#104: The Gauntlet (20 October 1985)

MacGyver finds himself in the Middle East on a mission to steal a map from a group of terrorists. Without this map the terrorist organisation will be unable to complete their objective. If only MacGyver had been sent to steal a map of New York from Al-Qaeda, 9/11 may never have happened.

Almost as soon as MacGyver gets hold of the map he is discovered by the terrorists and has to make a run for it. Using the tried and true disguise method, MacGyver steals some terrorist attire from a clothes line and runs into the desert with the terrorists in hot pursuit.

Using the thin paper map as a sled, MacGyver slides down a sand dune creating some distance between himself and his pursuers. At the bottom of the sand dune is a hot air balloon, MacGyver's escape transportation.  

MacGyver is obviously much better at this type of thing than I am, but surely there is a better means of escape than a fucking hot air balloon. It certainly isn't the fastest, nor the most bullet proof. The only explanation is that there was a communication breakdown with his Middle Eastern contact. MacGyver was no doubt after a helicopter, but wires were crossed and this is what he was stuck with. I'm assuming most of the people he deals with use English as a second language so there are bound to be problems from time to time. MacGyver is a professional and for him this is nothing more than a minor inconvenience. 

From the terrorists perspective, this hot air balloon fuck up really opened the door for them to stop MacGyver and get the map, that they clearly don't have a copy of, back.

Fortunately for MacGyver he was dealing with some pretty fucking inept terrorists, who after shooting the air balloon and puncturing it, decide to simply stop shooting rather than filling it with holes and bringing it down. MacGyver was able to cover the bullet hole with the map that these assholes were after, adding insult to injury, and flew away into the sunset. I think MacGyver used the map to stop the leak just to be ironic.  

It seems the terrorists MacGyver was dealing with were less 9/11 and more this guy. If you don't bring your A game when dealing with MacGyver you're going to get fucked up. Lesson for life.   

ROLL OPENING TITLES

Macgyver is sent to an unstable country in Central America to locate journalist Kate Connelly, whose publisher fears for her safety, and bring her back to the USA.  

Within seconds of entering Kate's place of work, MacGyver finds himself with a gun pointed on him by some old guy. The old guy gives MacGyver a hard time and spouts some shit about being a bad shot so although his intention may be only to wound him, he may accidentally kill him. MacGyver seemed nonchalant and could have fucking broken this old guy in half at any moment but chose not to as it probably wouldn't leave the best first impression on Kate. Plus the fact that they worked together probably meant they were friends, so it might piss her off, and MacGyver wouldn't want to listen to her bullshit complaining on the trip all the way back to the USA. 

MacGyver introduced himself with a somewhat seductive "hi", indicating that a part of him wanted to bang Kate right then and there. I have no idea what he was thinking with the old guy creeping outside, it would have been more than a little weird. 

Kate was developing some pictures at the time and MacGyver noticed a shot of Dave Ryerson, a guy he'd caught and had extradited from the USA a few years earlier and was undoubtedly going to run into again during the episode. After a brief chat it was revealed that Kate was chasing a big story involving a deal that was to take place between Dave Ryerson and General Antonio Vasquez, the military leader of the unspecified Central American country that borders Mexico. Kate told MacGyver that she'd return to the USA with him, but only after she had pictures of the deal going down. MacGyver agreed to these terms and the two headed off for Dave Ryerson's compound.

At this point in time, although unseen, I thought Dave Ryerson must have been somewhat of a badass. He'd been extradited from the USA and was about to do a deal with a ruthless military dictator. All of this changed when MacGyver was able to break into his compound using a fucking camera strap. This guy was as amateur as the terrorists at the start of the episode. Plus he was wearing a white suit. Who does he think he is, Michael fucking Jackson in the Smooth Criminal video?

General Vasquez on the other hand was a certified badass. Unlike the weak as piss General in episode #102, General Vasquez looked hard as nails in his full camouflage ensemble. The question is often asked how a man like General Vasquez made his money in order to become powerful enough to take over a country. While drugs are most certainly involved, at least part of the Generals revenue stream would have come from his appearance in porno's. I'm pretty sure I saw this guy in Central American Sluts 6.

While General Vasquez and Dave Ryerson are ironing out the details of their weapons deal, Kate is getting the pictures she requires to add some well needed colour to her expose, as in the past her work has been criticised for a lack of photography.

