#119: Slow Death (2 April 1986)

MacGyver find himself in the subcontinent chasing down a train he missed in a taxi. The passengers onboard find this genuinely hilarious. "Look he's trying to catch the train in a taxi" one comments. "That's hilarious" another responds. After several stern "no's", MacGyver finally convinces the driver to slow down enough so he can jump on. MacGyver is a hero once on board, especially amongst his fellow Americans. They've never met anyone brazen enough to try and board a train after it has departed, but for MacGyver this is the kind of shit he pulls on a daily basis. There are definitely a few women on board the train that want to bang MacGyver and depending on how long the journey is, he may just get through all of them.

MacGyver spots a young Indian girl on the train and makes her a doll out of a piece of cloth and a rubber band. No explanation is given for this but I guess MacGyver saw she was Indian and assumed she was poor as shit and couldn't afford a doll. MacGyver is certainly very perceptive. That's one word for it, another would be racist.

After winning the hearts and minds of a train full of international travellers, MacGyver makes his way to the dining car and orders a roast lamb sandwich. This is one of the few times I've seen MacGyver eat in the series, meaning for now he's off the drugs.


A drunk one armed man asks MacGyver what he's drinking with his lamb sandwich to which MacGyver responds, "Milk". The one armed man, James, is pretty unimpressed with MacGyver's response, as he should be. Who the fuck has a glass of milk with lunch in hot as shit India? At least keep it local and have a Lassi if you need dairy. 


James comments that MacGyver is very perceptive, as he'd noticed James lost his arm only recently. He wasn't really that perceptive. James did knock over about 15 glasses and kept running into people. This could have been a symptom of his recent amputation but more likely his recent consumption of 25 standard drinks.


An African American woman by the name of Andrea approaches them and asks if James needs any help. James snaps back "I’m a cripple and you’re black, neither is condition for sympathy".


Is James comparing black people to cripples? Racism is rife in this episode. Sure, black people aren't the strongest swimmers but they more than make up for it with fast running and great rapping so I think James was more than a little out of line. One armed people can hardly do anything, except make negative comments about people based on their race by the looks of it.


A group of local bandits are rigging explosives on a nearby bridge. I have no idea what they're up to, but I'm guessing it will impact on the train's journey at some stage.

The recently acquainted MacGyver and Andrea take a seat in the dining car while MacGyver eats lunch.


Andrea: That was quite a way to board the train, why the rush?
MacGyver: No reason, I just wanted to get on the train so I could relax and enjoy the scenery.
Andrea: Just a tourist. Sure! What's the real reason?
MacGyver: I just hijacked proof of an illegal arms deal and need to get the information out of the country so that I can prevent a small war.
Andrea: Ok, I deserved that. I guess we're just a couple of tourists enjoying the pretty scenery.
MacGyver: From where I sit the scenery is very pretty.


MacGyver going for in for the kill yet again with his precision flirting. I'm glad that the producers are making the series more multicultural by introducing characters of different races. It shows that MacGyver doesn't discriminate and will finger blast Blacks, Whites, Asians, Arabs, the whole lot.


This is the first time in the series MacGyver has told someone what he does and they haven't believed him. The story did sound like bullshit but I'm guessing something will happen later in the episode that will make Andrea believe MacGyver.


Just as MacGyver's about to examine the contents of Andrea's "black box", James ruins everything by returning to apologise. Everyone is friends again.


One of the passengers jumps up and announces that he is taking over the train. The ticket collector gets in his way so the bandit shoots him.


Terrorists taking over a moving train? Sounds like the episode is moving into an Under Siege 2: Dark Territory type scenario. I'm hoping MacGyver takes on a Seagal type persona and uses those hands of his to not only finger birds but to snap wrists. And fix things that are usually hard to repair with items commonly found aboard a passenger train, obviously. 

The bandits are after two men, foreigners, one of which could be MacGyver for any variety of reasons. If they are after MacGyver is will either be drug related or because he banged someone's wife or daughter.


What do you do when you are confronted by an armed man but have no weapons in your possession? The best course of action is to splash water into their eyes, which is what MacGyver does. Andrea then throws her tea into the other bandits face and they run away. It should be pointed out that MacGyver used salt water, something to take onboard if you're planning to use this technique to foil a bank robbery one day.

MacGyver flees the dining car and makes his way to the roof of the train. He uses the local moonshine to coat the roof of the train and waits for the bandits in pursuit to catch up to him. Once on the roof, MacGyver sets the train on fire leading to them jumping off. I don't know if it's possible to survive jumping off the roof of a train moving at over 100 km/h, but this is MacGyver so I expect to see them in the next scene.

