It's really hard to know how to feel about this. The missiles are in the wrong hands but they were before the theft anyway. They could have been stolen by freedom fighters or really inept criminals making the heist a good thing.
MacGyver is at a club watching an old guy lay down one of the sickest saxophone solos of all time, rivalling even the one on Billy Ocean's "Get outta my dreams, get into my car".
It turns out the guy playing saxophone was MacGyver's old College professor. This guy could rip it up like a motherfucker, and in the 80's if you could rip it up on the saxophone you were constantly knee deep in snatch. MacGyver knows this and that's probably why he's there, to get some of the professors discarded pussy.
There is a glitch in the Snake Eye missiles guidance system, the professor has figured out how to overcome the glitch and MacGyver needs to know how it's done. Why is MacGyver dealing with this issue in a night club? Isn't this type of issue better left for business hours? The professor is fighting off pussy left and right and MacGyver is asking him about a fucking missile guidance system. Get the fuck outta here. Go and see him in his office on Monday morning. MacGyver is probably there to score drugs and figured he'd kill two birds with the one stone. I still find it inappropriate.
One of the professor's current students, Kate, hacked in the Department of Defence's system detecting the glitch. Now she is wanted by the Department for breaching security. The professor promises to talk to MacGyver about how to fix the glitch once MacGyver promises that nothing bad will happen to Kate, after all she is helping the Government by figuring out how to fix the glitch. MacGyver agrees and the professor leaves.
In the car park the professor is attacked by two guys wanting information about the missile guidance system. There is a struggle and the professor is shot. MacGyver runs over, but the professor is in a bad way. He has only enough time to tell MacGyver "you have one of the finest minds I have ever encountered, I expect you to...".
He died before he had a chance to finish his sentence but I imagine it would have gone something along the lines of, "you have one of the finest minds I have ever encountered, I expect you to find the guys that shot me and beat the living piss out of them".
MacGyver is out for revenge. This time it's personal.
It turns out that the guys who stole the missiles and shot the professor know about Kate and know that she is the only one left alive who can fix the glitch in the missile guidance system. Yes, the only person on the planet who can fix the glitch is an 18 year old girl still in school. Their plan is to track down MacGyver, "one of the governments top blood hounds". If they find him, they find Kate.
With MacGyver's mission turning into a find and protect Kate scenario, the episode has taken on a Terminator feel. The whole thing is exactly like Terminator, except much, much shitter. And MacGyver isn't from the future.
The look on MacGyver's face when he first tracked down Kate wasn't so much one of relief but more disappointment when he realised that she wasn't hot. Actually she kind of looks like a dude, not that looking like a dude will deter MacGyver. He'll still bone her if given the chance.
After MacGyver reveals that he was involved in a sexual relationship with the professor, often engaging in the act while on campus, by stating "I spent some of the best times of my life right here in this classroom with the professor", he offers to give Kate a ride home.
MacGyver lets it slip while speaking to Kate's mum that she'd hacked into a government computer and was wanted for questioning. Kate's mother was very disappointed and Kate was pissed that MacGyver has revealed her secret. She probably should have given him that hand job he was hinting at in the car ride over.
The Department of Defence show up and take Kate in. They ask Kate to show them how she hacked into the system which she does. While doing this, she also hacks into the buildings server, changing several setting. This makes everything in the building go ape shit. Elevators wont go to the right floor, alarms go off, printers start printing out things people haven't sent to the printer, photocopiers shoot paper out all over place. Then she turns the lights off and escapes. It's fucking mayhem in that building. And realistic.
I have no idea why terrorists fly planes into buildings when they could easy bring the world to its knees by simply hacking into a server and printing out the script to "Weekend at Bernies 2" over and fucking over at every office in America while making sure the copier insists it is out of toner even though you only replaced it 5 fucking minutes ago and jamming every email inbox with 2000 dick extension mails daily. The world would be fucked.
I have no idea why terrorists fly planes into buildings when they could easy bring the world to its knees by simply hacking into a server and printing out the script to "Weekend at Bernies 2" over and fucking over at every office in America while making sure the copier insists it is out of toner even though you only replaced it 5 fucking minutes ago and jamming every email inbox with 2000 dick extension mails daily. The world would be fucked.
