- MacGyver, East Germany 1986
The episode begins with words from the very introspective MacGyver. Once again he finds himself in East Germany. Once again right near the border. In his line of work you need to operate close to the border so you can get what you want and then get the fuck out of there.
MacGyver had is easy back then. He would find it much more difficult to pull off the shit he did back then with the introduction of the Schengen Agreement.
Under Article 41 of the Schengen Convention, police from one Schengen state may cross national borders to chase their target, if it is not possible to notify the police of the second state before entry into that territory, or if the authorities of the second state are unable to reach the scene in time to take over the pursuit.
To be honest it probably wouldn't make much difference if MacGyver was operating today, he'd just have to evade capture until he reached the Ukraine.
Anyway enough "learning".
MacGyver meets up with a dude wearing what is most definitely traditional East German attire, surprisingly similar to what non-Germans wear to Oktoberfest each year.
The dude passes MacGyver some sensitive information contained within a bullet cartridge. Just as he is about to make his escape to the border some 12km away, he is apprehended by East German police. MacGyver decided to speak in crazy nonsensical German as a way to try and convince them he is actually German and not involved in some sort of illegal exchange. This isn't the behaviour of a sane man. He is most certainly still on drugs.
MacGyver steps it up a notch by throwing a chicken at the police to act as his distraction. It surprisingly worked. The police were so busy thinking "what the fuck, that guy just threw a chicken at us", that he bought himself enough time to get away.
Running 12km to the border while being pursued by the police was never going to be easy. Just as it looks like he's about to get caught, his old pal Banister shows up in a cop car and they get out of there fast.
MacGyver asks what the fuck Banister is doing there. Banister responds that the new Director of Operations sent him in for backup.
The police were able to fire off a few rounds, one of which struck the engine, damaging the line responsible for the break fluid. Banister informs MacGyver that the breaks are fucked. By this stage they are making their way down a hill at 140km/h.
What the fuck are they going to do? MacGyver's plan is to top up the break fluid while the car is in motion which will reactivate the breaks. MacGyver makes his way out of the car to the engine and performs basic car maintenance while travelling at over 150km/h. This is nothing for MacGyver. There is a rumour circulating that he replaced a transmission while doing 200km/h just for fun. He is a fucking maniac.
The brakes luckily re-engage just over the border. The two of them have successfully escaped and the East Germans are pissed!
MacGyver asks Banister how his wife is, to which Banister replies "fine, just fine". Judging from the way MacGyver asked this question I'm pretty sure he's fucked Banisters wife at some stage in the past.
This ends the East Germany adventure. The two make their way make to Los Angeles so MacGyver can pass over the intel he received and meet the new Director of Operations.
It turns out while in East Germany MacGyver had enough time to swing by and visit the sister of the security guard at the building where he works. The guard hadn't seen his sister for years so MacGyver thought that he'd call in, get a letter and a few pictures. Obviously International calls to East Germany were expensive as shit back then and the guard couldn't afford to call his sister, or he was lazy as fuck. Who knows which? Anyway the guard was pretty excited that MacGyver was able to get a letter and photo to him from his sister. That's just the kind of guy he is. A humanitarian. He also would have fucked the sister.
MacGyver visits Banister who is making out with his wife, Ingrid. MacGyver hadn't met Ingrid before so I was wrong about him boning her, but he certainly wants to.
MacGyver makes his way to the new directors office and discovers that the new director is none other than Pete Thornton. I already though he was the director. Fuck knows what he did before. Pete informs MacGyver that they've lost 4 agents in the last 7 weeks, good ones. Pete believes that the enemy knows all of their moves before they make them and that there must be a mole in the organisation. He wants MacGyver to help find that mole.
MacGyver is unstoked on this new mission. He has just found a new beach-front property and is in the process of moving. He just wants to get into his new place and relax for a while. He is trying to get away from Venice Beach, the drugs, not so much the women, and start a new life.
He turns down the mission and heads home.
