen? It turns out he'd constructed a fully functioning robot out of a blender and the suit of armour. He let this robot loose outside, attracting the gun fire, giving him a clear path to freedom.

Quail gets on the loud speaker and informs MacGyver that he will kill Pete and Karen if he doesn't return immediately. MacGyver takes a bit of time to think about this, indicating that he really wants to bone Karen and makes his way back to the house.

MacGyver heads back inside, finds Pete alive and takes him into the room with the potentially dead Mrs. Chung. After some smooth detective work MacGyver discovers that Karen is working for Quail but for some reason doesn't punch her in the face. She reveals that she is only doing it because her brother was captured on a mission in Czechoslovakia and that he would be killed if she didn't work for Quail. MacGyver says that if she helps him, they'll capture Quail and use him in an exchange for her brother. She agrees to this proposal. 

Quail decides enough is enough and it is time to take MacGyver out. Some motion sensor guns are rigged up inside the house, but MacGyver creates a smoke screen using baking soda allowing them to escape the main lobby through a secret door Karen knows about.

Karen reveals where Quail is hidden but that he has guns. MacGyver needs Quail to come to him and the only way to get him out of his control room is by cutting the electricity.

Karen: What are you going to do?

MacGyver: Invite the man to a party.

Karen and MacGyver then share their third kiss for the episode making it abundantly clear that they'll be banging once this whole Quail situation is over.

MacGyver cuts the power drawing Quail out. He had previously rigged up a water cannon in the power room and a periscope so he can see Quail coming. When Quail finds them, Karen pretends to be back on Quail's side and pushes him into the path of the water cannon knocking him back into a huge fuse box which would have most certainly electrocuted him. 

It's important that Quail lives as MacGyver promised Karen that they'd use him in exchange for her brother. If Quail is dead from the electrocution they'd have to exchange him Weekend At Bernie's style which should prove to be an hilarious episode in its own right.

The Weekend at Bernie's plan turns out to be moot as Quail is alive. MacGyver pulls out the "this one is free of charge" line and punches him in the face.

With Pete and Mrs. Chung out cold in the other room and Quail also out for the count, Karen and MacGyver have the place all to themselves kind of. With the three kisses earlier, there is certainly a spark between the two and there is no doubt MacGyver would have boned Karen, or at the very least finger blasted her before investigating on Pete and Mrs. Chung.

So at the end of the day, Quail's death house is booby trapped less dangerously than fucking Home Alone resulting in him being captured, Pete isn't dead and Mrs. Chung is also alive but probably won't be coming back for another episode after a poor showing in this one.

MacGyver taught us that it is possible to fit a Jet Ski into a coffin, that booby trapped houses need to be well fucking booby trapped to catch him out and that just because someone double crosses you it doesn't mean you can't finger blast them.

#111: Nightmares (15 January 1986)

"It’s a known fact that 80 decibels of rushing water is one of the most pleasing sounds known to mankind".

The episode starts off with a statement that has been debated numerous times since the original screening date. Not a year goes by without University lecture halls housing debates as to if MacGyver was correct in asserting that humans want to hear nothing more than running water at 80 decibels. While the statement may be contentious, it acts as the perfect set up for the opening scene, a dockyard, where there is lots of water. Actually it isn't that perfect as the water isn't rushing at 80 decibels. Come to think of it, the statement has fuck all to do with the episode at all and would have been best preserved for an episode involving a waterfall or something.

MacGyver is at the dock as he'd just returned from East Germany on a ship, indicating that his funds may be running out, as there is no way you'd get a boat from East Germany to the USA unless you were broke as fuck. He has taken some time off recently so that could explain it. His drug habit could also be getting out of hand. It really is difficult to say. I'm sure he has some money coming his way as he did blow up that Nuclear Plant and rescue the General last week. He probably gets paid monthly and is just having a short term cash flow problem.

MacGyver smuggled some important information out of East Germany and is waiting for his contact so he can make an exchange. While waiting, he helps a girl out who was trying to catch a fish unsuccessfully, by making a lure out of a gum wrapper. She catches a fish approximately 8 seconds after dropping the line into the water, proving gum wrappers are the most effective lures.

