#108: Hellfire (24 November 1985)

Bill suggests they head up to the old abandoned 10 Strike Mine, where they find a storage shed with a few crates of dynamite. The episode must have been running short, as the sequence involving Bill and MacGyver getting the dynamite to the truck lasted about 10 minutes, when 30 seconds would have sufficed. The storage shed was a little unstable, as was the dynamite, so MacGyver had to make a quick dash out of there when one of shelves holding the dynamite collapsed. This absolutely obliterated the shed and resulted in Bill looking at MacGyver and telling him "you're crazy". That he most certainly fucking is.

Back at the oil well, Laura is having a deep and meaningful conversation with Bill.

Bill: Do you think they can do it?

Laura: Bill and MacGyver together, they can work miracles. I love bill so much but there is something in him that scares me.

Not raises two issues. Firstly when Laura says "they can work miracles" is she referring to putting out oil well fires or what they do to her in the bedroom? Either way, they are a formidable duo. Secondly, is this "something" in Bill an indication that she thinks Bill is possessed? I'd previously put his erratic behaviour down to a cocaine habit, but it could just as easily be demonic possession. MacGyver didn't really deal with supernatural phenomenon, so I probably just misinterpreted what she meant.

On the way back to the ranch, the truck breaks down so MacGyver fixes it with a pen. This sort of shit is just the day to day for MacGyver.

With the ranch insight, a nitro-glycerine leak causes a small explosion disabling the trucks breaks. If the truck crashes and the dynamite explodes, the two of them are dead. MacGyver drives the truck into a dam and miraculously there is no explosion. Bill and MacGyver live to fight another day.

With the dynamite in hand, the only problem now is the searing heat stopping them from getting close enough to the well to be able to drop the explosives into the shaft. MacGyver constructs a heat resistant contraption that will allow them to get close enough to the shaft out of an old jeep, some pipes and a refrigerator door.   

Bill reveals that on his last mission, three of his crew members died. He blames himself and doesn't want anyone to die on his watch again, which is why he insists on hell fighting one last time. If his friend MacGyver died fighting the fire, he could never forgive himself. MacGyver refuses to let Bill fight the fire and the two are involved in a scuffle. Laura breaks up the fight and although she is scared for Bill's life, insists that he helps MacGyver put out the fire, as he is "the best around".  It is Bill and Laura's oil too, so why the fuck should MacGyver risk his life putting it out, especially when putting out oil well fires is Bill's profession.

The two get into the contraption MacGyver had constructed and make their way towards to fire.

It takes some time, but they are eventually able to get close enough to the shaft to drop the explosive, which detonates and puts out the fire.

Everyone is ecstatic once more. This was no easy mission, but with determination, unstable explosives and a refrigerator door, they were able to accomplish what they set out to.

The well will need a lot of work done on it before it'll be able to start producing oil and with Pete out of action with a fractured leg they are already a man down so it could take some time. MacGyver offers to stay and help them out for a few weeks as he needs some time away from work, which Laura and Bill agree to.

At the end of the day MacGyver just wants to help his friends and see them succeed, as well as double team Laura with Bill as he didn't get a chance to do that the night before due to the fire.

THE END

MacGyver heads to a remote part of the US to catch up with some old friends who are in the process of starting up an oil well. He gets dropped off by a helicopter just because he can. This place was remote, but not that fucking remote. He could have easily driven, that's all I'm saying.

MacGyver stumbled a little when disembarking the helicopter, dropped his bag and did a little fucked up salute to the pilot as he flew away. I'm pretty sure MacGyver was pissed. He looked about 8 beers deep, but he is on holiday so who am I to judge.

He is greeted straight off the helicopter by Laura, the wife of Bill, an old work colleague of MacGyver's who is in charge of the oil drilling. After a hug that lasted a fraction long, this conversation went down:

Laura: I've missed you Macgyver, as elegant as ever.

MacGyver: Laura, as beautiful as ever and oh so sexy.

Now this raises several issues. Firstly, who the fuck calls a man elegant? Handsome, sure, good, yeah that's fine, but fucking elegant? Get the fuck out of here. Secondly, MacGyver, dude, what are you doing? That is your friends wife and he is only a few hundred feet away. Just calm it the fuck down ok? Maybe you and Laura had something going on in the past but that was then. Bros before hoes.  

Laura was certainly excited to see MacGyver. Bill was also excited, but his excitement bordered on insanity. There were way too many hugs for such a short period of him, MacGyver was dragged for about 50 metres and Bill threw comments out there like "you need to get over here with me". This guy was out of his fucking head. Him and MacGyver's friendship must be in some part due to their love for taking copious amounts of drugs.

The level of excitement was so high that there is little doubt Laura would be getting double teamed by Bill and MacGyver that evening. We learned in episode #103 that MacGyver is bi-sexual or at least has explored that part of his sexuality in the past, so if Bill swings that way, who knows what will be taking place at the oil fields later that night.

  

Laura and Bill haven't struck oil just yet, but they are confident it is down there and they'll be striking it rich very soon. Helping the two out at the oil field is an experienced driller by the name of Pete. Fuck knows what he thinks of Laura and Bill acting like 12 year old school girls who just spotted Justin Timberlake at the mall.  

They kind of ignored Pete after that which I thought was pretty rude. Pete is there helping them with their oil field so they really should show him more respect. With Bill coked up to his eyeballs and Laura thinking about double cock action, treating Pete with the respect he deserves is too far down the list of their priorities I guess.

Back at the hut, a fuse blows and MacGyver has to fix it with a chewing gum wrapper. The last few times I've bought gum it hasn't come wrapped in foil, so MacGyver may well have been fucked if he was asked to fix the fuse today.

