#210: Three for the Road (15 December 1986)

The episode begins with the old guy from Night Rider on a road trip with some old woman talking about some bullshit nobody under the age of 100 could possibly give a shit about. They pull up to a hotel where MacGyver happens to be staying, out of the city where “time moves a little slower”, which simply means the town sucks.

At this point in time it is safe to say the women is old, but certainly not too old for MacGyver to bang. This leaves the door ajar for a disturbing three way later in the episode.

We learn that MacGyver is out in the middle of nowhere to meet Tony Sullivan, part of the syndicate, who has selected this location as the rendezvous point, so something big must be going down. Before MacGyver gets the chance to meet with Tony, some goons show up and shoot Tony dead, but not before he had the chance to stash a bag in the old guys car, which I’m certain will be of major significance in the episode.

It turns out Tony saved MacGyver’s life twice when he was running guns into Afghanistan and MacGyver was running for his life. MacGyver wishes he could have returned the favour but he was too late. Nobody should really give a shit about Tony; he was a dickhead and traded in weapons. What was MacGyver doing in Afghanistan? Almost certainly sourcing a cheap supply of heroin for personal use.

Back at Phoenix Foundation headquarters, Pete has decided to call MacGyver home, as there is nothing MacGyver can do and frankly Pete doesn’t want the Phoenix foundation involved. I never know what type of missions the Phoenix Foundation will take on. They’ve been involved in some sketchy shit in the past but other rather normal missions are rejected. I’m pretty sure they go where the cash is. Or the drugs. And always where they’ll be hot bitches.

The old dude gets into a fight with some guy who sits a beer on his car. It turns out old dude is a famous actor of sorts. He’s obviously dealing with some certified bassasses, as the dude comments “hit me and I’ll make mashed potato out of your face”. Holy shit!

MacGyver shows up just at the right time and takes the dude out with a sweet move that involves beating someone up with a jacket, leather at that.

We soon discover the goons who killed Tony are part of the mafia, and their boss wants the satchel Tony threw in the old guys car. The old guy finds the satchel and opens it. Turns out it’s loaded with money. Looks like things are about to get interesting or dog shit boring depending on your perspective.

It turns out the old guy is broke. All of his cards are declined when he tried to pay for the hotel. Just when the hotel owner is about to beat the living piss out of him, he used the cash found in the satchel and then quotes some play “kindness to any creature as I’ll never pass this way again”.

MacGyver finds himself with a fucking garbage rental car, broken down in the middle of nowhere. “Rental cars, a lot like playing hot potato and I got burned by an over heated air conditioner”. No idea what the fuck that means. How is renting a car like playing hot potato? What even is hot potato? Most people would be kind of pissed and demand a refund from the rental company. MacGyver will probably beat the living piss out of the guy and may even kill him and then dissolve the body in acid. He’s not quick to forgive or forget.

Back at the hotel, the goons and their boss have shown up. They get some change when checking into the hotel and it’s all new $20 notes. They proceed to interrogate the manager who says he doesn’t know where he got the notes. After jamming his fingers in the cash register he remembers he received them from the old guy who is on his way to Hollywood in a red car.

MacGyver meanwhile reveals a few tricks of the trade. “A paperclip can be a great thing.  It’s got me out of a jam on more occasions than I can remember”. Yeah it’s held documents together when otherwise each individual page would have flown around all over the fucking place. They are great. This time the paperclip isn’t able to assist him and he finds himself stuck in the middle of nowhere. Just when all hope is lost, the old dude and his wife show up and give MacGyver a ride.

The old dude explains the premise of his new movie Space Pirates to MacGyver, and the general consensus is that it’s going to be fucking garbage.

Just when it looks like the creepy three way I was envisioning early is about to take place at a truck rest stop, the goons show up.

The old dude drives off as quickly as he can but not fast enough. MacGyver is able to slow them down by throwing luggage in their general direction. Stepping it up a notch he removes the top from the convertible and throws it at them, causing the goons to fly off the road. This luckily leads to them puncturing a tire, buying MacGyver and his new old as fuck posse some time.

Unfortunately the time bought is minimal as their fuel line is cracked and the car comes to an abrupt halt only a few miles from where the goons are stopped. MacGyver is able to repair the fuel line with a pen after reluctantly getting an autograph from the old guy. His wife thanked MacGyver for playing along. She knew MacGyver didn’t want his autograph as his films are all dog shit and this dude is like a poor mans Jack Lemon, only way older and D-grade city. Life imitating art I ask you.

The previously pristine vehicle is not completed fucked, mostly due to the works of MacGyver ripping it apart. I don’t actually think most of it was necessary, MacGyver just hated the old guys shitty stories.

The goons get the tire changed and the chase continues. MacGyver makes a rocket launcher out of the exhaust and used the gear stick knob as ammunition.  The rocket surprisingly worked very well, completely fucking up the goon’s car and allowing them to get away.  It appears the goons will have to walk all the way to Hollywood.

In an unsurprising turn of events MacGyver and gangs’ car is also fucked, so the excruciatingly slow chase continues.

The old guy decides now is the time to confesses to MacGyver that he is in possession of what the goons are looking for, a satchel filled with cash.

They see a deserted town just off in the distance. MacGyver decides this is the perfect place to hide and ambush the goons in a storyline almost fucking identical to the recent episode involving his grandfather.

They may run with the ambush technique or they may just decide in stay in the ghost town forever, start a production company and put on dog shit plays for passers through.

Once in the town, MacGyver has a look at the $20 bills. The money is counterfeit, in a twist that probably won’t have any impact whatsoever on the outcome of the episode.

MacGyver decides the car is practically a write off so there is no reason why he shouldn’t continue to deconstruct it. He pulls out the battery and the car horn, which he will be using to construct a brutal doorbell. They may have no weapons but that doesn’t mean MacGyver can’t deafen the goons.

While this doorbell construction is taking place, a hilarious conversion takes place where the old guy is talking about his wife but MacGyver thinks he’s talking about his car. Hilarious! And by hilarious I mean fucking stupid.

MacGyver makes some paper flowers to give to the old guys wife in one last ditch effort to try and sweet talk her into a three way. It looked like it was going to work when the goons show up.

MacGyver subtlety takes out the first guy by slamming his head under the car bonnet.

The old guy chooses the most inopportune time apologizes to his wife for everything he’s ever done to her, including the shitty films. The boss of course shows up during this apology and the old guys fortunes have taken a serious turn for the worse.

MacGyver’s horn alarm blasts the second goon and then MacGyver proceeds to beat the shit out of him.

The old guy does some radical swashbuckling with the car aerial.  Just as shit starts going even further downhill, MacGyver takes the boss out with a hubcap. The boss was actually totally weak as shit.

MacGyver finally remembers who the old guy is and can even name a few of his shitty films. It’s kind of like spending the day with Pauly Shore then finally remembering Encino Man after 8 hours of talking to him.

Back at the Phoenix Foundation Car Repair office / money laundering outfit, MacGyver has repaired the old guys car! The old guy finds a scratch, well what he thought was a scratch but it was just a thread and MacGyver blows it away and they all laugh. A hilarious ending to a boring as fuck episode.

MacGyver taught us that the best way to end a car chase is to throw luggage at a vehicle, that D-grade actors can be annoying as shit, if you find a bag of money it always belongs to the mafia and that it isn’t as easy to get an old aged pensioner into a three way as one might think.