MacGyver wants to get the fuck out of there but Kate insists of getting a photo of them shaking hands and the two are inevitably caught. It is in situations like this that I really feel for MacGyver. He knows what he's doing but others refuse to listen to him and then he is the one who has to get them out of trouble.

The reception Dave gave MacGyver was surprisingly jovial. This was the man who had him kicked out of America after all. Dave undoubtedly saw this as an opportunity to get revenge.  

Dave asked MacGyver for the cameras. While rounding them up, MacGyver simultaneously located some plastic explosives and sets a detonator. The blast wasn't huge but it gave MacGyver and Kate just enough time to get out of there.  

General Vasquez was pissed but then he remembered he had an entire army capable of tracking down MacGyver and getting the reputation damaging film.

MacGyver and Kate return to her office only to find the old guy being carried out by members of the military, dead. Kate in understandably upset. MacGyver on the other hand didn't really seem to give a shit. The old guy was a bit of a dick. He did point a gun at MacGyver and in a way threatened to kill him. First impressions are everything to MacGyver and the old guy certainly made the wrong one.

The office is no longer safe so the two hide out in a church. I'm not sure why MacGyver chose a church as he clearly wanted to use this opportunity to "comfort" Kate and you’d have to be dirty as shit to bang in a church after just meeting someone. 

In a scenario remarkably similar to the last episode, MacGyver and Kate now need to get across the border before they are captured by people who want something from them. With 100 km between them and the Mexican border, they are going to need a mode of transport and fast.

MacGyver creates a diversion on par with the "light bulb sandwich" from episode #103 in terms of weakness by taping some fire crackers to the church bell, but this gives them just enough time to steal a decommissioned school bus. MacGyver is no stranger to slow means of escape after the whole hot air balloon incident from earlier and I wouldn't be surprised if MacGyver took the bus just to give himself more of a challenge.

While General Vasquez doesn't share the same flare for fashion as his Burmese counterpart, the two definitely use the same cell phone company, who set them both up with the Nokia 0002 handset.

Upon spotting a tracking helicopter, MacGyver decides to go off road in an attempt to lose them but fuck knows how you're meant to be stealth in a fucking school bus. Not knowing where he is going, MacGyver ends up driving the bus into a river, destroying it. Kate emerged from the bus soaking wet and had to remove some of her clothing, making it apparent that this was MacGyver's plan all along.

With only 10 miles to the border, most people would have made their way on foot using the cover of darkness, but not MacGyver, he decided it was best to set up camp for the night. 

MacGyver was able to use his skills to catch a lizard for dinner, something Kate was pretty unstoked on. I know Kate, why don't you eat what you caught for dinner? That's right you didn't fucking catch anything did you? MacGyver uses an old family recipe consisting of ingredients lying around the Central American wilderness to prepare the lizard which Kate found to be delicious. With so many strings to his bow already, was it any surprise that MacGyver has exceptional culinary skills? He also taught Kate not to be such a whiney bitch and to try foods you may perceive not to like as you may actually enjoy them.

The lizard also doubled as a dizzying aphrodisiac as Kate started flirting pretty heavily with MacGyver.

Kate: MacGyver, you keep me off balance.

MacGyver: I'm sorry.

Kate: No, I think I Like it. (Lying down) Wanna share?

MacGyver: That's quite and offer.

Kate: Is that a yes or a no?

MacGyver joins her on the makeshift bed and they share an intimate kiss. The scene finished here, but there is not a doubt in my mind that there was some serious deep dicking in Central America that night.

The next morning MacGyver makes the comment that Kate could stand to lose a few pounds which I thought was a little unfair, but having just fucked her, he was in a better position to judge that than me.

The two steal a jeep from some military guys and make their way to the border. When they arrive, they spot General Vasquez at the river signifying the Mexican border with about 50 men. MacGyver then realises that perhaps they should have made their way across the border during the night. The car trip was already awkward enough with the lizard influenced sex and fat comment, so the last thing MacGyver needed was to have to deal with the realisation that he'd fucked up the escape plan too.

The two drove to an abandoned house they found a few miles back to see what they could find. MacGyver filled a bunch of old barrels up with gasoline as well as putting something in the engine that would create a shit load of smoke. It wasn't the best plan I've seen but they didn't have much to work with.

