The episodes title "To Be A Man" indicates to me that MacGyver is going to have to step things up a notch and take his level of toughness to new heights. The only question is how?
The episode begins with MacGyver flying a fighter jet over the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan, answering the recently posed question immediately. How the fuck does MacGyver know how to fly a fighter jet? There is probably a weekend course you can do, which MacGyver would have been all over after Top Gun. MacGyver loves the bitches but he also finds it hard to resist guys who spend 95% of their time dressed only in towels.
His mission is to retrieve sensitive information contained within a satellite that has fallen out of the sky and landed in Afghanistan. As soon as MacGyver crosses over into Afghani territory he is asked to identify himself by the Russian military who have a presence in Afghanistan. Clearly not giving a fuck, MacGyver refuses to answer and is shot out of the sky. The stock footage was convincing, but probably would have been more convincing if they'd used stock footage from night instead of day, as that is when the scene took place.
On the ground we are introduced to Kali, a badass who is either beating or raping his wife. It's hard to tell exactly, but he was laughing like a maniac and she kept repeating "no, no", so whatever was going on, he was into it and she wasn't.
Unsurprisingly MacGyver was able to eject from the plane before it was blown up and simply parachuted down to safety. He revealed that the plane was really old and the plan was always to get blown up inside Afghanistan territory to buy him some time to recover the satellite. What a fucked up plan. There must be an easier way to get into Afghanistan than get shot out of the fucking sky while in their airspace. I'm thinking a shitty disguise and hire a jeep in Turkmenistan and drive there. Actually I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.
Kali spots the explosion and quickly jumps on his horse to go and investigate. The Russians pay good money for plane wreckage and top dollar for survivors.
The son of the woman Kali was beating reveals that Kali isn't his father with the statement "you are not my father" and further reveals that his mother is bleeding with "mother you're bleeding".
It turns out that Kali and the woman are not married, he is just some badass who comes around once in a while to beat her. They didn't really frown upon wife beating in Afghanistan back in the 80's. I'm sure they still don't give a fuck.
Meanwhile MacGyver has tracked down the satellite and Kali has tracked down MacGyver. Behind him are a group of guys keen to capture him while in front is a huge cliff face. MacGyver scouts the grounds around the fallen satellite and finds enough material to construct a hand-glider. He's able to put the glider together in a few minutes and get off that cliff. MacGyver finds himself under heavy fire and takes a bullet in the arm. This forces him to crash land in a stream not far from his would be captors.
One of the Afghani posse finds MacGyver, who is able to construct a slingshot out of a piece of his shirt. He uses this to crack the Afghani in the head with a rock in a blow that knocks him off his horse and should have killed him. Not only can Macgyver fly a fighter jet, he also excels with a slingshot. Even if the guy isn't dead, he'll at the very least be confined to a wheelchair which is not the ideal situation in the rocky plains of Afghanistan.
MacGyver asks Ahmed why he's helping him. Ahmed replies that Kali and his gang of traitors killed his father.
Kali then kills the potentially wheelchair bound guy for letting MacGyver go. It's probably a blessing in disguise as Afghanistan is all rocks. Having to use a wheelchair would be beyond fucked.
Ahmed asks his mother to help MacGyver. due to his super human abilities. "I've seen him fly in the air like a spirit then he knocked one of the militia into the river". It really is a simpler place.
The mother asks Ahmed to keep watch for Kali while she takes care of MacGyver's wound. When Kali shows up Ahmed greets him with "there is another here to take your place. The man in there will kill you". Ahmed clearly knows fucking nothing about the concept of keeping watch. Now Kali knows MacGyver is inside which is the exact opposite of what you were sent outside the do you fucking idiot.
Ahmed, the beaten woman's son shows up right on time to help MacGyver, who is looking in a bad way. It's just a gunshot wound to the arm you fucking pussy.
Ahmed proceeds to dish out some fucking sweet Afghani insults to Kali including "you are the offspring of a diseased goat". That made Kali pissed. Kali is probably going to go inside and butcher both MacGyver and the mother because of Ahmed. He really fucked up on the keeping watch thing, but you have to admire the kids spirit.
MacGyver grabs a butane filled gas cylinder and strikes it with a hammer sending it flying into Kali knocking him over. He lands on his gun which goes off killing him instantly. I'm pretty sure everyone in Afghanistan will be glad to see the back of Kali. He really was a dick.
MacGyver asks Ahmed why his mother is outside milking the goat and not him, to which Ahmed replies "that's not mans work". It's good to see MacGyver highlighting some of the important cultural differences between Afghanistan and The United States. I'd never trust a woman to milk my fucking goat.
Ahmed is convinced MacGyver is some kind of wizard.
Ahmed goes outside to get rid of Kali's horse but keeps its silver bridal despite direct orders from his mother not to. This kid just doesn't fucking get it.
"You flew and you made part of our stove fly, can you make other things fly too"? It must be easy to impress kids when they know fucking nothing about anything. He'll probably try either the flying fox thing or the butane cylinder thing, fuck it up and be dead by the end of the year.
MacGyver is asleep when Ahmed returned home from wherever the fuck he goes during the evening and the following conversation takes place between them.
Ahmed: Will he stay?
Mother: There is nothing for him here.
Ahmed: There are the mountains and the barn and the house. I'll even show him my secret place.
Now MacGyver is into a lot of things. He'll fuck chicks, he'll fuck dudes, he fuck dudes and chicks at the same time, he'll fuck underage chicks if the situation calls for it, in fact he'll fuck almost anything that moves and he loves all of it, but even MacGyver isn't into the "secret place" of a 10 year old Muslim boy.
