21 January 2011

#116: Every Time She Smiles (19 February 1986)

MacGyver finds himself back in Europe, but this time he's managed to avoid fucking East Germany and is keeping it real in sunny Bulgaria, on a mission to retrieve microfilm containing important secret Swiss bank account information. He has an injured hand after skiing in the Swiss Alps without a parachute. MacGyver is extreme as fuck.


His rendezvous is with an old dude playing chess in the local park. After giving the password, the old dude allows MacGyver to take his Knight which contains the microfilm. After several awkward chess puns, MacGyver gets out of there with the information he came for.


MacGyver has had enough of high speed chases across borders and decides the best way to get home from this mission is on a commercial flight. Teri Hatcher makes an appearance as the loveable, read thick as shit, actress, dancer, model, Penny Parker. Her name is easy to remember, she informs MacGyver, as it has two P's. This sets the standard for the rest of her dialogue for the remainder of episode.


She is admittedly looking hot as shit and MacGyver will undoubtedly be trying to convince her to join the mile high club once on board.

Just when I though MacGyver's trip back to the United States would be problem free, security storms into the airport, leading Penny to secretly place a bag of jewels in his pocket.

Penny talks to the head of the police force, Stephan, her old boyfriend. He asks for the jewels back to which Penny replies that she doesn't have them on her and wants to keep them. At this precise moment MacGyver makes his way through the airport metal detector, setting it off. Stephan races over, searches MacGyver and finds the bag of jewels. These are confiscated along with his passport and the microfilm.


MacGyver had racked up a few lines before making his way to the airport and as such thought that the best course of action in this situation was to punch one of the heavily armed airport security guards in the face and make a run for it.

MacGyver can do a lot of things, but one of them isn't reading Cyrillic, which results in him misreading a sign and entering the women's bathroom to hide by mistake. This error is his undoing and he is quickly captured by security.

Stephan believes that MacGyver and Penny must be working together, so they are handcuffed to each other and placed in a room for questioning. MacGyver is pretty pissed at Penny for fucking up what would have been an easy escape from Bulgaria. The fact that she talks shit constantly doesn't help the situation.

MacGyver is uncomfortable with what may happen to them, so decides that escape is the best course of action. MacGyver's rather sophisticated escape plan on this occasion is to smash the shit of the wall with a coat rack. This gets them out of the interrogation room and onto the luggage conveyor belt. 


The two of them make their way into the luggage collection lounge hand cuffed together. The Bulgarians have never seen such a thing. They are in shock. MacGyver quips "economy class" and everyone laughs and the mood is instantly relaxed. Well this is what would have happened if they spoke English and knew what the fuck MacGyver was talking about. Instead they just have that general angry demeanour residences of the Eastern Bloc are famous for. Probably because they can't buy things like Fanta and KFC.


Back at Stephan's office we are introduced to his Uncle. This guy is bad as shit. He has siphoned off a substantial amount of cash over the years from the Bulgarian government into his Swiss bank accounts, the account numbers of which are on the microfilm. If details of the accounts are discovered, he is royally fucked. 


The jewels Stephan gave to Penny were also stolen by the Uncle and actually belong to the Bulgarian Royal Family. Stephan really fucked up on that one, but at least he has all the jewels back, well all of them except for a ring Penny kept.

The Uncle needs that microfilm back. Little do they know it is already in their possession. Stephen took possession of it when he confiscated MacGyver's shit. What a small world! Or at least a convenient one for the purposes of this episode.

MacGyver heads back to the park to find the old chess dude. He signals them into a shed where MacGyver removes the handcuffs from Penny and himself using an earring. The old dude reveals that Stephan's Uncle is after the microfilm so MacGyver will need to recover it from Stephan before he finds out he actually has it.

At this moment, Stephan shows up. A chase is on in the park, unfortunately the old dude is slow as shit and gets caught in about 2 seconds. MacGyver and Penny decide the best means of escape is the parks merry-go-round which he was shitting on about in his opening monologue. MacGyver cranks the merry-go-round up to ludicrous speed, all of the guys in pursuit jump on, then MacGyver stops it suddenly, sending them flying off in comical fashion. This gives them enough time to escape.




MacGyver and Penny go out to dinner, MacGyver believing that hiding in plain sight is the way forward. He had to explain it to Penny a few times, reconfirming to the audience that Penny is meant to be a dumb as shit yet has a heart of gold.


MacGyver indicates to Penny that he believes the microfilm is in Stephen's apartment and that after dinner that is where he'll be headed to get it back. This is followed by some flirting in which MacGyver tells Penny she has all the makings of a great woman, hot and thick as shit. Penny is impressed by this and the two share a kiss. MacGyver would have finger slayed her under the table but his fingering hand is out of action due to the accident in the Swiss Alps.