Returning to the top of the hill overlooking the border, the smoke created by the car engine gave them some protection to work with. 

MacGyver's plan revolved around rolling oil barrels down a hill Donkey Kong style while Kate and himself jumped inside a larger wooden barrel hoping to roll right past the 50 guys shooting at the other barrels and into the river where they could swim to Mexico and safety.

Needless to say it worked. I have absolutely no fucking idea how, but it worked. The two were now in Mexico and General Vasquez was pissed.  

Two Mexican border control officers were on hand to ask if they had anything to declare and to field any questions they may have had about Mexico. Kate then fixed her broken camera "MacGyver style" and took a picture creating a wacky, read shit, ending to the episode.

MacGyver taught us that it's possible to get out of almost any situation with smoke and some old barrels, while General Vasquez undoubtedly had Dave executed because he's a ruthless motherfucker.

THE END

#103: Thief of Budapest (13 October 1985)

The episode begins with some of the most ridiculous facial hair seen on television.

We soon discover that MacGyver is on a mission to recover a stolen horse, but not just any horse, the most expensive horse on the planet. After punching a guy in the face and stealing his turban in order to blend in, showing that he is truly deserving of his master of disguise status, MacGyver tracks down the horse and flees the scene.

After a brief but brutal, actually it was pretty weak, dual with the crazy facial hair guy, MacGyver narrowly avoids capture and rides off with a group of crazed men in hot pursuit. With superior horse riding skills they start to gain on MacGyver, however the men failed to factor in a helicopter swooping down and picking up the horse with a hook attached to a rope. With insufficient technology to combat this move they were fucked. It proved yet again that a helicopter is better than a horse. I'm not sure what happened after this but I'm pretty sure the helicopter flew all the way back to America. 

What we learned from this mission is that MacGyver doesn't give a fuck what he does as long as he's getting paid. He'll stop a deadly sulphuric acid leak or retrieve a dangerous toxin if needed but he'll also quite happily go and recover some rich dudes horse as long as the price is right. He's a humanitarian sure, but he's also a business man.

ROLL CREDITS

MacGyver is sent to Budapest, which looks remarkably similar to suburban USA, to rendezvous with a secret agent and recover some sensitive information. Well that was allegedly his MO, but from what I could ascertain, all he was doing was fucking around at a street fair and eating ice cream.

MacGyver gets pick-pocketed by a young Gypsy girl, Jana, probably because he was eating that fucking ice cream and not properly paying attention. Being as astute as he is, MacGyver instantly noticed that his Swiss Army knife was missing. He calls her out, she gives it back and then she does it again, this time getting away with it.  

Pick-pocketed by a young girl twice in a minute, you're really slipping.

MacGyver finds his contact sans Swiss Army knife and organises a place to meet for the exchange as their present location is too open. Here is how the conversation went:

MacGyver: Yo, Grods.

Grodsky: MacGyver, I didn't expect you my old friend.

MacGyver: It came as a surprise to me too, a pleasant one might I add. How you doing?

Grodsky: With you as my contact, perfect.

It is no surprise that they wanted to do the "exchange" somewhere more private. I'm pretty sure they used to be romantically involved and the exchange involved dick. We know that MacGyver loves the bitches but after this exchange it is clear that he is bi-sexual, or at least has been at some time in the past.

Moments later, Grodsky is pick-pocketed by that same fucking Gypsy girl. This time she steals a watch containing the top secret information that was to be passed to MacGyver.

Sitting in a van across the street is a Hungarian guy and a Russian guy who are desperate to get hold of the watch. Upon identifying Grodsky they leap out of the van knowing that this is the time to get the watch. Rather than playing it all stealth, the Russian yells out "Grodsky", which I don't think was the wisest move, taking out the element of surprise. Grodsky realises he is in trouble and starts to run, only to be hit by a car and killed instantly.  

MacGyver's reaction to Grodsky's death was almost one of relief. Sure they were old friends, possibly even lovers, but MacGyver had agreed to meet up with Grodsky later for an "exchange" which although he thought was a good idea at the time, now realised was something he wasn't really in to. Sure the two had shared something before, something special, but that was in the past and MacGyver was a different man now. Grodsky dying was probably better than MacGyver having to let him down, for the both of them.

The Russian realised that Jana had stolen the watch. He wants the girl and MacGyver and fast.