MacGyver meets up with Pete Thornton for the first time in the series, a guy that I always knew as MacGyver's boss from watching the show as a kid. He was in the pilot episode but playing a different character, the head of that underground fucking laboratory. MacGyver has a list of terror suspects to hand to Pete. The East Germans are also there at the docks to intercept the package. Pete tells MacGyver to get the intel out of there and he'll handle the Germans.

Pete gets shot in the arm immediately, proving that he isn't really that great of a dude to have on your side. With him out of action MacGyver decides to hide the intel in the base of a street lamp as he is drastically outnumbered and doesn't want to hand the list back to the Germans.

MacGyver approaches a cop, who turns out to be one of the Germans dressed as a police officer, a spectacular ruse. This fake cop takes MacGyver out with a blow to the head and MacGyver is taken away to an old warehouse.

MacGyver is interrogated at the warehouse, but ever the patriot he refused to give up the location of the terrorist list. The East Germans have numerous interrogation techniques at their disposal in order to get information they want. Today they decided to go with the lethal injection that takes 6 hours to kill the person it has been administered to unless an antidote is taken. All MacGyver has to do it give up the list and the antidote will be his. The lethal injections other symptoms include disorientation and hallucinations, things MacGyver has to deal with on a daily basis with his extended drug use.

MacGyver is locked in a room containing a bed and a sink. Anyone who knows MacGyver knows that this is more than enough for him to use to escape, even under the influence of hardcore hallucinogens, so fuck knows why they left him in there in the first place. Couldn't they have just stayed with him for the 6 hours? Even MacGyver would give up the list eventually. Instead they decide to lock him in the room which he'll inevitably escape from.

The escape took even less time than I expected. MacGyver uses water from the sink to short out the fuse box downstairs luring the guards to his room. MacGyver then lets loose with a slingshot he'd made out of the bed, knocking the guards into a pile of barrels giving him enough time to escape.

By this time MacGyver is tripping pretty hard. Any normal man would have crashed out on the road, their attention fully occupied by flying unicorns, or they'd be beating the shit out of imaginary pirates, but not MacGyver. He's been here before. It's a dark place. A really dark place, but MacGyver has the experience to focus and work his way through it.

These drugs must be pretty hardcore as MacGyver is looking really fucked. He almost gets hit by a truck and then falls to the ground possibly distracted by those unicorns from before.

In an unlikely twist of fate, Lisa, the chick MacGyver helped catch a fish at the start of the episode just happens to be walking down the same street. She sees MacGyver all cracked out and ignores the rather sound advice of her friends to leave a drugged out stranger alone.It turns out that Lisa is a runaway and she takes MacGyver back to her squat, something that really isn't advised. Sure MacGyver is a sound guy but it could have just as easily been the ruse of a serial rapist, help someone catch a fish then act all cracked out hours later so the person you helped get the fish takes you back to their place and then, boom, rape time. Lisa was stupid, but she got lucky this time. Let's hope for her sake she doesn't pull this shit again in the future. She has enough problems as it is, living in an abandoned building with pretty poor insulation that will be a nightmare in winter, possibly the catalyst for the naming of this episode, and such limited funds that she has to catch her dinner from a dock that will no doubt lead to her getting heavy metal poisoning. 

Lisa tells her story to MacGyver who is now hallucinating way less. Lisa has an abusive father, who beat her, resulting in a court case where all the Judge did was tell her father to get his act together. Lisa tells MacGyver that "he got his act together all right, on my face". I'm not going to take to liberty to suggest that there was incest action going on and that "his act" on her face meant jizz but many others no doubt drew that conclusion from the fact that Lisa doesn't have any bruises. Either way MacGyver was certainly angry with Lisa's father for the abuse.

The East Germans track down Lisa's friends who give them her address. The friends were justified in giving away her location, after all the last time they saw her she was hanging out with drug fucked stranger so probably feared for her safety. They make their way to Lisa's place to get MacGyver back and find out once and for all where that fucking list is.

