MacGyver is introduced to Sarah and the choice of music used indicates love is in the air. Well maybe not love, but he'll at the very least bang her. In turns out Sarah wants something from MacGyver, she wants him to get arrested and then break her brother out of prison, in a plot remarkably similar to that of the television show Prison Break. Last week it was Under Siege 2: Dark Territory and this week it's Prison Break. MacGyver appears to be the source material for a great many classic film and television productions. I'm going to start adapting some of the lesser known episodes for big budget Hollywood films. I'll probably start with the Afghanistan episode because it's topical and the kid was a dickhead.
Sarah's brother, Brian, was a missionary who brought medical supplies into the country. They were valuable, the corrupt government tried to steal them and Brian hid them and now he's in a maximum security military prison. The mission sounds difficult, but MacGyver agrees to take it on.
The first part of the plan involves MacGyver getting himself locked up which he does by throwing Sprite, or whatever the African equivalent of that is, probably Mountain Dew, in the faces of two police officers. It's obviously very easy to get yourself locked up in a maximum security prison in this country as MacGyver's weak as shit indiscretion lands him exactly where he wants to be.
Let the Prison Break style antics begin.
The hard ass prison warden informs MacGyver that he has no rights in this place. If he wants to survive he is going to need money as they don't provide anything, even basic food and shelter, for nothing. When MacGyver asks how he's supposed to get hold of money, the warden replies "earn it, beg it, find yourself a protector". I'd say MacGyver is going to earn his keep by repairing items that have been broken for years with shit just laying around the prison. Or sucking dick. I'm not sure which yet, but probably the former.
MacGyver makes friends with one of the prisoners, Francois, who takes him in and teaches him the ways of the prison. One of the first lessons he teaches MacGyver is not to fuck with Khan, the prisoner who runs the place. His bodyguard, Fuad, has killed 5 men with his bare hands and is just a brutal dude.
Khan comments that there are only three types of Americans that end up in a prison like this; drug dealers, soldiers of fortune or madman. He wants to know which one MacGyver is so he can decide if he should use him or get rid of him. MacGyver is actually all three, so Khan may have met his match.
MacGyver asks Francois why he's helping him, to which Francois responds that they are both foreigners, Francois is French, and need to stick together. MacGyver states that he doesn't plan on staying long, to which Francois replies that every new prisoner speaks of escape but he's yet to see it happen.
MacGyver borrowed a soccer ball, some olive oil and newspaper to construct a hot air Balloon and then commented to Francois about the Montgolfier brothers flying over Paris using this method. I'm pretty sure the only reason the Francois character is French was so this reference could be made. Fuck knows why.
The whole purpose of the hot air balloon makes no fucking sense either. He used it to signal to Sarah that he was inside the prison, even though she knew this anyway. This whole hot air balloon sequence was just fucking pointless. The prisoners were however as impressed as shit.
MacGyver asks Francois if he wants to escape with him but Francois states that he only has 6 months left inside so it isn't worth it. He wasn't even guilty to begin with, but refused to bribe a judge on some bullshit charge and was put in prison.
Brian really needs to be spoken to but he's a political prisoner in a different wing and hard to get to. MacGyver is going to need extra help.
Fuad asks to speak with MacGyver who acts like a bit of a dick, so Fuad beats the shit out of him. MacGyver then breaks a chair over Fuad's head. The guards all find it hilarious as do the prisoners. They've lived for years under Khan's harsh regime and are just happy to see someone fight back for once. Fuad chokes MacGyver out and takes him back to Khan's room.
Khan has a pretty sweet set up for a prisoner, however the speakers on his stereo are fucked but MacGyver is able to fix them. MacGyver may have found himself a powerful ally.
Khan is also an entrepreneur, with a PCP lab in a secret room behind his cell. MacGyver offers to help Khan make better quality PCP if Khan grants him a meeting with Brian, which apparently Khan has the power to do, and hooks it up. MacGyver will certainly help himself to some PCP too.
MacGyver knows his conversation with Brian is being listened to so he makes up some bullshit about a hidden $12 million and that their escape will be facilitated by assault helicopters flying into the prison to rescue them. Brian plays along.
The warden believes everything MacGyver says and asks Khan to find out as much as he can about the $12 million and the planned escape. Once he's done this, MacGyver can be killed.
Francois tells MacGyver that some men aren't designed to be caged. Luckily The Shawshank Redemption hadn't been made yet so he was able to do this free from the threat of lawsuits. MacGyver takes this onboard and decided to breakout. Wait he was breaking out anyway. Who knows what the fuck Francois was trying to get at.
MacGyver is granted a meeting with Sarah. The room he is taken to has a bed in it, so they'll be boning later. They kiss and MacGyver tells her the plan, they are breaking out tomorrow at noon. The scene fades to black.
The next morning Francois gives MacGyver a "where have you been" look indicating that he'd spent the night banging Sarah. I'm not sure what Sarah's story is but I have a feeling it's not the first time she's banged someone in prison. It almost seemed like second nature to her.
Either the sex with Sarah was really good or MacGyver has helped himself to some of Khan's PCP, because he's acting like a fucking madman. Perhaps it's part of the elaborate breakout plan.
Khan lets MacGyver into his PCP lab to repair the fridge. MacGyver told Khan it wasn't running efficiently and he could repair it, which Khan bought. While in the lab MacGyver records a fake helicopter sound on Khan's tape deck using the ceiling fan and a plastic spatula. It's sounds almost exactly like a spatula hitting a ceiling fan which should be convincing enough to trick the guards into thinking a ceiling fan being hit with a spatula is approaching the prison when the tape is played back over the prisons PA system.