Not one to take no for an answer, Pete heads to MacGyver's house to try and convince him to help on the mission. Pete has a Russian defector who can identify other Russian undercover agents. Pete believes that by using her as bait they can uncover the mole. MacGyver still isn't sure. He thinks it is too dangerous to use someone as bait, as they could easily be discovered and killed.
The Russian defector had apparently been waiting in the car and decided to make her way upstairs and try and convince MacGyver to take the mission by saying that John Wayne wouldn't be scared. This didn't work. What did work was the protection of the Russian defector, as she obviously survives this ordeal and goes into permanent hiding as one of the Golden Girls.
Pete asks MacGyver to do him a favour and attend the reception for an International Peace Through Science event the following night. MacGyver says he doesn't like parties, well parties where he can't do coke off teenage girls tits and then fuck them, but he'll attend. Pete is excited that MacGyver has agreed.
The Peace Through Science night has a Champaign dispensing robot, truly showing that science can help contribute to world peace through innovative beverage distribution.
It is well known that MacGyver doesn't like Black Tie events. Banister even jokes that Pete must have used drugs or torture to get MacGyver there, a subtle indicator that those working for the organisation know about MacGyver's drug use.
While Banister gives MacGyver a hard time, his wife tells MacGyver that she thinks he looks beautiful. I'm not sure if Banister will be into it but the wife is certainly up for a three way later.
Pete shows up with Victoria, the Russian defector. She informs Pete that there are plenty of Russians there, including a man who kills people. This is a man they need to keep their eye on.
The director used this juncture to include a shot containing people wearing the tradition wears of every minority on the planet just to show how important the Peace Through Science event is to the world as a whole. This night really can help break down the walls of ignorance and hatred and bring about peace, through science, to the planet.
Actually they are missing heaps of Asians.
It is that time of the evening for speeches and the introduction is given by a Priest, which seems fitting at a Peace Through Science event. The Russian killer is up to something. He turns on a device that makes the Priest start acting a little weirdly before going absolutely ape shit. He pulls out a gun and starts firing it into the crowd.
The crowd don't know what the fuck is going on. MacGyver thinks quickly and runs over to a high tech cleaning device using sound waves and points it towards the Priest. This shatters his glasses, probably blinding him in the process, and stops the shooting.
The device must have been used to brainwash the Priest into shooting at the crowd. Realising that the mission had failed, the Russian killer then sets off another device, this time making the Priest have a heart attack. MacGyver tries to resuscitate him, but all to no avail. The Priest is dead.
MacGyver isn't so sure that it was a heart attack. He is convinced of foul play. The next day MacGyver makes his way to the hospital to observe the autopsy. The guy performing the autopsy is wacky as fuck. At one point he eats an egg role with the same tongs he'd just picked up part of the dead body with. What a character! I'm not exactly sure if an eccentric coroner is what the profession needs.
The coroner takes a sample from the Priests blocked artery and gives it to MacGyver who is too impatient to wait until tomorrow for the results so is going to conduct an autopsy at home with a chemistry set purchased at Target.
The Priest was clearly trying to shoot Victoria, so Pete has placed her in a safe house. Let's hope that it isn't booby trapped as fuck like the last "safe house" Pete sent someone to.
Victoria doesn't feel protected in the safe house, she probably heard about the type of safe houses Pete works with, so decides to pay MacGyver a visit.
The following conversation took place.
Victoria: The Chinese say if someone saves your life you're indebted to them forever.
MacGyver: They also call their beautiful children ugly for fear the gods will punish them for the sin of pride.
Victoria: That is true.
MacGyver: If we were in China now, I'd be obligated to call you the ugliest woman in the world.
Holy shit! MacGyver was really turning it on there. Somehow Victoria was immune to his charms, but I feel he is wearing her down. He'll definitely be dicking her by the end of the episode.
MacGyver's home autopsy has proven that the Priest was murdered. He was injected with a chemical that makes its way through the blood stream. When an electromagnet is passed through the body the reaction causes the chemical to turn into nylon, blocking arteries and leading to a heart attack. Sounds like bullshit to me. I do love a nylon themed murder however.
It looks like this case is clear cut, the Russian Killer is brainwashing people to do his dirty work and if they fail they are killed with the old nylon heart attack. The only missing piece of the puzzle, who is the mole?