After escaping, Kate makes her way back to the University where she finds MacGyver attempting to hack into her computer. She tells MacGyver he'll never guess the password. Little does she know that MacGyver has the ability to wear her down psychologically and coax it out of her.
Kate tells MacGyver that she isn't pretty. MacGyver knows this. Everyone knows this. The statement reveals that Kate has even lower self esteem than he though. This should make it relatively easy for MacGyver to accomplish his two goals, getting the password out of her and getting his dick inside of her. MacGyver does his finest work on chicks with low self esteem. "You're a pretty girl when you smile". It has begun. Kate responds with "No I'm not".
This response prompts MacGyver to guess the password is "Ugly Duckling", which it is. Fuck knows how he came up with that. The self referential password is kind of wishful thinking for Kate as the whole "Ugly Duckling" thing implies that she's going to turn into a swan, which just isn't going to fucking happen. Unless she invests in years of plastic surgery, or goes on the TV show "The Swan". I don't think they still make that show however.
Kate and MacGyver's conversation continues along the same lines.
Kate: I'm Ugly and weird.
MacGyver: You're special Kate.
At this point I'm really hoping the episode turns into one of those films where the chick is super ugly and all the boys don't like her, then MacGyver gives her a makeover by cutting her hair and buying her a new dress and she becomes hot as shit. A MacGyver makeover would be fucking rad. And would certainly involve a brown leather jacket.
Just as MacGyver is about to make a lunge for Kate's cans, the guys who killed the professor show up. I'm not sure Kate getting kidnapped at this point in time would make her better or worse off to be honest. Who knows what MacGyver would have done to her.
MacGyver and Kate quickly put on headphones, possibly to listen to some of dead professors sax work, and switch on a sound oscillator deafening the killers.
Unfortunately the oscillator comes unplugged, MacGyver gets pistol whipped and Kate is taken.
MacGyver recovers a few minutes later to find Kate gone. "It's become apparent to me that Kate and I think a lot alike". When did he determine him and Kate think alike? MacGyver must have suffered a concussion or mild brain damage when he was pistol whipped as I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about.
MacGyver believes Kate has left a clue on the computer. A clue about what, the location the kidnappers took her to? How in fucks name would she have done that? MacGyver is definitely concussed and probably on PCP.
This response prompts MacGyver to guess the password is "Ugly Duckling", which it is. Fuck knows how he came up with that. The self referential password is kind of wishful thinking for Kate as the whole "Ugly Duckling" thing implies that she's going to turn into a swan, which just isn't going to fucking happen. Unless she invests in years of plastic surgery, or goes on the TV show "The Swan". I don't think they still make that show however.
Kate and MacGyver's conversation continues along the same lines.
Kate: I'm Ugly and weird.
MacGyver: You're special Kate.
At this point I'm really hoping the episode turns into one of those films where the chick is super ugly and all the boys don't like her, then MacGyver gives her a makeover by cutting her hair and buying her a new dress and she becomes hot as shit. A MacGyver makeover would be fucking rad. And would certainly involve a brown leather jacket.
Just as MacGyver is about to make a lunge for Kate's cans, the guys who killed the professor show up. I'm not sure Kate getting kidnapped at this point in time would make her better or worse off to be honest. Who knows what MacGyver would have done to her.
MacGyver and Kate quickly put on headphones, possibly to listen to some of dead professors sax work, and switch on a sound oscillator deafening the killers.
Unfortunately the oscillator comes unplugged, MacGyver gets pistol whipped and Kate is taken.
MacGyver recovers a few minutes later to find Kate gone. "It's become apparent to me that Kate and I think a lot alike". When did he determine him and Kate think alike? MacGyver must have suffered a concussion or mild brain damage when he was pistol whipped as I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about.
MacGyver believes Kate has left a clue on the computer. A clue about what, the location the kidnappers took her to? How in fucks name would she have done that? MacGyver is definitely concussed and probably on PCP.
MacGyver finds a computer file titled "Ugly Ducking" and opens it. I first I though he was looking for nude photos but then realised you probably couldn't look at pictures on a BBC Micro. The file contains a radio frequency. Macgyver determines that Kate must have a radio on her set to that frequency so calls the FAA and asks them to scan the Western United States to track her. MacGyver gives his employee number, DSX employee XC4479, which I'm going to remember as it could get me out of a bind one day, and the FAA agrees to perform the search.
