#102: The Golden Triangle (6 October 1985)

Top secret Pentagon missile launch codes have made their way into the wrong hands and it is up to MacGyver to recover them, naturally from a junkyard.

MacGyver intercepts the codes easily enough using a giant magnet, but is quickly captured and locked inside a car which is in turn thrown into a car crusher. Even in a near certain death situation MacGyver was able to reminisce about all the good times he had in the back of cars. He didn't specify what those good times were exactly but I've taken it to mean banging bitches.  

Using a socket wrench MacGyver was able to get out of the car and quickly flee the scene, which was even more remarkable than it sounds as the guys that locked him in there were watching from a mere 10 feet away.

As the villains attempt to drive away, MacGyver picks up their car with a fork lift and lifts it to such a height that it is impossible for them to escape. Actually it wasn't really that high at all but would you want to escape with fucking MacGyver loose on the ground? Didn't think so.

MacGyver gets on the phone to some form of law enforcement agency, probably the CIA or FBI but it could just have easily been the local sheriff and tells them to "come and pick them up, I just did". MacGyver has just narrowly avoided death, apprehended the suspects and still has time for jokes, albeit shit ones, showing just how cool in a crisis the man is.

ROLL THE OPENING

A crashed Cargo plane sends MacGyver to Burma in order to recover a canister of dangerous toxins that have the potential to devastate the area. MacGyver has only 24 hours to locate the canister but he seems to be at his best when working with a time limit.

Not long after landing in Burma, MacGyver helps a young boy hide from a group of Burmese militants who have enslaved the residents of his community and force them to harvest poppies. If Rambo 4 taught me anything it's that Burmese generals have a penchant for raping small boys, so it is no wonder that the kid was running. It also explains why he may have been a little apprehensive about trusting MacGyver initially. After only a few minutes, the two had a great rapport and throughout the episode their relationship really went from strength to strength. The kid knows where the crashed cargo plane is and takes MacGyver there, however the canister is missing.

MacGyver and the kid are soon captured and taken back to camp. Here we are introduced to one of the least intimidating Generals in the history of film and television.

I have no idea what the fuck this dude is wearing but he obviously missed the memo regarding berets being totally fucking shit, not just in military fashion, but in general. He really needs to have a look at how other Generals are dressing and take some of what he sees onboard.

MacGyver spots the canister and other weapons that have been scavenged off the crashed plane. Before he has a chance to act, the general instructs his soldiers to take MacGyver, tie him to a bamboo rack, not give him any food or water and leave him there until he dies.  

The general obviously has no idea who MacGyver is, as you don't leave MacGyver somewhere to die. If you want him dead, you'd better kill him right then and there. Leaving him alive was a big fucking mistake. He expects to see MacGyver dead when he returns in 5 days, but I just don't see that happening.

After a day the boy finds MacGyver's Swiss Army knife and returns it to him. This allows MacGyver to break free and break some skulls.

With MacGyver on the loose, things were about to get a lot fucking worse for the General and his men.  

MacGyver wastes no time getting shit going by creating the subtle yet effective diversion of letting pigs out of a pen. With the slaves scrambling to capture the pigs and the militants laughing hysterically, MacGyver has just enough time to grab some flares and rig them up to an inflatable boat that once inflated will let said flares off causing an explosion, run off and kick a guy in the face, steal his jeep, drive it for 10 feet before jumping out, shoot a flare at the jeep setting it on fire and chase the Generals second-in-command away.

MacGyver announces to the villages people that they are now free, but all of them are pissed off because they think the General will return and kill them all. For fuck sake, the guy frees you from slavery and all you can do is complain. What the fuck is wrong with you? Talk about being ungrateful.  

Understandably MacGyver collects the canister and gets the fuck out of there.  

For reasons that I still can't comprehend, after dropping off the canister, rather than getting the fuck out of Burma forever, MacGyver decided to go back and help the ungrateful cunts who gave him a hard time for attempting to free them in the first place. MacGyver is obviously a better man than I. Why would you help people that are pretty much assholes when you could go and bone hot bitches?

He possibly could have come back for the boy, but not in a Michael Jackson way, just in a wanting to help someone out way.

MacGyver really didn't have much to work with so he sets up a few traps including a hole in the ground and a log tied to a rope. Yeah, they were pretty weak but the enemy were unable to think on the same level as MacGyver and fell victim to his primitive yet effective defence system.

Initially I wasn't sure how MacGyver could outsmart them with such simple devices but once I saw the size of their mobile phones I knew that MacGyver was dealing with a society with extremely outdated technology.

The General realises that his minions are incapable of doing fucking anything so flies back to the village in order to take care of that pesky MacGyver. Unfortunately for the general he was unable to escape from bullshit, so when MacGyver attached a cable to his helicopter he couldn't fly away and was brought to the ground.

The final fight between MacGyver and the General promised to be something of legend but it wasn't to be. The General tripped over and impaled himself on his own sword. Yeah, seriously.

MacGyver not only saved the day, he empowered the village people and taught them to stand up for themselves and that it is possible to defeat a group of heavily armed soldiers with carefully dug holes and ropes tied to tree branches.

THE END