The train conductor informs MacGyver that once they cross the bridge they'll be out of bandit country. Unfortunately the bridge is rigged with TNT which the bandits detonate a mere few seconds before the train makes it across. The train is fine, as are the passengers, but they are now trapped in bandit country, where anything can happen.

MacGyver does a little work on the train ignition so if anyone tries to start it except for him they'll, in MacGyver's words, get their turban blown off.

The passengers are all terrified. It'll be up to MacGyver to calm them down and defeat the bandits, something he should be able to do with his quick thinking, life skills and bag full of drugs.


James is a doctor and although he won't be able to perform the surgery a bullet wound almost certainly requires with his one arm, he should be able to keep the ticket collector alive with his bedside manner and some warm water. Luckily the ticket collector is white so racism shouldn't get in the way.

Husan, the leader of the bandits rounds up all of the foreigners and explains why they've hijacked the train. Luckily for the passengers it wasn't for a Nazi style death camp but rather to find two individuals. 


The bandits had set up a clinic in their community to help care for sick children. They bought medicine from two foreigners for the clinic which turned out to be poison and 26 people died, including Hasan's son. Hasan wants revenge and with just cause.

Hasan has left it to the passengers to figure out who the men responsible are. In a surprise twist, the episode has moved from a fast paced, high octane, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory situation, into a much weaker game of Cluedo. Unless MacGyver turns out to be the guy responsible and has to kill everyone on the train to maintain his secret then I can't see this episode going places.

Just when the plot has stalled, things pick up in the acting department, with the introduction of a train employee. This guy is by far the worst actor in the series up to this point. He has this fucking ridiculous accent and I have no idea where the fuck he's meant to be from. Let's hope it gets more action in the third act.

All food and water has been confiscated in an effort to make them work fast in finding the killers. MacGyver believes they could be out there for a week before anyone starts worrying about them. He knows they need to find the killers as soon as possible. Personally MacGyver doesn't look worried and doesn't give a fuck about the lack of food, indicating that he has plenty of drugs on him. 

One of the other passengers, Laura, is really scared. Her boyfriend Andy wants to get married but she isn't so sure. They are in love but just haven't know each other long enough. Looks like there are going to be a shitload of filler scenes for the rest of the episode. MacGyver shows up and comforts Laura telling her it's going to be fine. Laura tells her boyfriend "he made me fell better" which means "I'll bang him later". If they really are out there for a week, for MacGyver it'll just be one big sex and drug orgy. 

Having sewed the seeds with Laura, MacGyver moves on to Andrea. MacGyver spouts some shit from the bible to which Andrea replies "in a weird way you're a comfort MacGyver". I'm predicting the series first inter-racial three way.

Elsewhere on the train James is flirting with one of the other female passengers, Diana, while looking after the ticket collector. He is feeling emotional due to the fact that he used to be such a great surgeon but now he's nothing. Diana tells him that he is something, he's still a doctor. Just because he's missing an arm it doesn't make him useless. He still has the knowledge, he'll just have to develop a stethoscope that is easy to use with one arm, like the drummer from Def Leppard did with his futuristic drum kit. He can still make a great contribution, he just needs to believe in himself. He is still coming to terms with the pain he gets from his phantom limb, but Diana tells him it will just take time. Having all of her limbs she clearly has no idea what the fuck she's talking about, but James takes comfort in this.

James lost him arm in an indecent that occurred at the hospital he worked at in London. He blames himself which makes it all the more difficult. An armed maniac high on drugs walked into the emergency room and pointed the gun at his patient. James put his arm up and said "just put the gun down", the guy didn't listen and blew his arm off instead. Every day since, only around 50 so not that many to be honest, he wishes he'd done something different. 

James: What do you want out of life?

Diana: To be purposeful, to be needed.

James: Oh, you are needed.

James and Diana share a kiss, the first for the series not involving MacGyver. The director could have explored the concept of phantom limb fingering, but for some reason chose not to. Perhaps this is the wrong forum. It is an issue that needs to be dealt with by someone at some stage. James and Diana would have boned which may have been a little awkward for the ticket collector but when you're shot on a train in the middle of nowhere you take whatever weird medical care you can, even if that involves being taken care of by a one armed man banging a chick in the bed next to you.

MacGyver makes a whistle out of a bottle cap that only horses can hear which will be needed in the next scene for some reason. He shows Andrea who is very impressed. 