Past MacGyver episodes would point towards Banister. Here comes the twist, it is Banister, but only because he's been brainwashed by his wife Ingrid who was working with the Russian killer.
I'm not exactly sure of her brainwashing techniques but it most likely involves her cans. She does turn on a device that gets Banister to tell her everything. Unfortunately the device doesn't turn on her acting ability. Banister tells Ingrid that MacGyver knows the Priest was murdered by the Russian killer. Fuck knows how he has this information. Maybe he was taking a shit at MacGyver's house in the previous scene and heard MacGyver pass the information on to Victoria. Ingrid then brainwashes Banister into believing that MacGyver and Victoria are the moles and that they need to be killed. Banister agrees to kill them.
MacGyver has headed back to the scene of the murder to watch some surveillance tapes. He hopes Victoria may be able to identify someone other that the Russian killer, who could be the mole.
MacGyver rigs up some bullshit hypnotising device out of an ashtray and a mirror in the hope of getting answers out of Victoria. He turns on the machine. Victoria asks MacGyver to kiss her. I think MacGyver's "let's find out who the mole is" routine was just a ruse for him to get his hypnotising device cranking, brainwashing Victoria into wanting to kiss him. Now that he knows the device is working, a blowjob is only minutes away.
MacGyver decides he and Victoria should take time out from kissing to figure out who just is the mole. He starts off with some word association using his shitty home made hypnotising spiral.
This is how it went down.
Moscow - Cold
Thornton - Escape
America - Freedom, Noise
MacGyver - (No response but the look said "sex animal")
Lem (Russian killer) - Death, killer
Banister - Worried
Ingrid - Wrong
Victoria went on the say that there was something wrong with Ingrid. It was the name. Victoria knew her as someone else. She took a quick look at MacGyver's spiral. The power of hypnotism, or possibly bullshit, compelled her to speak out about Ingrid.
"She is a Russian spy, sent to America to act like an American girl. She is lethal".
So the decade long plan was to send Ingrid to America to marry Banister. Makes sense.
Just as this revelation takes place, Ingrid, Banister and the Russian killer walk in. Ingrid explains the plot to those dead shit viewers who were unable to piece to together from what Victoria said fucking 5 seconds earlier.
She also adds that Banister is to kill MacGyver and tell Pete he was the mole. Pete will be so cut up that he'll resign leaving the door open for Banister. Shit plan. Let's just leave it at that.
Without a chicken to throw at Banister, who at this point has a gun pointed at MacGyver, the only way out of this one is to push a TV on wheels towards him.
This successfully knocks Banister down. MacGyver runs over and punches the Russian killer in the face with brute force. That motherfucker isn't getting up again.
MacGyver pleads with him, "you know it's not me, you know it's Ingrid".
Ingrid informs MacGyver that he was programmed every day for 4 weeks on their honeymoon. There is no way he'll turn back now.
He turns back. Ingrid stops this by bringing on a heart attack with the device the Russian killer used earlier in the episode on the Priest. The device isn't on for long as Victoria belts the living shit out of her with a device of her own.
With the Russian killer and Ingrid unconscious and Banister dead from a heart attack, MacGyver could have stopped right there and banged Victoria. He's into shit like that. Instead he though he should try and resuscitate Banister so he makes a resuscitation device out of two candlesticks, a microphone cable and a door mat.
This successfully brings Banister back to life. To be honest I think MacGyver would have preferred that he died. For one, Banister tried to kill him 5 minutes ago. Secondly, now he'll have to wait for an ambulance and shit like that before he can bang Victoria. Overall, saving his life was probably a mistake.
Victoria was actually extremely impressed that MacGyver saved Banister and even quipped "John Wayne couldn't have done that".
If Victoria is anything like other Russian chicks, that level of impression should guarantee MacGyver anal later in the evening.
MacGyver taught us not to trust anybody's wife, that you can perform car maintenance at high speed and that it is possible to perform an accurate autopsy, resuscitate someone after a heart attack and hypnotise people with shit you can get from Kmart.
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