The injection MacGyver was given erased his short term memory but he gets it back at this point in the episode telling Lisa his story. He looks at the watch he was given by the Germans and realises just what it's counting down to and that his time is almost up.

The guys looking for MacGyver are outside so he rigs up a MacGyver Time Buyer ® using a car battery and a TV tube. When the door is opened the TV tube will explode, buying them valuable seconds.

MacGyver attracts his pursuers to their location with a transistor radio shredding out some gnarly 80s rock. This acts as a double time buyer as the face melting guitar work should entrance the Germans long enough to get a few more escape seconds.  

The first guy there opens the door, setting off the TV tube explosion. He is undoubtedly blinded by the glass flying into his face from the TV screen.  

MacGyver then uses a fire hose to fake an escape from the building. The pursers now think MacGyver has left the building and leave too.

MacGyver tells Lisa to call Pete Thornton of the Department of External Services at the Federal Building and explain everything. MacGyver is headed back to the warehouse to get the antidote before it is too late.

When Lisa and MacGyver part ways some seductive saxophone music is played, the type of music that is usually reserved for lovers in films, which could be deemed as inappropriate as Lisa is seriously about 15. Then again, she could just look young for her age and the music could be an indication of things to come later in the episode.

Back at the warehouse, MacGyver is confronted with a guy that up this point has been busy eating a sandwich in every scene he's featured in. This scene proves to be no exception and as everyone knows it is always easy to overcome a guard who is eating, especially when other characters have made reference to how the guy is always eating at various times throughout the episode. Whenever you hear a "do you ever stop eating", you just know the character will at some later point get the shit kicked out of him because he is distracted by food.

With the guy eating a sandwich, MacGyver is easily able to get past him, stick a nail in a car tyre attracting the him to the other side of the car, and then smash him in the face with a car door when he bends down to have a look. If he didn't have a sandwich none of this would have happened.

Lisa's message finally gets through to Pete after a someone on the Department of External Services switchboard decided that it wasn't serious. I hope they get fired. MacGyver's life is at stake for fucks sake.

Once inside the building, MacGyver takes out the other guards by setting off the smoke alarm and then dropping full water cooler bottles on their heads when they come to investigate. Having successfully taken out all the guards, the mastermind behind the poisoning operation is now the only guy left and is forced to confront MacGyver himself. After a brief scuffle, MacGyver's nemesis throws the antidote down a drain, sealing MacGyver's fate. There are only minutes left before the poison takes over MacGyver's body and as it is so precisely made, it will take effect after exactly 6 hours, not a minute before and not a minute later.

MacGyver is pissed that he's about to die at the hands of an East German so musters together all of his remaining strength and knocks him the fuck out. Just at this time Lisa shows up to help MacGyver out.

You can never write MacGyver off, and I had a feeling he'd be able to get that antidote back. At first I thought that Lisa was going to fish it out of the drain using a lure made out of a gum wrapper harking back to the heady days of 6 hours ago but I was wrong. A real missed opportunity from the writers on that one. People love it when things come full circle in the space of an hour. It gives people the opportunity to say to themselves "hey, that happened earlier, what great writing to tie it back in at the end".  

Instead MacGyver makes a magnet out of a pipe. He must have noticed earlier that the antidote was housed in a metal case. After a failed first attempt, MacGyver gets the antidote and takes it with merely minutes remaining. Everything is going to be just fine.

Fuck knows where Pete got to, but it turned out MacGyver didn't need him in the end anyway. He probably would have just got shot again.

MacGyver recovers the list of terrorists from the street lamp and meets up with Lisa again down at the docks. MacGyver has had a talk to Pete and the Department of External Services have decided to arranging a government scholarship for Lisa so she can complete her studies. 

Judging from the sexy saxophone music played previously, Lisa's elation at the scholarship and the fact that MacGyver could get his way out of any potential future statutory rape charge by sighting the fact that hallucinogens had been administered to him against his will, therefore rendering it impossible for him to have the required mental state at the time to be responsible for his actions as a defense, it is likely that at this juncture MacGyver took Lisa back to her place to bang her.

MacGyver showed that having a history with mind altering substances can be advantageous and that you can use the excuse of being drugged to bang underage chicks.

