#101: Pilot (29 September 1985)

MacGyver is first introduced hanging off the side of a rock face in central Asia. You immediately know that this guy is tough as shit. He ruins this initial felling a little with some bullshit story about a horse and Old Man McGuinty, however this is a metaphor for what is happen on screen at the time so I guess I'll let it slide. Old Man McGuinty had better show up later in the episode.

Whatever doubt you may have had about MacGyver's toughness is soon dispelled as we see him take out a dude, steal his jacket and hat and stroll effortlessly into camp with his opponents none the wiser, showing that not only is MacGyver well versed in rock climbing he is also a master of disguise.

We see a fighter jet off in the distance and a man captured in a bamboo cage. MacGyver gets the captives attention and throws him his Swiss Army knife, the first appearance of the quintessential MacGyver item. This guy looks remarkably calm despite the fact that he is currently being held hostage by a ruthless missile stealing terrorist group, which is certainly an indication that he knows who MacGyver is and just how much of a fucking badass he is.

It is now that we find out MacGyver's mission: to defuse a stolen missile, possibly nuclear, but that is pure speculation. MacGyver is also bomb expert and is able to defuse a bomb with only a paper clip, making office supplies seem cool again.

On the escape we see MacGyver firing a gun. I know that MacGyver doesn't like guns and I'm pretty sure this is the only time we see him fire one for the entire run of the show. We often see certain elements of a show changed from the pilot, like with Full House where they had some other asshole playing Danny Tanner, and in MacGyver's case it was that the use of gun was deemed unnecessary as he was so tough didn't need one.

The escape sees MacGyver grab the hostage, fire them off the cliff with a rocket launcher and parachute to safety. Fuck yes.

ROLL THEME SONG

MacGyver was set in 1985, a time before pedophiles, a time where it was cool for adults to hang out with kids before Michael Jackson fucking ruined everything. In the opening scene, we discover that MacGyver is part of the big brother program where he spends time with underprivileged youngsters, showing that not only is he a tough motherfucker, he is also a humanitarian. MacGyver does slap the kid a little too close to the balls but it was all street legal in those days.

MacGyver is picked up in what appears to be an early Airwolf prototype and flown to a laboratory known as KIVA where an explosion has gone off creating a dangerous sulphuric acid leak. We find out that MacGyver is the only man qualified for the task of stopping this leak. 

At the lab he is informed he has only 5 hours to get in there, rescue the scientists, stop the leak and get out. If the sulphuric acid reaches the Rio Grande river it will poison everyone is New Mexico, Texas and regular Mexico.  

KIVA is apparently the Fort fucking Knox of the science world and MacGyver is forced to make his way through a series of lasers in order to complete his mission. He achieves this with cigarettes and a pair of binoculars. When asked what he was doing, MacGyver responded with "have you ever seen a scorpion sting itself"? He then used the laser to destroy the laser. That's what the fuck he was doing. Just let him do the job and stop questioning him every fucking 30 seconds.

After moving an object blocking his path with an emergency fire hose, MacGyver comes across a chick called Spencer who is enlisted to help him find and stop the leak and rescue the scientists. 

MacGyver immediately regretted asking Spencer to help him out as when he stumbles across a pile of chocolate on the floor a few minutes later and stops to pick it up. Spencer starts giving him a hard time. I don't know what her problem was, the chocolate seemed to be in edible condition and who gives a shit if it was on the ground of a laboratory where a serious chemical leak is currently taking place. She was probably just pissed as MacGyver was picking up the chocolate that she was planning on coming back and getting later.

A few minutes later, the emergency airlocks activate and the two are forced to run through a series of doors in order to prevent being trapped in the chamber and most likely dying.

Despite the near death experience, MacGyver still has time for a quick glance at Spencer's tits before she has he chance to notice. I always knew MacGyver was good, but it was only now I knew he was a true professional.  

Spencer obviously realising that she had narrowly escaped death thanks MacGyver and obviously not noticing that he had taken a quick peak at her tits, gave him a telling kiss on the lips. They didn't have much time, so it wasn't an appropriate opportunity to bone but she was definitely gagging for it.

The two finally arrive at the scene of the sulphuric acid leak. They need to stop it and they don't have much time. MacGyver reveals that the chemical composition of chocolate, C12 H22 O11, when reacted with sulphuric acid creates a substance strong enough to temporarily stop a sulphuric acid leak. Spencer, I guess you're glad you let MacGyver stop for 10 seconds to pick that chocolate up now you fucking idiot. 

With the first part of the mission complete, MacGyver now needs to find the scientists and get them out of there. Coincidence would have it that they are in the next room, unfortunately there was no way in. Thinking quickly MacGyver found some sodium in a cupboard, carefully spooned it into a cold capsule, dropped it in some water and let science do the rest. The resulting explosion blasted a hole in the wall and the scientists were free.

Just when you thought all was resolved one of the old scientists pulled out a gun and revealed that KIVA wanted to turn the technology he had helped develop into a weapon, an ozone destroying weapon that could end the world. Unfortunately for the investors of KIVA an ozone destroying device already exists, it's called an air conditioner.

Nevertheless, the old scientist planted the bomb as he didn't want to be responsible for causing harm to the world. Then he accidentally shot Spencer who let's face it was probably asking for it after giving MacGyver shit about the chocolate.

With only minutes before the military were due to fire the missile into KIVA that I failed to mention earlier, MacGyver had to get a message to the control room letting them know that the leak had been stopped and that all was well, apart from fucking Spencer being shot.

MacGyver proceeded to flick the building lights on and off creating a Morse code message that the leak had been stopped. He failed to mention the shooting but I guess Spencer is expendable.

After the incident, MacGyver isn't given any sort of thanks from those fucking bastards at KIVA whatsoever and all we see is Spencer on a hospital bed. The wound doesn't seem to be fatal which makes things kind of awkward for MacGyver as he did kiss her in the lab and now he doesn't seem to be into her that much. He gives her a parting kiss, says good bye and then gets the fuck out of the hospital without giving her his number and without email or facebook in 1985, the chances of her tracking him down are slim. Just the way MacGyver wanted it.

MacGyver saved the day thanks to his quick thinking and chemistry expertise so now everyone in the New Mexico area can sleep safe in the knowledge that their water supply is probably drinkable. MacGyver also taught us that you can stop sulphuric acid leaks with chocolate.

THE END