The next morning Andy wakes up before everyone else and has that 'I'm going to do something incredibly fucking stupid look in his eye. He does something incredibly fucking stupid in trying to run away. The guards pull out their guns and just before shots are fired, MacGyver runs onto the scene, spin kicking one of the guards in the back of the head and blowing his recently produced horse whistle. This throws everyone off and luckily no one killed.

Andy was hiding under the train just before making a run for it and it appeared like one of the guards, who was shot from the waste down, had applied 'black hand'. Perhaps they didn't have enough extras and needed an Indian looking hand, but the application of shoe polish to a dudes hand just looked fucked, not as fucked as say C. Thomas Howell in the Soul Man, but still pretty fucked.

The guards were tipped off about the escape by Kramer, leading to the others believing he's the drug salesman. Kramer has something to hide, in his suitcase is a shitload of cash. Husan states that he paid in gold, so Kramer isn’t the guy, even though he looks sketchy as fuck. This begs the question why don't they just search the train looking for the gold?

MacGyver is getting pretty bored of the whole situation as Andrea doesn't appear to want his cock as much as he thought, so he decides it's time to get the fuck out of there. He makes a lie detector out of a stethoscope and an alarm clock, a foolproof method for finding the killer.


MacGyver tests the device on Andy and it appears to work perfectly. After the test has concluded Andy and Laura kiss, setting off the alarm once more. MacGyver comments "that was love, not lying", which Husan doesn't find fucking funny at all.

The next guy up, Webster, is wearing a pink shirt, and looks guilty as fuck. The alarm goes off when MacGyver asked him if he stole the drugs. He caves in and admits it was him and the train employee with the fucked accent all along. He grabs a gun and runs off.

MacGyver chases Webster to the engine car, where Webster smacks him in the face. Webster's plan is to drive the train out of there. MacGyver warns him that the ignition has been rigged to explode. Webster quips that perhaps MacGyver needs to have a go on his own lie detector and attempts to start the engine, electrocuting himself. Webster is dead but who gives a shit, he poisons kids.

Husan gets his gold back and everything returns to normal. Except for the people who died taking the drugs, they are still dead. And for Webster who is dead too. And for the train employee with the fucked accent, he'll be going to prison for a long time and hopefully never acting again. I think at the end of the day he was meant to be South African but it really is hard to say.


MacGyver makes the comment that while he'll be able to get them actual medicine this time, the medicine isn't a miracle cure, what they really need is a doctor, someone with the knowledge to take care of the sick, yet someone who has a serious disability and probably couldn't get a job in a regular hospital as who the fuck would want to work out there in the middle of nowhere with minimal pay if they didn't have to. James volunteers to stay and help Husan and his gang. He doesn't want to do it alone and Diana agrees to stay and help him out. Diana's mother, an upper class British woman, isn't angry by rather pleased that she's decided on something she wants to do with her life.


It looks like everything has worked out.

Right at the very end of the episode the small girl shows up from fucking nowhere and returns the doll MacGyver made back to him. That wasn't the best decision on her part as she needs it more than MacGyver and he'll probably just bin it on the way home anyway.

The episode taught us that trains in India are fucking dangerous, that losing an arm doesn't mean you can't bang chicks and a stethoscope attached to an arm clock can be used to accurately tell if someone is lying. 

#118: Ugly Duckling (12 March 1986)

A truck full of US Airforce Snake Eye missiles have somehow been obtained by a group of dubious looking individuals. While unloading the missiles the group is attacked by an even more dubious looking bunch of dudes. A shootout takes place and while no one is hit, the truck is stolen. 

It's really hard to know how to feel about this. The missiles are in the wrong hands but they were before the theft anyway. They could have been stolen by freedom fighters or really inept criminals making the heist a good thing.

MacGyver is at a club watching an old guy lay down one of the sickest saxophone solos of all time, rivalling even the one on Billy Ocean's "Get outta my dreams, get into my car".

It turns out the guy playing saxophone was MacGyver's old College professor. This guy could rip it up like a motherfucker, and in the 80's if you could rip it up on the saxophone you were constantly knee deep in snatch. MacGyver knows this and that's probably why he's there, to get some of the professors discarded pussy.

There is a glitch in the Snake Eye missiles guidance system, the professor has figured out how to overcome the glitch and MacGyver needs to know how it's done. Why is MacGyver dealing with this issue in a night club? Isn't this type of issue better left for business hours? The professor is fighting off pussy left and right and MacGyver is asking him about a fucking missile guidance system. Get the fuck outta here. Go and see him in his office on Monday morning. MacGyver is probably there to score drugs and figured he'd kill two birds with the one stone. I still find it inappropriate. 