#110: Target MacGyver (22 December 1985)

A female General has been kidnapped, proving yet again that women shouldn't hold positions of power in the military, and it's MacGyver's job to rescue her.

Rather than going for the tried and tested abandoned warehouse, the kidnappers decided that a beach house situated mere feet from the sand was the perfect hideout. MacGyver does some of his finest work on and around the beach so I don't suspect this rescue mission should prove too taxing.

Penetrating this fortress of security was MacGyver's first task, made all the easier by the fact that the backdoor was left unlocked. Once inside MacGyver had to come up with a rescue plan using only the utensils found in the kitchen. The plan was simple yet effective, pile a heap of pots and pans on a bag of ice placed next to a toaster oven and oil the floor. The toaster oven melts the ice, causing the pots and pans to fall on the floor which will coax the kidnappers out of the living room and into the kitchen where they will slip on the floor and be unable to get up for a period of time long enough for MacGyver to get the general out of there. MacGyver also took a bag of carrots but that probably had more to do with his vitamin C deficiency than rescuing the General.

The set up goes according to plan and MacGyver is able to get the General out of there. After slipping on the floor for a comically long period of time the kidnappers finally get out of the kitchen but their attempt to apprehend MacGyver is foiled as he is able to trap them under a sun bed.

MacGyver makes a call to his ridiculously named contact "Pacman" informing him that the "lady General" is safe and then hits the beach to have a chat to the chicks playing beach volleyball he was checking out earlier.

ROLL CREDITS

Not 5 minutes after returning from rescuing that fucking lady General, MacGyver is sent to the Middle East to destroy a nuclear refining plant that the CIA believe is being used to manufacture nuclear weapons.

Security is usually pretty tight at this particular refinery but MacGyver is able to get in and set the detonator by simply wearing ninja attire.

After blowing up the refinery MacGyver heads home only to find some asshole sitting on his fucking couch. MacGyver has just rescued a lady General and blown up a nuclear refinery so the last thing he wants to do is get home and have to deal with some guy from head office. All he wants to do is chill the fuck out and have some time to himself. Is that too much to ask?

It turns out that the guy isn't there to give MacGyver an assignment but rather to warn him that he is now a target after the nuclear refinery incident. A guy by the name of Axeminster has been hired to take MacGyver out. Apparently he is the best there is which is lucky as you don't want to be a pussy with a name like Axeminster, which is the most fucking badass name in existence.

MacGyver decides to get out of town for a while just until things cool down, so heads to Denver to visit his Grandfather who he hasn't seen since he was 10 years old. It is an icy reunion with MacGyver's Grandfather telling him he shouldn't have come. Fucking old people. MacGyver took the time out to come and visit his Grandfather and that is all he gets. It's not like he has anything so important to do that MacGyver's presence is a hinderance. He should be grateful for the company the stupid old cunt. 

Axeminster is able to intercept a message MacGyver had sent to his Grandfather previously and makes his way to Colorado where he assembles the best team of killers Denver has to offer.

Henchman: How do you want MacGyver, dead or alive?

Axeminster: ... DEAD.

What a fucking badass.

Back at MacGyver's Grandfathers house, the old guy reveals that after his son, MacGyver's father, died he just broke down and had to get away from everything which is why he'd moved to Denver and hadn't contacted MacGyver since. MacGyver still has a few issues with his Grandfather that he needs to deal with, but this confrontation is a good start. The healing has began.

Axeminster finds MacGyver's Grandfathers cabin easily enough but the two are not inside, they've made their way to a river for a spot of fishing. Just as MacGyver hooks a big one, bullets start raining down on them so they are forced to jump overboard and sacrifice the fish, which Gramps is more than a little pissed off about.

The two narrowly avoid being shot and make their way to shore unscathed. It's eight armed men, one of them the ruthless and brutal Axeminster, against two unarmed men, so MacGyver is going to have to use every trick he knows to get out of this situation.  

Denver just happens to be home to a plant from the Urtiga family that is highly toxic to humans and will knock you out for hours if you get some in your bloodstream. MacGyver stumbles across this plant on the banks of the river and constructs a blow gun and poison darts out of the plant and some reeds.  