MacGyver finds Jana hiding in a rubbish bin, or possibly living in there, it wasn't really explained, but by this time she'd already given the watch to her brother who had just coincidentally been arrested by the cops.

MacGyver and Jana decide to put their differences aside and work together in order to achieve the common goal of getting her brother back. They track the brother and other prisoners to forced labour camp, reminiscent of the 1940's.

MacGyver realises that he's going to have to break them out, so uses the oldest diversion in the book, the "light-bulb sandwich", in order to gain access to the supply truck heading into the camp. For the unaware, a light-bulb sandwich is a bunch of light-bulbs sandwiched between two planks of wood.  When a vehicle drives over it, the driver is usually so shocked they have to stop the vehicle and get out to take a look, which gives a would be intruder enough time to climb into back of the vehicle. MacGyver executed this perfectly. "It's a light-bulb sandwich, let's hope they take a bite". Hilarious.

Once inside the van MacGyver changes into the same clothes as the other prisoners showing us for the second time this episode that he able to blend into any environment effortlessly.

After creating an explosive out of shit he found in the back of the supply truck, MacGyver then puts on a guards outfit to throw off the other guards. This guy has more outfit changes than fucking Bruce Willis in The Jackal. 

At this moment MacGyver really starts causing some shit. He blows a few things up, sets an unstoppable digger off to wreak havoc and gets the other prisons to start up a fight. It's pandemonium in that prison camp. He rounds up the prisoners and they get out of there.  

MacGyver asks for the watch and Jana's brother informs him that he sold it. Back to square fucking one. The brother doesn't even offer to go and get the watch back for MacGyver, he sends MacGyver to do it himself. No fucking gratitude. If there is one consistent theme running throughout these early episodes it is that MacGyver seems to end up helping ungrateful cunts.

MacGyver heads to a local bar to track down the mysterious Reena, who has the watch, that is if she hasn't fucking given it to anyone or sold it. After watching a guy drink a flaming shot, get into a fight and setting something on fire, MacGyver is called into Reena's room by the woman herself.

MacGyver: I don't drink much.

Reena: Well, here's to your health, which would be be at considerable risk if I send you back downstairs.

MacGyver: Is there a back-way out of here?

Reena: Of course, but you have to earn it.

I think MacGyver was literally just looking for an escape root, while I'm pretty sure Reena was talking about anal sex. That's just was the vibe I was getting from her after 30 seconds of screen time.

Reena asked MacGyver why the watch was so valuable and he tells her that several people are after the information contained with it. She kisses him and confirms that he is telling the truth.

I don't actually think this is a scientifically proven way of telling if someone is lying but I'm sure this is the kind of shit Reena pulls on a daily basis.

MacGyver could have boned her right then and there, she was definitely up for a good fucking, but the Russian showed up at the bar and he had to get out of there fast. It was probably for the best, as who knows what kind of shit Reena had. Probably AIDS.

She gives MacGyver the watch and he gets out of there.  

With watch in hand, MacGyver decides it is time to head back to America. Jana obviously has a tough life in Budapest and asks MacGyver to take her to America with him. She quotes the Cyndi Lauper classic "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" in order to strengthen her argument as to why MacGyver should take her back, but he still isn't convinced.

Although I haven't done the research, I would be very surprised if there wasn't a huge spike in immigration to the USA by girls during 1983 because of this song.

MacGyver realises the Russian will be after them, and that the best thing for them to do is to get across the border. They steal what MacGyver referred to as "a sports car" but what I refer to as "a mini" and burn off as fast as they could towards the Austrian border. The Russian tracks them down, as do the cops, which leads to an unhindered thrill ride of a car chase through Hungary.

MacGyver must have stolen a prototype for the worlds fastest car as they were able to complete the approximate 100 mile journey from Budapest to the Austrian border in 10 minutes. Czechoslovakia was  much closer so I'm not sure why they went to Austria, but I'm sure MacGyver had his reasons. He is probably wanted in Czechoslovakia in relation to several matters.

The biggest let down of the car chase was that there were not any serious crashes and nobody died.

At the border, the Russian realised that he'd failed his mission and would be assassinated upon his return to Russia which led to him shouting out "MACGYVER!!!!!"

If he'd had a hat in his possession he would have most certainly thrown it to the ground.