One of the professor's current students, Kate, hacked in the Department of Defence's system detecting the glitch. Now she is wanted by the Department for breaching security. The professor promises to talk to MacGyver about how to fix the glitch once MacGyver promises that nothing bad will happen to Kate, after all she is helping the Government by figuring out how to fix the glitch. MacGyver agrees and the professor leaves.

In the car park the professor is attacked by two guys wanting information about the missile guidance system. There is a struggle and the professor is shot. MacGyver runs over, but the professor is in a bad way. He has only enough time to tell MacGyver "you have one of the finest minds I have ever encountered, I expect you to...".

He died before he had a chance to finish his sentence but I imagine it would have gone something along the lines of, "you have one of the finest minds I have ever encountered, I expect you to find the guys that shot me and beat the living piss out of them".

MacGyver is out for revenge. This time it's personal.

It turns out that the guys who stole the missiles and shot the professor know about Kate and know that she is the only one left alive who can fix the glitch in the missile guidance system. Yes, the only person on the planet who can fix the glitch is an 18 year old girl still in school. Their plan is to track down MacGyver, "one of the governments top blood hounds". If they find him, they find Kate.

With MacGyver's mission turning into a find and protect Kate scenario, the episode has taken on a Terminator feel. The whole thing is exactly like Terminator, except much, much shitter. And MacGyver isn't from the future. 

The look on MacGyver's face when he first tracked down Kate wasn't so much one of relief but more disappointment when he realised that she wasn't hot. Actually she kind of looks like a dude, not that looking like a dude will deter MacGyver. He'll still bone her if given the chance.

After MacGyver reveals that he was involved in a sexual relationship with the professor, often engaging in the act while on campus, by stating "I spent some of the best times of my life right here in this classroom with the professor", he offers to give Kate a ride home.

MacGyver lets it slip while speaking to Kate's mum that she'd hacked into a government computer and was wanted for questioning. Kate's mother was very disappointed and Kate was pissed that MacGyver has revealed her secret. She probably should have given him that hand job he was hinting at in the car ride over.

The Department of Defence show up and take Kate in. They ask Kate to show them how she hacked into the system which she does. While doing this, she also hacks into the buildings server, changing several setting. This makes everything in the building go ape shit. Elevators wont go to the right floor, alarms go off, printers start printing out things people haven't sent to the printer, photocopiers shoot paper out all over place. Then she turns the lights off and escapes. It's fucking mayhem in that building. And realistic. 


I have no idea why terrorists fly planes into buildings when they could easy bring the world to its knees by simply hacking into a server and printing out the script to "Weekend at Bernies 2" over and fucking over at every office in America while making sure the copier insists it is out of toner even though you only replaced it 5 fucking minutes ago and jamming every email inbox with 2000 dick extension mails daily. The world would be fucked.

After escaping, Kate makes her way back to the University where she finds MacGyver attempting to hack into her computer. She tells MacGyver he'll never guess the password. Little does she know that MacGyver has the ability to wear her down psychologically and coax it out of her.

Kate tells MacGyver that she isn't pretty. MacGyver knows this. Everyone knows this. The statement reveals that Kate has even lower self esteem than he though. This should make it relatively easy for MacGyver to accomplish his two goals, getting the password out of her and getting his dick inside of her. MacGyver does his finest work on chicks with low self esteem. "You're a pretty girl when you smile". It has begun. Kate responds with "No I'm not". 


This response prompts MacGyver to guess the password is "Ugly Duckling", which it is. Fuck knows how he came up with that. The self referential password is kind of wishful thinking for Kate as the whole "Ugly Duckling" thing implies that she's going to turn into a swan, which just isn't going to fucking happen. Unless she invests in years of plastic surgery, or goes on the TV show "The Swan". I don't think they still make that show however.

Kate and MacGyver's conversation continues along the same lines.


Kate: I'm Ugly and weird.
MacGyver: You're special Kate.


At this point I'm really hoping the episode turns into one of those films where the chick is super ugly and all the boys don't like her, then MacGyver gives her a makeover by cutting her hair and buying her a new dress and she becomes hot as shit. A MacGyver makeover would be fucking rad. And would certainly involve a brown leather jacket.


Just as MacGyver is about to make a lunge for Kate's cans, the guys who killed the professor show up. I'm not sure Kate getting kidnapped at this point in time would make her better or worse off to be honest. Who knows what MacGyver would have done to her.


MacGyver and Kate quickly put on headphones, possibly to listen to some of dead professors sax work, and switch on a sound oscillator deafening the killers. 

Unfortunately the oscillator comes unplugged, MacGyver gets pistol whipped and Kate is taken.