MacGyver informs his Grandfather that for it to work you need to get them in the neck, which he does when he comes across two of the guys who want him dead. MacGyver's Grandfather is a little more old school and takes the second of the guys out with a piece of wood.

Two down, six to go.

It's around this time that MacGyver's Grandfather deems it appropriate to ask what the fuck is going on in which MacGyver replies with "it has to do with freedom and peace and some people who don't like either". Yeah whatever dude. It has to do with some guy who wants you dead because you blew up his factory. Gramps replies that he hasn't done this much running since being chased by a Grisly showing he is just as badass as Axeminster, just a little older.

We find out at this time that MacGyver's Grandfather's name is Harry and that he taught MacGyver everything he knows about creating decoys, a technique employed by MacGyver on a daily fucking basis ever since. Without his knack for creating diversions MacGyver would be fucked, actually he'd be dead by now, so he has a lot to thank his grandfather for.

This conversation proved to be the perfect segway into MacGyver and Harry constructing a diversion, the first of what I anticipate will be many.

Harry fills a jacket with twigs to make it look like a person and MacGyver drops it out of a tree into a passing jeep causing the jeep the crash into a ditch. While not technically a diversion and more of a dropping-something-from-a-tree-into-an-oncoming-vehicle it did what it intended killing or at least critically injuring the passengers.

And then there were four, and only one jeep.

In what can only be described as extreme bullshit part 2, MacGyver creates a land mine out of a buried pine-cone covering in tree sap that when detonated has the power to blow up a jeep.

Unfortunately for Harry extreme bullshit doesn't extend to immunity from gunshot wounds, an he takes one in side. While not critical, the gunshot wound certainly slows him down, but with Axeminster's jeep recently destroyed by a flaming pine-cone his posse are also on foot now.

MacGyver and Harry make it to the nearest town where Harry thought they'd be able to get help from the local police or at the very least get in contact with some law enforcement agency, unfortunately Harry hadn't been there for about 25 fucking years and the place was a ghost town.

They find shelter in an old tavern and MacGyver treats Harry's wound with a mixture consisting of fools gold and clay, much the same as used in hospitals. Harry reveals that he was hurt with the loss of his wife and daughter, MacGyver's mother, and wanted to avoid MacGyver because of the bad memories seeing him brought back, but he did miss him all these years. This was a touching scene, perhaps the most touching of the series, so touching in fact that it made me almost forget that MacGyver had treated a potentially serious gunshot wound with mud.

With night near, MacGyver decided to set up some traps around town to help take down Axeminster and his remaining posse at the inevitable showdown. These traps included an explosive made out of grain dust, a diversion created using a hook and thread tied to a curtain and a loose veranda awning. 

No sooner has the sun risen than Axeminster and his team roll into town. Gramps breaks out his curtain diversion instantly, two of the dudes check it out and MacGyver blows them up with the explosive grain dust.

Gramps then gets in on the diversion action by shoveling some pine nuts in a fire creating a gunshot sound luring one of the other henchmen over giving Gramps the opportunity to hit him over the head with a plank of wood. Gramps just loves beating the shit out of dudes with pieces of wood.

So far the traps have worked perfectly leaving only Axeminster alive.

MacGyver jumps off a roof landing on Axeminster and blows are exchanged. This is a fight for the ages, not too dissimilar to that between Rocky and Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, except much, much shitter. Unlike in Rocky IV the decisive blow in this battle involves a loose awning and a falling roof crushing Axeminster. It was a sad demise for one of MacGyver's most badass enemies.

Although the odds were against them, MacGyver and Harry were able to defeat Axeminster and his goons.

It was time for MacGyver to leave Colorado. To say it was an emotional goodbye is an understatement. MacGyver was reunited with his Grandfather after almost 20 years, a man that taught him the art of diversion and how to catch a fish. There were laughs, there were tears and there was lots of killing. MacGyver said he'll be back and this time it won't take 18 years.

MacGyver taught us that if you're outnumbered eight to two you'll always win provided you have flaming pine-cones and explosive grain dust in your possession.