MacGyver has a quick chat to the guy working at the Austrian border and was able to get the Gypsy family full Austrian citizenship, a decision I'm certain he does not have authority to make. MacGyver could have made the whole citizenship thing up just to get Jana off his back about him taking her to America knowing full well that he'd be out of the country later that day, so they couldn't be mad at him when the whole thing fell through.

With the watch in his possession MacGyver decides it is time to head off but not before giving Jana his pocket knife and a kiss on the lips, something that today would get him 3-5 years in prison but back then was not only accepted, but encouraged.

Recently France have been at the centre of controversy regarding treatment of Gypsies in Europe. While this group are often discriminated against, France has gone much further by wanting to expel Gypsies from the country.

This episode of MacGyver did contain quotes such as:

• “Gypsies are like mongrel dogs, it is a public service when you kill them”
• "If their hide was worth anything I’d have them gutted, skinned and used as rugs"

This was however balanced with scenes that really showed the struggles they faced on a daily basis. Hopefully the French government will watch this episode as at the end of the day it shows that Gypsies are people too. Sure they spend most of their time trying to pick-pocket everyone in fucking sight, playing shitty music and living in bins, but they have feelings and shouldn't be discriminated against.

Perhaps it isn't the Gypsies that are the problem but rather our own fears. To quote the man MacGyver himself, "some people are scared of anyone who runs free". So wise, so very wise.


THE END

#102: The Golden Triangle (6 October 1985)

Top secret Pentagon missile launch codes have made their way into the wrong hands and it is up to MacGyver to recover them, naturally from a junkyard.

MacGyver intercepts the codes easily enough using a giant magnet, but is quickly captured and locked inside a car which is in turn thrown into a car crusher. Even in a near certain death situation MacGyver was able to reminisce about all the good times he had in the back of cars. He didn't specify what those good times were exactly but I've taken it to mean banging bitches.  

Using a socket wrench MacGyver was able to get out of the car and quickly flee the scene, which was even more remarkable than it sounds as the guys that locked him in there were watching from a mere 10 feet away.

As the villains attempt to drive away, MacGyver picks up their car with a fork lift and lifts it to such a height that it is impossible for them to escape. Actually it wasn't really that high at all but would you want to escape with fucking MacGyver loose on the ground? Didn't think so.

MacGyver gets on the phone to some form of law enforcement agency, probably the CIA or FBI but it could just have easily been the local sheriff and tells them to "come and pick them up, I just did". MacGyver has just narrowly avoided death, apprehended the suspects and still has time for jokes, albeit shit ones, showing just how cool in a crisis the man is.

ROLL THE OPENING

A crashed Cargo plane sends MacGyver to Burma in order to recover a canister of dangerous toxins that have the potential to devastate the area. MacGyver has only 24 hours to locate the canister but he seems to be at his best when working with a time limit.

Not long after landing in Burma, MacGyver helps a young boy hide from a group of Burmese militants who have enslaved the residents of his community and force them to harvest poppies. If Rambo 4 taught me anything it's that Burmese generals have a penchant for raping small boys, so it is no wonder that the kid was running. It also explains why he may have been a little apprehensive about trusting MacGyver initially. After only a few minutes, the two had a great rapport and throughout the episode their relationship really went from strength to strength. The kid knows where the crashed cargo plane is and takes MacGyver there, however the canister is missing.

MacGyver and the kid are soon captured and taken back to camp. Here we are introduced to one of the least intimidating Generals in the history of film and television.

I have no idea what the fuck this dude is wearing but he obviously missed the memo regarding berets being totally fucking shit, not just in military fashion, but in general. He really needs to have a look at how other Generals are dressing and take some of what he sees onboard.

MacGyver spots the canister and other weapons that have been scavenged off the crashed plane. Before he has a chance to act, the general instructs his soldiers to take MacGyver, tie him to a bamboo rack, not give him any food or water and leave him there until he dies.  

The general obviously has no idea who MacGyver is, as you don't leave MacGyver somewhere to die. If you want him dead, you'd better kill him right then and there. Leaving him alive was a big fucking mistake. He expects to see MacGyver dead when he returns in 5 days, but I just don't see that happening.

After a day the boy finds MacGyver's Swiss Army knife and returns it to him. This allows MacGyver to break free and break some skulls.

With MacGyver on the loose, things were about to get a lot fucking worse for the General and his men.  