We find the Uncle torturing the chess dude with some water boarding, many years before it was fashionable. He threatens to kill his sister and break his football loving Nephews legs if he doesn't give up who has the microfilm. He reveals MacGyver has it, who they were after anyway, so it rolls two missions into one. This is handy for the department, as their budget is stretched to the absolute limit with all of the money being siphoned off by the Uncle. They just don't have the finances to employ enough manpower.


This also leads them to believe that Penny must be a secret agent. They are fucking way off the mark with that one. The Uncle wants MacGyver shot.


MacGyver breaks into Stephan's apartment by scaling the exterior wall three floors with a broken hand. If he can do that he could have definitely fingered Penny under the table. Once inside he locates the microfilm relatively quickly. Just as he's about the leave Penny shows up, revealing some important information, there was a nice dress at a shop located near the restaurant. MacGyver is pissed as he'd been all stealth getting into Stephan's apartment and then Penny ruined their cover by walking in the fucking front door.


It's Grand fucking Station round at the apartment with Stephen showing up just as they're about to leave. Penny hasn't quite grasped the "hiding in plain site" concept yet and decides to hide on Stephen's couch. MacGyver hits the kitchen. Luckily Stephan is happy to see Penny so they chat while MacGyver mixes up some concoction in the kitchen. He throws together pest control pellets, soap flakes and tile cleaner in a pot. Then he turns on the gas and creates a time delay fuse with lard, newspaper and oven cleaner.


At this juncture MacGyver reveals himself and Stephen pulls a gun on the both of them. Is this the end for MacGyver?



Macgyver's concoction has started smoking like a motherfucker.


Stephen: what have you done?
MacGyver: burnt the roast.


Hilarious. Stephen makes his way to the kitchen to see if MacGyver really is cooking a roast. As soon as he has his back to MacGyver, MacGyver beats the shit out of him. The old smoke out the kitchen to avoid being shot ruse has worked yet again.


MacGyver's explosive device goes off, setting off the buildings fire alarm. MacGyver asks Penny to change into a robe so they'll blend in with the rest of the residents. She goes for lingerie, which works for Macgyver.




The disguise works, they find Stephen's car and get out of there. Destination: the fucking border. Classic MacGyver.


A few hours into their journey MacGyver is forced to stop for gas. He knows that each and every gas station will be guarded by now so he has to be more creative. Luckily Penny knows a place in the area where they will be able to get gas, the Uncles country villa. 


They end up staying the night for fuck knows what reason and as a result end up being found by Stephan the next morning. He found them by determining how far they'd be able to get with the amount of fuel in the tank. Great detective work.


The Uncle shows up too, and while Stephen is weak as piss, the Uncle is ruthless as fuck, so things are not looking good for MacGyver.




MacGyver hands over the microfilm and the Uncle asks Stephen to shoot him. Stephen isn't a killer. He turns against the Uncle, knocks the gun out of his hand and then MacGyver punches him in the face. The enemy has now become a friend in a very convenient twist. Stephen is trying in win Penny back, so punching out his own Uncle who will probably order his execution once he regains consciousness is certainly the way to do this.


The newly found team of three get back in the car and make their way towards Greece. The police show up at the Uncles house, who is now conscious and they head off together to stop MacGyver, Stephen and Penny.


MacGyver, not content to just sit in the car and ride it out to Greece, decides to jump out onto the bonnet of the car, just like he did in East Germany last week. He just loves the thrill of insane stunts, but is well practised as the same shit seems to happen to him every fucking episode.


He jumps onto the fuel truck in front of them and proceeds to mix the diesel exhaust hydrocarbons with water to make the road slippery. People at home have obviously been questioning some of the bullshit he's pulled off in recent weeks, so this stunt took place in combination with a voiceover stating "this hydrocarbon and water thing I've explained is a fact". Ok MacGyver, we believe you. You don't have to get all pissed off and condescending.




So the road gets really slippery making the police car chasing them spins out of control and explode.




They get out of the car and make their way to a fence signifying the border. MacGyver comments "just under this fence we should be in Greece". The fence really isn't the best way of keeping out undesirables. For one it was only 3 feet high and isn't even barbed wire. 


Knowing that the border fence is weak as shit, Greece employ a border security team to patrol the area. Just as the three of them make their way into Greece one of these patrol teams show up. He asks them for their passports which they don't have. It looks like the security guy is going to have to force them back across the border into Bulgaria where they'll be caught and killed by the Uncle. 


Luckily Penny knows the Greek border control guy who lets them into the country without a passport so everything works out fine. No explanation is made as to how the two know each other but I assume it is because Penny is so loveable that she knows everyone! Even people in places she's never fucking been before.





Stephen turns to MacGyver and says "every time she smiles", which really makes no sense in the context of what is happening but is a shitty reference to the episode title. Great dialogue, great story telling, great episode. Actually it was one of the shittiest yet, but Teri Hatcher did almost save it. They probably needed to extend that lingerie scene by about 35 minutes.




We learned that Bulgaria is corrupt as fuck, you can't finger blast someone under a table with a broken hand and that it is possible to embark on international travel without a passport as long as you have a hot chick with you.

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