MacGyver recovers a few minutes later to find Kate gone. "It's become apparent to me that Kate and I think a lot alike". When did he determine him and Kate think alike? MacGyver must have suffered a concussion or mild brain damage when he was pistol whipped as I have no idea what the fuck he is talking about. 


MacGyver believes Kate has left a clue on the computer. A clue about what, the location the kidnappers took her to? How in fucks name would she have done that? MacGyver is definitely concussed and probably on PCP.

MacGyver finds a computer file titled "Ugly Ducking" and opens it. I first I though he was looking for nude photos but then realised you probably couldn't look at pictures on a BBC Micro. The file contains a radio frequency. Macgyver determines that Kate must have a radio on her set to that frequency so calls the FAA and asks them to scan the Western United States to track her. MacGyver gives his employee number, DSX employee XC4479, which I'm going to remember as it could get me out of a bind one day, and the FAA agrees to perform the search. 

Meanwhile, Kate's captors don't have time to play games. They threaten to drug her if she doesn't give up how to fix the guidance system glitch.


MacGyver gets a lock on Kate's location thanks to her radio. She's been locked in a garden shed which is heavily guarded. Well it was heavily guarded until everyone fucked off to test the missile, so now it's just one guy. The fact that Kate was locked in the shed and not having the shit kicked out of her implies she gave up the information. This is a new method of storytelling for MacGyver as usually the director makes sure every fucking detail of the plot is explained. Hopefully they'll be cutting out more horse shit scenes in future episodes.


Kate attached some jumper leads to the bars on the shed window. It looks like she's going to pull a MacGyver of her own and get the fuck out of there.

MacGyver takes out the one guard with a cloth. Either the guard was allergic to cotton or that cloth was dripping with chloroform. Probably the latter, as I'm sure MacGyver keeps a bottle of chloroform in the glove compartment of his car for "emergencies".


The bars are too hot for Kate to remove and climb through so MacGyver cools them down with a can of butane. As he does this, he reminds the audience of the amazing properties of hydrocarbons just like he did two episodes ago. What is it with this guy and fucking hydrocarbons? What's he trying to do, convince people that natural gas and petrol are vital commodities? It's not 1890, we don't need a lesson on this. They are useful, we all know it, so stop fucking shitting on about them. 

After MacGyver's fucking hydrocarbon lesson, Kate gets through the bars and the chase to recover the missile begins.


While in the car, Kate reveals that MacGyver is her first real friend. She thinks MacGyver may find this lame, but MacGyver replies that friendship is something he doesn't take lightly and that he is honoured to be considered her first friend. Kate is also happy to have MacGyver as a true friend but little does she know that being friends with MacGyver usually means being penetrated anally at some stage.

MacGyver doesn't know exactly where the missile is headed but figures he can find out using triangulation. The battery in Kate's transistor radio is dead so they don't have the two devices necessary to triangulate the missiles position. MacGyver plugs the radio into a cactus which produces enough electricity to get it cranking. Is this fucking real? If so I guess it's how Mexican kids charge their iPods so they can listen to Slayer.

Kate yells out "all for one" and MacGyver responds "and one for all" even though the look on his face was one of "you're a dickhead".

The triangulation works as intended and MacGyver is able to find their location and the missiles intended target. The plan is to take out the Clinton Narrows bridge. The missile will be fired in 27 minutes. Can MacGyver stop it?

Destroying the Clinton Narrows bridge wouldn't be a big deal usually, as while a few people would die, most of them would be dudes as I don't think women can drive in California and MacGyver is really only into saving chicks. Today however is the South Bay marathon so thousands of runners will be killed. How does MacGyver know the marathon is on today? He knows because he's run it before. Twice. I didn't really think MacGyver would be into running marathons but I'm sure he did it on lots of drugs and would have had an angle for picking up chicks while running.

MacGyver believes the marathon is being run today but the footage shown indicates that it was actually run in 1972, so even if the missile is fired, it will have to pierce the space-time continuum for anyone to be injured.

The two have quite the repartee going at this stage, coming up with the same idea simultaneously, finishing each others sentences. It really is cute, read weak as shit. They are like the two uncoolest rappers of all time involved in the poorest duet since Paula Abdul and that fucking cartoon cat.


They track down the missile before it's been fired but don't have much time. The missile is heavily guarded but MacGyver has a plan, he uses lenses from a pair of binoculars and some mirrors to reflect sunlight onto a shotgun. The shotgun gets really hot and explodes, destroying everything in sight, including all of the guards.

Kate: Are they dead?
MacGyver: No they’re just out for a while.