The mountains are also kinda shitty.
MacGyver is feeling much better the next morning. He's also wearing a traditional Afghani robe that the mother changed him into during the night.
One of the rebels finds Kali's horse, so they know something is wrong.
Meanwhile back at the house, the water pump is broken and has been for years. MacGyver fixes it and shows Ahmed how to do it for the future. We take things like running water for granted and it's good for to MacGyver reminding us that some people don't have it because they are too fucking lazy to fix a broken fucking water pump. The mother is fucking stoked that the pump is back in action.
That evening, with Ahmed asleep and MacGyver fully recovered, all indictors were pointing toward the mother getting a serious dicking. It's obviously a sensitive issue having MacGyver bang an Afghani Muslim woman on prime time television so it was tastefully handled with sensual music and a subtle transition shot of a sunrise. While what did happen is left up to the imaginations of the audience there is no doubt whatsoever that MacGyver would have fucked her like the prophet Muhammad fucking a 9 year old.
Just in case the audience weren't sure, the conversation the following morning removed all doubts.
MacGyver: You're staring at me.
Mother: I just want to remember (you dicking me last night), do you mind?
MacGyver: Not at all.
They banged.
If anyone finds out about their sexual rendezvous the mother will certainly be stoned to death. MacGyver knows this and may even tip off the locals as it will make things way less awkward later on if she's dead.
Ahmed comes running back to the house informing MacGyver that the Soviets are coming. If I know Ahmed, he probably told the Soviets where to find them.
MacGyver is a master at hiding and this time he employs the age old hiding under a pile of hay technique. He's also tied a rope around one of the beams holding up the roof, so he'll be able to pull it down on some dudes head like he did with his Grandfather in the ghost town all those weeks ago.
One of the guards enters the house, eats all of their food like the fat bastard he is and then has a look around. He discovers the silver bridal belonging to Kali's horse under Ahmed's bed. The guard now knows they are responsible for Kali's disappearance. Ahmed has pretty much fucked things up at every juncture so far, so I wouldn't be surprised if MacGyver takes him up on his offer to "teach" him to "fly" in the near future. Off something high. Really high.
The soviet guard explores the barn giving MacGyver the chance to crush his skull which he duly does. The guard is clearly injured and potentially brain damaged but MacGyver runs over and punches him in the face anyway, just because he's a ruthless motherfucker. The other guard runs outside to see what all the commotion is about and MacGyver knocks him the fuck out with a shovel. He is dishing out the punishment for all angles in Afghanistan.
Ahmed asks MacGyver to put a bullet in the head of the Soviet soldier but MacGyver lets him go, teaching Ahmed compassion.
The plan now is for the three of them to flee across the border into Pakistan. Is it just me or does every MacGyver mission conclude with him having to flee across a fucking border?
On this occasion MacGyver will be attempting to flee over
the notoriously dangerous Durand Line, which signifies the Afghanistan / Pakistan border, an area many consider to be one of the most dangerous in the world. The border is poorly marked and Afghanistan don't even recognise it, so fuck knows where MacGyver will actually be fleeing to nor how he'll know when he gets there. There is a pretty good chance Ahmed will be blown up, as he doesn't know shit about shit and he may attempt to pick up a "magical" land mine. He's been the thorn in MacGyver's side all episode, so I'm sure MacGyver wouldn't give a shit if someone blew him up with a rocket launcher. He'd get more bone time with the mother so Ahmed dying is in the best interests of all involved. Except Ahmed.
The soviets catch up to Macgyver and crew and start firing on them with a bazooka. One missile almost strikes their jeep, forcing them into a rocky cliff. This completely fucks the jeep. Their ride is ruined.
MacGyver climbs the cliff that destroyed the jeep, noticing that there is a loose looking boulder at the very top. Macgyver's plan is to push the boulder down the cliff onto the enemies jeep but it is far too heavy to move so he needs to come up with something. He fills the crack between the bolder and the rock next to it with water and then freezes it with the fire extinguisher. MacGyver explains to Ahmed that carbon dioxide is colder than water and will turn the water into ice which will expand enough to push the boulder off the cliff. This is a kid who thought MacGyver could actually fly do I doubt he'll understand what the fuck he's talking about.
The boulder falls at the precise moment the Soviets jeep drives past, crushing it.
MacGyver is not only a master of science but also of time. Everything always seems to happen at the exact moment he needs it to. He may be able to control time, or water freezing, or most likely, bullshit.
After destroying the jeep, the trio walk towards the border. They are intercepted by the Soviet soldier who's skull MacGyver fractured with the barn roof. MacGyver's time looks like it's up.
The soldier surprises
The soldier surprises
Ahmed realises now just how important it was not to kill the guard. If MacGyver had have killed him, then a different guard would have been situated at the border who would have killed them. Ahmed is learning. This episode was really less about MacGyver and more about the coming of age of a young boy from Afghanistan, whose sheltered life had preventing him from learning about things most of us take for granted, such as basic science and that humans can't fly. MacGyver has started this young boy on a quest, a quest for answers, a quest for truth, a quest for freedom, a quest that will probably lead to him to becoming a suicide bomber or a commercial jet hijacker. Only time will tell.
They stroll across the border to freedom.
MacGyver taught us that getting shot out of the sky and parachuting to the ground is the best way to enter a country with tight border security, that Afghani woman like to bang just as much as any other nationality and that the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan is super safe and can easily be crossed on foot with minimal difficulty.
1 comment:
Great episode. I particularly liked the Mum's expression after MacGyver fixed the well, as well as the poignant morning pillow-talk conversation. Let's face it, who wouldn't want to remember. Tim.
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