Meanwhile, Kate's captors don't have time to play games. They threaten to drug her if she doesn't give up how to fix the guidance system glitch.
MacGyver gets a lock on Kate's location thanks to her radio. She's been locked in a garden shed which is heavily guarded. Well it was heavily guarded until everyone fucked off to test the missile, so now it's just one guy. The fact that Kate was locked in the shed and not having the shit kicked out of her implies she gave up the information. This is a new method of storytelling for MacGyver as usually the director makes sure every fucking detail of the plot is explained. Hopefully they'll be cutting out more horse shit scenes in future episodes.
Kate attached some jumper leads to the bars on the shed window. It looks like she's going to pull a MacGyver of her own and get the fuck out of there.
MacGyver takes out the one guard with a cloth. Either the guard was allergic to cotton or that cloth was dripping with chloroform. Probably the latter, as I'm sure MacGyver keeps a bottle of chloroform in the glove compartment of his car for "emergencies".
The bars are too hot for Kate to remove and climb through so MacGyver cools them down with a can of butane. As he does this, he reminds the audience of the amazing properties of hydrocarbons just like he did two episodes ago. What is it with this guy and fucking hydrocarbons? What's he trying to do, convince people that natural gas and petrol are vital commodities? It's not 1890, we don't need a lesson on this. They are useful, we all know it, so stop fucking shitting on about them.
MacGyver gets a lock on Kate's location thanks to her radio. She's been locked in a garden shed which is heavily guarded. Well it was heavily guarded until everyone fucked off to test the missile, so now it's just one guy. The fact that Kate was locked in the shed and not having the shit kicked out of her implies she gave up the information. This is a new method of storytelling for MacGyver as usually the director makes sure every fucking detail of the plot is explained. Hopefully they'll be cutting out more horse shit scenes in future episodes.
Kate attached some jumper leads to the bars on the shed window. It looks like she's going to pull a MacGyver of her own and get the fuck out of there.
MacGyver takes out the one guard with a cloth. Either the guard was allergic to cotton or that cloth was dripping with chloroform. Probably the latter, as I'm sure MacGyver keeps a bottle of chloroform in the glove compartment of his car for "emergencies".
The bars are too hot for Kate to remove and climb through so MacGyver cools them down with a can of butane. As he does this, he reminds the audience of the amazing properties of hydrocarbons just like he did two episodes ago. What is it with this guy and fucking hydrocarbons? What's he trying to do, convince people that natural gas and petrol are vital commodities? It's not 1890, we don't need a lesson on this. They are useful, we all know it, so stop fucking shitting on about them.
After MacGyver's fucking hydrocarbon lesson, Kate gets through the bars and the chase to recover the missile begins.
While in the car, Kate reveals that MacGyver is her first real friend. She thinks MacGyver may find this lame, but MacGyver replies that friendship is something he doesn't take lightly and that he is honoured to be considered her first friend. Kate is also happy to have MacGyver as a true friend but little does she know that being friends with MacGyver usually means being penetrated anally at some stage.
While in the car, Kate reveals that MacGyver is her first real friend. She thinks MacGyver may find this lame, but MacGyver replies that friendship is something he doesn't take lightly and that he is honoured to be considered her first friend. Kate is also happy to have MacGyver as a true friend but little does she know that being friends with MacGyver usually means being penetrated anally at some stage.
MacGyver doesn't know exactly where the missile is headed but figures he can find out using triangulation. The battery in Kate's transistor radio is dead so they don't have the two devices necessary to triangulate the missiles position. MacGyver plugs the radio into a cactus which produces enough electricity to get it cranking. Is this fucking real? If so I guess it's how Mexican kids charge their iPods so they can listen to Slayer.
Kate yells out "all for one" and MacGyver responds "and one for all" even though the look on his face was one of "you're a dickhead".
The triangulation works as intended and MacGyver is able to find their location and the missiles intended target. The plan is to take out the Clinton Narrows bridge. The missile will be fired in 27 minutes. Can MacGyver stop it?
Destroying the Clinton Narrows bridge wouldn't be a big deal usually, as while a few people would die, most of them would be dudes as I don't think women can drive in California and MacGyver is really only into saving chicks. Today however is the South Bay marathon so thousands of runners will be killed. How does MacGyver know the marathon is on today? He knows because he's run it before. Twice. I didn't really think MacGyver would be into running marathons but I'm sure he did it on lots of drugs and would have had an angle for picking up chicks while running.