I have no idea why MacGyver said that, as those guys are dead. Dead as shit. He always likes to point out how alive people are, usually just after he's killed them, probably to cause some confusion in people's minds just in case they are called up as a witness at one of any number of trials MacGyver will be a defendant at in the future.

They’ve stopped the missile just in time, however there is a second missile at a separate site and the launch is only seconds away. The missile is fired and MacGyver needs to think quick. He believes he can use the missile they now have in their possession, a heat seeker, to blow the second missile out of the sky. MacGyver flicks a few switches and fires the missile. What will happen? Everyone is tense. Will the runners get blown up? Will the bridge be destroyed? Of course not. The missiles blow each other up and everyone is safe, everyone except for a few of the slow runners who were probably killed by the shrapnel, but they have no one to blame but themselves for being shit at long distance running.

The episodes closing scene sees MacGyver back at the club scoring more cocaine. Kate has had the inevitable makeover and is at the club too. She still isn't hot though. MacGyver informs Kate that he's scored her a position at the Department of Defence which she can start as soon as she has graduated.

A guy is giving Kate the eye from the dance floor. MacGyver asks who he is and Kate informs him that it's her new boyfriend. MacGyver wants an introduction to which Kate replies "he's shy but get him alone in a lab, boy can he compute". I assume this is code for finger bang but who knows what the kids mean when they talk these days and by these days I mean 1986.

The episode ends with this exchange:

Kate: Will I see you again?
MacGyver: You can count on it.


The way Kate asked if she'd see MacGyver again implied that they'd banged. She's probably underage but MacGyver could argue that she looks like a 35 year old, which she does.

The episode taught us that 17 year old girls are the only ones who can reprogram defective US Airforce missiles, that you can hack into secure military servers using a BBC Micro and that you can't give every unattractive girl a makeover to create a smoking hot bitch despite what Hollywood has told us for years.

#117: To Be A Man (5 March 1986)

The episodes title "To Be A Man" indicates to me that MacGyver is going to have to step things up a notch and take his level of toughness to new heights. The only question is how?

The episode begins with MacGyver flying a fighter jet over the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan, answering the recently posed question immediately. How the fuck does MacGyver know how to fly a fighter jet? There is probably a weekend course you can do, which MacGyver would have been all over after Top Gun. MacGyver loves the bitches but he also finds it hard to resist guys who spend 95% of their time dressed only in towels.

His mission is to retrieve sensitive information contained within a satellite that has fallen out of the sky and landed in Afghanistan. As soon as MacGyver crosses over into Afghani territory he is asked to identify himself by the Russian military who have a presence in Afghanistan. Clearly not giving a fuck, MacGyver refuses to answer and is shot out of the sky. The stock footage was convincing, but probably would have been more convincing if they'd used stock footage from night instead of day, as that is when the scene took place. 

On the ground we are introduced to Kali, a badass who is either beating or raping his wife. It's hard to tell exactly, but he was laughing like a maniac and she kept repeating "no, no", so whatever was going on, he was into it and she wasn't.

Unsurprisingly MacGyver was able to eject from the plane before it was blown up and simply parachuted down to safety. He revealed that the plane was really old and the plan was always to get blown up inside Afghanistan territory to buy him some time to recover the satellite. What a fucked up plan. There must be an easier way to get into Afghanistan than get shot out of the fucking sky while in their airspace. I'm thinking a shitty disguise and hire a jeep in Turkmenistan and drive there. Actually I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about. 

Kali spots the explosion and quickly jumps on his horse to go and investigate. The Russians pay good money for plane wreckage and top dollar for survivors.

The son of the woman Kali was beating reveals that Kali isn't his father with the statement "you are not my father" and further reveals that his mother is bleeding with "mother you're bleeding".

It turns out that Kali and the woman are not married, he is just some badass who comes around once in a while to beat her. They didn't really frown upon wife beating in Afghanistan back in the 80's. I'm sure they still don't give a fuck.

Meanwhile MacGyver has tracked down the satellite and Kali has tracked down MacGyver. Behind him are a group of guys keen to capture him while in front is a huge cliff face. MacGyver scouts the grounds around the fallen satellite and finds enough material to construct a hand-glider. He's able to put the glider together in a few minutes and get off that cliff. MacGyver finds himself under heavy fire and takes a bullet in the arm. This forces him to crash land in a stream not far from his would be captors.

One of the Afghani posse finds MacGyver, who is able to construct a slingshot out of a piece of his shirt. He uses this to crack the Afghani in the head with a rock in a blow that knocks him off his horse and should have killed him. Not only can Macgyver fly a fighter jet, he also excels with a slingshot. Even if the guy isn't dead, he'll at the very least be confined to a wheelchair which is not the ideal situation in the rocky plains of Afghanistan.