MacGyver states that the one useful thing about PCP is that it explodes. If you coat a jacket in the liquid form you have a bomb you can wear. Suicide bombers take note. In addition to the exploding jacket, MacGyver makes a PCP bomb out of a bucket, wires from the fridge and a block of ice. When the ice melts, the wires will touch and the bomb will explode.
Khan confronts MacGyver about the escape. MacGyver tells Khan he's been contracted to break Brian out of prison in return for 10% of the $12 million. MacGyver promises to give Khan half of his fee if he helps him. Khan believes every word MacGyver says and they make their way out to the prison yard.
Francois starts the tape MacGyver recorded earlier. It sounds exactly like a fucking helicopter now and luckily it's too cloudy to see if anything is actually coming.
After starting the tape Francois gets the exploding jacket to Brian who uses it to blow himself out of his cell. If MacGyver didn't have Francois, he'd be fucked. This guy has done everything.
MacGyver pretends he's buried some important information in the yard. While digging, he waits for the perfect moment then throws dirt in Fuad's face and punches Khan out.
A few seconds later MacGyver's PCP bomb explodes. It's fucking pandemonium in that prison.
Up to this point, MacGyver has created several distractions, and broken Brian out of his cell with an explosive jacket but the more detailed elements of the plan, like how they were actually going to penetrate the prison walls had yet to be revealed. I was expecting a sophisticated MacGyver plan of mammoth proportions, instead I got Sarah driving an old taxi through a wire gate.
Francois pointed out earlier that nobody had ever escaped before, I have no idea why the fuck not. This was less Christopher Lambert, Fortress, more, I need to jump over the neighbours fence to retrieve a tennis ball. Fucking weak as shit.
MacGyver and Francois share an emotional farewell. Never has au revoir had such power and passion behind it. The bond they formed over the past 2 days was a strong one, and they both learned as much about themselves as they did each other. I'm sure their paths will cross again. Qu'est-ce que je ferais sans toi?
Khan was the one who came out of this whole ordeal the worst. He lost his PCP lab, all of his possessions, his room was blown sky fucking high and the warden has indicated that he'll spend the rest of his days in an isolation cell, a far cry from his role as chief badass.
I have a feeling that something unexpected is going to happen, mainly due to the fact that the episode is only at the 37 minute mark and they all run close to 45.
About 8 seconds later they pull over to change cars and Brian announces "I think we can dispense of MacGyver now". Well fuck me. Brian has double crossed MacGyver. I don't think I'm out of line here calling Brian a bit of a cunt. MacGyver just broke him out of prison and now he plans of returning the favour by killing him. That really is a dick move.
It turns out the two aren't even brother and sister. Sarah is a representative of the Russian government whose mission it is to deliver weapons to their allies in the third world. This means that one, as a Russian she would have certainly banged MacGyver the other night, and two ,that she has also double crossed him. Brian's role in all of this is that he's a crooked arms dealer who stole Sarah's weapons. She wanted to break him out of Prison so he could return them to her.
Sarah decides not to kill MacGyver but leaves him behind to be captured by the police.
Sarah: Nothing personal
MacGyver: Everything is personal
Brian uses this opportunity to escape. He grabs Sarah's gun, takes a few shots at MacGyver and drives away. MacGyver walks up to Sarah and states "I'll tell you something Comrade, I've never hit a woman before but you come damn close". I was hoping he'd punch her in the face but this didn't eventuate. He must have used all of his inner strength to resist.
Sarah needs to get to the weapons before Brian sells them to terrorists. Even though she double crossed MacGyver 45 seconds ago he agrees to help her on the condition that the weapons are destroyed once found. She accepts. Isn't her mission to get the weapons to her allies? Why would she accept MacGyver's proposal to destroy them? Could MacGyver get double crossed again? Does anyone give a fuck at this point? The best outcome at the moment really is that Brian gets blown up by the weapons he's trying to steal and MacGyver gets to punch Sarah in the face after he's banged her again.
The two head down to the harbour where the weapons must be for reasons unexplained. They find Brian's car so know they are close.
Inside Brian is trying to cut a deal with the well dressed African men wanting to purchase the weapons.
Sarah turns to MacGyver and gives him a passionate kiss, stating that life is uncertain. It certainly is with fucking her around. One minute you're asking someone to help break their brother out of prison, the next minute you're banging them, a few minutes later you have a gun pointed at their head, then a minute later you're kissing them. It's hard to know what the fuck is going to happen next. I'm predicting a strip tease then a stabbing. That seems to fit in well with her fucking MO.
MacGyver believes the weapons are left over from the Boer war putting them into a class of weapons known as fucking old. I have no idea why Brian is trying to sell the weapons for these guys to use, he'd get way more money for them on fucking Antiques Roadshow.
The grenades still use gunpowder, so MacGyver is able to lay a trail of powder, light it and run away. The lines of powder MacGyver is used to racking up are much whiter but he still does a pretty good job. One of the weapons buyers drops the suitcase of money which Sarah and MacGyver pick up and then get out of there. There is a huge explosion and the weapons are destroyed once and for all.
The two return to the orpanage and give the nun the suitcase full of money. She cannot believe it. MacGyver tells her that she'll finally have enough money to take care of all of the kids. The nun asks MacGyver how she can repay him and even though she is a woman of the cloth I'm pretty sure I know what MacGyver will be suggesting a little later on.
No mention was made of Brian meaning that he's dead.
MacGyver taught us that you wont get raped in prison if you know how to make PCP, that it's really easy to break out of prison, that Russian chicks are fucking insane but love to bang and that if you give nuns heaps of cash they'll pretty much do anything.
1 comment:
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