MacGyver wastes no time getting shit going by creating the subtle yet effective diversion of letting pigs out of a pen. With the slaves scrambling to capture the pigs and the militants laughing hysterically, MacGyver has just enough time to grab some flares and rig them up to an inflatable boat that once inflated will let said flares off causing an explosion, run off and kick a guy in the face, steal his jeep, drive it for 10 feet before jumping out, shoot a flare at the jeep setting it on fire and chase the Generals second-in-command away.

MacGyver announces to the villages people that they are now free, but all of them are pissed off because they think the General will return and kill them all. For fuck sake, the guy frees you from slavery and all you can do is complain. What the fuck is wrong with you? Talk about being ungrateful.  

Understandably MacGyver collects the canister and gets the fuck out of there.  

For reasons that I still can't comprehend, after dropping off the canister, rather than getting the fuck out of Burma forever, MacGyver decided to go back and help the ungrateful cunts who gave him a hard time for attempting to free them in the first place. MacGyver is obviously a better man than I. Why would you help people that are pretty much assholes when you could go and bone hot bitches?

He possibly could have come back for the boy, but not in a Michael Jackson way, just in a wanting to help someone out way.

MacGyver really didn't have much to work with so he sets up a few traps including a hole in the ground and a log tied to a rope. Yeah, they were pretty weak but the enemy were unable to think on the same level as MacGyver and fell victim to his primitive yet effective defence system.

Initially I wasn't sure how MacGyver could outsmart them with such simple devices but once I saw the size of their mobile phones I knew that MacGyver was dealing with a society with extremely outdated technology.

The General realises that his minions are incapable of doing fucking anything so flies back to the village in order to take care of that pesky MacGyver. Unfortunately for the general he was unable to escape from bullshit, so when MacGyver attached a cable to his helicopter he couldn't fly away and was brought to the ground.

The final fight between MacGyver and the General promised to be something of legend but it wasn't to be. The General tripped over and impaled himself on his own sword. Yeah, seriously.

MacGyver not only saved the day, he empowered the village people and taught them to stand up for themselves and that it is possible to defeat a group of heavily armed soldiers with carefully dug holes and ropes tied to tree branches.

THE END

#101: Pilot (29 September 1985)

MacGyver is first introduced hanging off the side of a rock face in central Asia. You immediately know that this guy is tough as shit. He ruins this initial felling a little with some bullshit story about a horse and Old Man McGuinty, however this is a metaphor for what is happen on screen at the time so I guess I'll let it slide. Old Man McGuinty had better show up later in the episode.

Whatever doubt you may have had about MacGyver's toughness is soon dispelled as we see him take out a dude, steal his jacket and hat and stroll effortlessly into camp with his opponents none the wiser, showing that not only is MacGyver well versed in rock climbing he is also a master of disguise.

We see a fighter jet off in the distance and a man captured in a bamboo cage. MacGyver gets the captives attention and throws him his Swiss Army knife, the first appearance of the quintessential MacGyver item. This guy looks remarkably calm despite the fact that he is currently being held hostage by a ruthless missile stealing terrorist group, which is certainly an indication that he knows who MacGyver is and just how much of a fucking badass he is.

It is now that we find out MacGyver's mission: to defuse a stolen missile, possibly nuclear, but that is pure speculation. MacGyver is also bomb expert and is able to defuse a bomb with only a paper clip, making office supplies seem cool again.

On the escape we see MacGyver firing a gun. I know that MacGyver doesn't like guns and I'm pretty sure this is the only time we see him fire one for the entire run of the show. We often see certain elements of a show changed from the pilot, like with Full House where they had some other asshole playing Danny Tanner, and in MacGyver's case it was that the use of gun was deemed unnecessary as he was so tough didn't need one.

The escape sees MacGyver grab the hostage, fire them off the cliff with a rocket launcher and parachute to safety. Fuck yes.

ROLL THEME SONG

MacGyver was set in 1985, a time before pedophiles, a time where it was cool for adults to hang out with kids before Michael Jackson fucking ruined everything. In the opening scene, we discover that MacGyver is part of the big brother program where he spends time with underprivileged youngsters, showing that not only is he a tough motherfucker, he is also a humanitarian. MacGyver does slap the kid a little too close to the balls but it was all street legal in those days.