MacGyver asks Ahmed why he's helping him. Ahmed replies that Kali and his gang of traitors killed his father.

Kali then kills the potentially wheelchair bound guy for letting MacGyver go. It's probably a blessing in disguise as Afghanistan is all rocks. Having to use a wheelchair would be beyond fucked.

Ahmed asks his mother to help MacGyver. due to his super human abilities. "I've seen him fly in the air like a spirit then he knocked one of the militia into the river". It really is a simpler place.

The mother asks Ahmed to keep watch for Kali while she takes care of MacGyver's wound. When Kali shows up Ahmed greets him with "there is another here to take your place. The man in there will kill you". Ahmed clearly knows fucking nothing about the concept of keeping watch. Now Kali knows MacGyver is inside which is the exact opposite of what you were sent outside the do you fucking idiot. 

Ahmed, the beaten woman's son shows up right on time to help MacGyver, who is looking in a bad way. It's just a gunshot wound to the arm you fucking pussy.

Ahmed proceeds to dish out some fucking sweet Afghani insults to Kali including "you are the offspring of a diseased goat". That made Kali pissed. Kali is probably going to go inside and butcher both MacGyver and the mother because of Ahmed. He really fucked up on the keeping watch thing, but you have to admire the kids spirit.

MacGyver grabs a butane filled gas cylinder and strikes it with a hammer sending it flying into Kali knocking him over. He lands on his gun which goes off killing him instantly. I'm pretty sure everyone in Afghanistan will be glad to see the back of Kali. He really was a dick.

MacGyver asks Ahmed why his mother is outside milking the goat and not him, to which Ahmed replies "that's not mans work". It's good to see MacGyver highlighting some of the important cultural differences between Afghanistan and The United States. I'd never trust a woman to milk my fucking goat.

Ahmed is convinced MacGyver is some kind of wizard.

Ahmed goes outside to get rid of Kali's horse but keeps its silver bridal despite direct orders from his mother not to. This kid just doesn't fucking get it.

"You flew and you made part of our stove fly, can you make other things fly too"? It must be easy to impress kids when they know fucking nothing about anything. He'll probably try either the flying fox thing or the butane cylinder thing, fuck it up and be dead by the end of the year.

MacGyver knows he has to get out of there and soon as they'll be looking for him. He's still in a very bad way and to make matters worse his wound is infected. The mother takes care of it by burning him with a red hot poker. MacGyver asks how she knows so much about gunshot wounds to which she replies, since the Russians arrived everybody knows about gunshot wounds. MacGyver was always one of those shows not to shy away from sensitive political issues.

MacGyver is asleep when Ahmed returned home from wherever the fuck he goes during the evening and the following conversation takes place between them.

Ahmed: Will he stay?

Mother: There is nothing for him here.

Ahmed: There are the mountains and the barn and the house. I'll even show him my secret place.

Now MacGyver is into a lot of things. He'll fuck chicks, he'll fuck dudes, he fuck dudes and chicks at the same time, he'll fuck underage chicks if the situation calls for it, in fact he'll fuck almost anything that moves and he loves all of it, but even MacGyver isn't into the "secret place" of a 10 year old Muslim boy.

The mountains are also kinda shitty.

MacGyver is feeling much better the next morning. He's also wearing a traditional Afghani robe that the mother changed him into during the night. 

One of the rebels finds Kali's horse, so they know something is wrong.

Meanwhile back at the house, the water pump is broken and has been for years. MacGyver fixes it and shows Ahmed how to do it for the future. We take things like running water for granted and it's good for to MacGyver reminding us that some people don't have it because they are too fucking lazy to fix a broken fucking water pump. The mother is fucking stoked that the pump is back in action.

That evening, with Ahmed asleep and MacGyver fully recovered, all indictors were pointing toward the mother getting a serious dicking. It's obviously a sensitive issue having MacGyver bang an Afghani Muslim woman on prime time television so it was tastefully handled with sensual music and a subtle transition shot of a sunrise. While what did happen is left up to the imaginations of the audience there is no doubt whatsoever that MacGyver would have fucked her like the prophet Muhammad fucking a 9 year old.

 

Just in case the audience weren't sure, the conversation the following morning removed all doubts.

MacGyver: You're staring at me.

Mother: I just want to remember (you dicking me last night), do you mind?

MacGyver: Not at all.

They banged. 

If anyone finds out about their sexual rendezvous the mother will certainly be stoned to death. MacGyver knows this and may even tip off the locals as it will make things way less awkward later on if she's dead.