MacGyver believes the marathon is being run today but the footage shown indicates that it was actually run in 1972, so even if the missile is fired, it will have to pierce the space-time continuum for anyone to be injured.
The two have quite the repartee going at this stage, coming up with the same idea simultaneously, finishing each others sentences. It really is cute, read weak as shit. They are like the two uncoolest rappers of all time involved in the poorest duet since Paula Abdul and that fucking cartoon cat.
They track down the missile before it's been fired but don't have much time. The missile is heavily guarded but MacGyver has a plan, he uses lenses from a pair of binoculars and some mirrors to reflect sunlight onto a shotgun. The shotgun gets really hot and explodes, destroying everything in sight, including all of the guards.
Kate: Are they dead?
MacGyver: No they’re just out for a while.
I have no idea why MacGyver said that, as those guys are dead. Dead as shit. He always likes to point out how alive people are, usually just after he's killed them, probably to cause some confusion in people's minds just in case they are called up as a witness at one of any number of trials MacGyver will be a defendant at in the future.
They track down the missile before it's been fired but don't have much time. The missile is heavily guarded but MacGyver has a plan, he uses lenses from a pair of binoculars and some mirrors to reflect sunlight onto a shotgun. The shotgun gets really hot and explodes, destroying everything in sight, including all of the guards.
Kate: Are they dead?
MacGyver: No they’re just out for a while.
I have no idea why MacGyver said that, as those guys are dead. Dead as shit. He always likes to point out how alive people are, usually just after he's killed them, probably to cause some confusion in people's minds just in case they are called up as a witness at one of any number of trials MacGyver will be a defendant at in the future.
They’ve stopped the missile just in time, however there is a second missile at a separate site and the launch is only seconds away. The missile is fired and MacGyver needs to think quick. He believes he can use the missile they now have in their possession, a heat seeker, to blow the second missile out of the sky. MacGyver flicks a few switches and fires the missile. What will happen? Everyone is tense. Will the runners get blown up? Will the bridge be destroyed? Of course not. The missiles blow each other up and everyone is safe, everyone except for a few of the slow runners who were probably killed by the shrapnel, but they have no one to blame but themselves for being shit at long distance running.
The episodes closing scene sees MacGyver back at the club scoring more cocaine. Kate has had the inevitable makeover and is at the club too. She still isn't hot though. MacGyver informs Kate that he's scored her a position at the Department of Defence which she can start as soon as she has graduated.
The episodes closing scene sees MacGyver back at the club scoring more cocaine. Kate has had the inevitable makeover and is at the club too. She still isn't hot though. MacGyver informs Kate that he's scored her a position at the Department of Defence which she can start as soon as she has graduated.
A guy is giving Kate the eye from the dance floor. MacGyver asks who he is and Kate informs him that it's her new boyfriend. MacGyver wants an introduction to which Kate replies "he's shy but get him alone in a lab, boy can he compute". I assume this is code for finger bang but who knows what the kids mean when they talk these days and by these days I mean 1986.
The episode ends with this exchange:
Kate: Will I see you again?
MacGyver: You can count on it.
The way Kate asked if she'd see MacGyver again implied that they'd banged. She's probably underage but MacGyver could argue that she looks like a 35 year old, which she does.
The episode taught us that 17 year old girls are the only ones who can reprogram defective US Airforce missiles, that you can hack into secure military servers using a BBC Micro and that you can't give every unattractive girl a makeover to create a smoking hot bitch despite what Hollywood has told us for years.
MacGyver: You can count on it.
The way Kate asked if she'd see MacGyver again implied that they'd banged. She's probably underage but MacGyver could argue that she looks like a 35 year old, which she does.
The episode taught us that 17 year old girls are the only ones who can reprogram defective US Airforce missiles, that you can hack into secure military servers using a BBC Micro and that you can't give every unattractive girl a makeover to create a smoking hot bitch despite what Hollywood has told us for years.
1 comment:
Good synopsis & spot-on commentary. Whoever did it. My sentiments, too.
Kate isn't that bad looking. Most pedoes would likely jump at the chance with her.
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