MacGyver is picked up in what appears to be an early Airwolf prototype and flown to a laboratory known as KIVA where an explosion has gone off creating a dangerous sulphuric acid leak. We find out that MacGyver is the only man qualified for the task of stopping this leak. 

At the lab he is informed he has only 5 hours to get in there, rescue the scientists, stop the leak and get out. If the sulphuric acid reaches the Rio Grande river it will poison everyone is New Mexico, Texas and regular Mexico.  

KIVA is apparently the Fort fucking Knox of the science world and MacGyver is forced to make his way through a series of lasers in order to complete his mission. He achieves this with cigarettes and a pair of binoculars. When asked what he was doing, MacGyver responded with "have you ever seen a scorpion sting itself"? He then used the laser to destroy the laser. That's what the fuck he was doing. Just let him do the job and stop questioning him every fucking 30 seconds.

After moving an object blocking his path with an emergency fire hose, MacGyver comes across a chick called Spencer who is enlisted to help him find and stop the leak and rescue the scientists. 

MacGyver immediately regretted asking Spencer to help him out as when he stumbles across a pile of chocolate on the floor a few minutes later and stops to pick it up. Spencer starts giving him a hard time. I don't know what her problem was, the chocolate seemed to be in edible condition and who gives a shit if it was on the ground of a laboratory where a serious chemical leak is currently taking place. She was probably just pissed as MacGyver was picking up the chocolate that she was planning on coming back and getting later.

A few minutes later, the emergency airlocks activate and the two are forced to run through a series of doors in order to prevent being trapped in the chamber and most likely dying.

Despite the near death experience, MacGyver still has time for a quick glance at Spencer's tits before she has he chance to notice. I always knew MacGyver was good, but it was only now I knew he was a true professional.  

Spencer obviously realising that she had narrowly escaped death thanks MacGyver and obviously not noticing that he had taken a quick peak at her tits, gave him a telling kiss on the lips. They didn't have much time, so it wasn't an appropriate opportunity to bone but she was definitely gagging for it.

The two finally arrive at the scene of the sulphuric acid leak. They need to stop it and they don't have much time. MacGyver reveals that the chemical composition of chocolate, C12 H22 O11, when reacted with sulphuric acid creates a substance strong enough to temporarily stop a sulphuric acid leak. Spencer, I guess you're glad you let MacGyver stop for 10 seconds to pick that chocolate up now you fucking idiot. 

With the first part of the mission complete, MacGyver now needs to find the scientists and get them out of there. Coincidence would have it that they are in the next room, unfortunately there was no way in. Thinking quickly MacGyver found some sodium in a cupboard, carefully spooned it into a cold capsule, dropped it in some water and let science do the rest. The resulting explosion blasted a hole in the wall and the scientists were free.

Just when you thought all was resolved one of the old scientists pulled out a gun and revealed that KIVA wanted to turn the technology he had helped develop into a weapon, an ozone destroying weapon that could end the world. Unfortunately for the investors of KIVA an ozone destroying device already exists, it's called an air conditioner.

Nevertheless, the old scientist planted the bomb as he didn't want to be responsible for causing harm to the world. Then he accidentally shot Spencer who let's face it was probably asking for it after giving MacGyver shit about the chocolate.

With only minutes before the military were due to fire the missile into KIVA that I failed to mention earlier, MacGyver had to get a message to the control room letting them know that the leak had been stopped and that all was well, apart from fucking Spencer being shot.

MacGyver proceeded to flick the building lights on and off creating a Morse code message that the leak had been stopped. He failed to mention the shooting but I guess Spencer is expendable.

After the incident, MacGyver isn't given any sort of thanks from those fucking bastards at KIVA whatsoever and all we see is Spencer on a hospital bed. The wound doesn't seem to be fatal which makes things kind of awkward for MacGyver as he did kiss her in the lab and now he doesn't seem to be into her that much. He gives her a parting kiss, says good bye and then gets the fuck out of the hospital without giving her his number and without email or facebook in 1985, the chances of her tracking him down are slim. Just the way MacGyver wanted it.

MacGyver saved the day thanks to his quick thinking and chemistry expertise so now everyone in the New Mexico area can sleep safe in the knowledge that their water supply is probably drinkable. MacGyver also taught us that you can stop sulphuric acid leaks with chocolate.

THE END