Ahmed comes running back to the house informing MacGyver that the Soviets are coming. If I know Ahmed, he probably told the Soviets where to find them.

MacGyver is a master at hiding and this time he employs the age old hiding under a pile of hay technique. He's also tied a rope around one of the beams holding up the roof, so he'll be able to pull it down on some dudes head like he did with his Grandfather in the ghost town all those weeks ago.

One of the guards enters the house, eats all of their food like the fat bastard he is and then has a look around. He discovers the silver bridal belonging to Kali's horse under Ahmed's bed. The guard now knows they are responsible for Kali's disappearance. Ahmed has pretty much fucked things up at every juncture so far, so I wouldn't be surprised if MacGyver takes him up on his offer to "teach" him to "fly" in the near future. Off something high. Really high.

The soviet guard explores the barn giving MacGyver the chance to crush his skull which he duly does. The guard is clearly injured and potentially brain damaged but MacGyver runs over and punches him in the face anyway, just because he's a ruthless motherfucker. The other guard runs outside to see what all the commotion is about and MacGyver knocks him the fuck out with a shovel. He is dishing out the punishment for all angles in Afghanistan.

Ahmed asks MacGyver to put a bullet in the head of the Soviet soldier but MacGyver lets him go, teaching Ahmed compassion.

The plan now is for the three of them to flee across the border into Pakistan. Is it just me or does every MacGyver mission conclude with him having to flee across a fucking border?

On this occasion MacGyver will be attempting to flee over 

the notoriously dangerous Durand Line, which signifies the Afghanistan / Pakistan border, an area many consider to be one of the most dangerous in the world. The border is poorly marked and Afghanistan don't even recognise it, so fuck knows where MacGyver will actually be fleeing to nor how he'll know when he gets there. There is a pretty good chance Ahmed will be blown up, as he doesn't know shit about shit and he may attempt to pick up a "magical" land mine. He's been the thorn in MacGyver's side all episode, so I'm sure MacGyver wouldn't give a shit if someone blew him up with a rocket launcher. He'd get more bone time with the mother so Ahmed dying is in the best interests of all involved. Except Ahmed.

 

The soviets catch up to Macgyver and crew and start firing on them with a bazooka. One missile almost strikes their jeep, forcing them into a rocky cliff. This completely fucks the jeep. Their ride is ruined.

MacGyver climbs the cliff that destroyed the jeep, noticing that there is a loose looking boulder at the very top. Macgyver's plan is to push the boulder down the cliff onto the enemies jeep but it is far too heavy to move so he needs to come up with something. He fills the crack between the bolder and the rock next to it with water and then freezes it with the fire extinguisher. MacGyver explains to Ahmed that carbon dioxide is colder than water and will turn the water into ice which will expand enough to push the boulder off the cliff. This is a kid who thought MacGyver could actually fly do I doubt he'll understand what the fuck he's talking about.

The boulder falls at the precise moment the Soviets jeep drives past, crushing it. 

MacGyver is not only a master of science but also of time. Everything always seems to happen at the exact moment he needs it to. He may be able to control time, or water freezing, or most likely, bullshit.

 

After destroying the jeep, the trio walk towards the border. They are intercepted by the Soviet soldier who's skull MacGyver fractured with the barn roof. MacGyver's time looks like it's up.

The soldier surprises 

everyone by letting MacGyver go but offering this warning "next time I'll drop a roof on your head". Pretty meaningless warning as I'm 100% sure MacGyver will never return to Afghanistan. Ever. Even if he does, what are the chances of running into this guy? And even if he did run into this guy, he'll be brain damaged as shit so he won't even remember MacGyver. And if he does remember MacGyver, what are the chances he'll have a roof handy to drop on his head? The guard is full of shit.

Ahmed realises now just how important it was not to kill the guard. If MacGyver had have killed him, then a different guard would have been situated at the border who would have killed them. Ahmed is learning. This episode was really less about MacGyver and more about the coming of age of a young boy from Afghanistan, whose sheltered life had preventing him from learning about things most of us take for granted, such as basic science and that humans can't fly. MacGyver has started this young boy on a quest, a quest for answers, a quest for truth, a quest for freedom, a quest that will probably lead to him to becoming a suicide bomber or a commercial jet hijacker. Only time will tell.

They stroll across the border to freedom.

MacGyver taught us that getting shot out of the sky and parachuting to the ground is the best way to enter a country with tight border security, that Afghani woman like to bang just as much as any other nationality and that the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan is super safe and can easily be crossed on foot with minimal difficulty.