The reason MacGyver had to fix the fuse in the first place was because things are so tight they simply can't afford to buy new fuses. Bill previously worked as a "hell fighter". I'd never heard of this position before and at first I thought it might have been a guy that fixes photocopiers and fax machines for offices, but it was soon revealed that a "hell fighter" is someone who puts out fires at oil wells, which in hindsight does make much more sense.

Bill was injured badly at his last job, spending 6 months in a burns ward. With Bill on his deathbed, Laura made him promise he'd never fight oil well fires again. He agreed, and since his miraculous recovery has stood by his promise. They used all of their savings and every cent they could borrow to get the land for the oil well. If they don't find oil, Laura is scared Bill will have to return to hell fighting. It has to work, for both their financial future and Laura's sanity.

At precisely that moment, as if scripted, oil starts flying out of the well. All four of them run outside to have a look. Bill and Laura are ecstatic, as is Pete and even MacGyver. 

Excitement turns to distraught just a moment later when a light bulb shatters creating sparks which set the oil well ablaze.

Soon enough the entire oil field was engulfed in flames. There were numerous explosions, one of which resulted in a structure falling down and Pete getting trapped under a pile of pipes. MacGyver is able to free him and they escape relatively unscathed with the exception of Pete, who fractured his leg.  

Back at the ranch, MacGyver tells some shitty story distracting Pete long enough for MacGyver to snap his leg back into place. You could see the pain in Pete's eyes.

The time comes to formulate a plan.  hey need to put that fire out and put it out fast. Unfortunately it won't be possible to get a team up there for at least two days, so MacGyver suggests they do it themselves. All they need is dynamite, which of course they don't have.    

#107: Last Stand (17 November 1985)

MacGyver decides to take some time off from work and just chill the shit out. He heads out to Sparrow Lake, an old fishing spot his father took him to as a kid, however years of substance abuse have had an effect on MacGyver's memory so he doesn't know where the fuck this fishing spot it.

MacGyver makes his way to a small airfield a few miles down the road in order to get directions to the fishing spot.

Kelly, the owner of the airfield, gives MacGyver the information he needs to get to Sparrow Lake. MacGyver seems to be getting a bad vibe from the other customers and decides to stick around for some coffee. MacGyver's intuition is confirmed when Kelly uses lipstick to conceals a message of "help" in his coffee cup. Before MacGyver has the chance to turn the coffee cup into a helicopter and get them out of there, one of the other customers, Buddy, who is the most badass and drug fucked of the posse, pulls out a gun and points it at MacGyver. Say what you will about MacGyver, but you can't deny he is a perceptive motherfucker.

Buddy pours out MacGyver's coffee before he had the chance to finish it. MacGyver quips that the coffee was a little strong anyway, impressing Terry, the leader of the group, with his quick wit and cool demeanour in a crisis.

Two other guys show up in a truck carrying a stolen armoured van. This is one fucking motley crew. Terry informs MacGyver that each member of the group was hand selected as each has his speciality. From what I could ascertain, Terry is the brains of the operation and the other three are expert deadshits.

The armoured van contains a security guard and a shitload of cash. Buddy rigs up some explosives to blow the door of the van open. Knowing that the blast will kill the guard, MacGyver convinces Terry to let him attempt to open the door by telling him that the blast will burn up all the money.

MacGyver makes a torch out of a racing bike and some rust, back in the day when racing bikes were made from the "strongest and lightest material on the planet", magnesium. Using the torch, MacGyver is able to cut through the lock and open the door.

The security guard jumps out of the van unharmed. Buddy pulls out his gun and kills him anyway showing just how loose as fuck he is. Everyone is shocked. They now realise that Buddy isn't one to fuck with.

MacGyver and Dave, one of the other employees, are forced to dig a grave at gunpoint. Dave reveals he was a medivac helicopter pilot in the war but "doesn't fly anymore". He was shot down and spent 13 months as a Prisoner of War where he witnessed all kinds of surreal atrocities. He hasn't flown since, but I have a feeling he'll need to face his demons and get back in that chopper before the end of the episode.

A count of the money, that really didn't take long enough, revealed that the gang have some $8 211 600 in their possession. All they need now is the charter jet and they'll be on their way to Mexico. A call comes in from the pilot revealing he'll be there in 15 minutes however there is a slight electrical problem. In order to try and avoid others getting killed, MacGyver offers to fix the problem. Terry agrees and sends him out to the garage to get the tools required for the repair.

Turk, one of the other bad guys, is sent to supervise. This wasn't the best choice from Terry as Turk had been smashing beers all day. When dealing with MacGyver you really need to be at your most focused. Needless to say MacGyver was able to outsmart Turk by cracking his skull with a "lateral cranial impact enhancer" or a metal pipe.

MacGyver starts to put his escape plan into action. He makes a few bombs out of fertiliser and ether which will act as a distraction giving the others enough time to pile into a fire engine and effortless get away.

While producing these bombs, Kelly reveals to MacGyver that things haven't been easy with Dave since he returned from the war. This episode is set in 1985, so the Vietnam war had been over for 10 years. Assuming Dave was captured right at the end of the war, even if he had to hitch his way back to America, things haven't been good between these two for a good 8 years. I know he has been through a lot and there was once something there, but there comes a time when you just have to call it quits. Kelly really needs to get rid of him and move on with her life. Kelly tells MacGyver "we make allowances for each other" which means they have an open relationship. With the door ajar for a possible bone, MacGyver's spirits are instantly lifted.

MacGyver lets off one of the bombs, attracting the attention of the other three still conscious bad guys who run out to investigate. Kelly, Dave, MacGyver and Al the cook jump aboard the fire engine and get out of there. MacGyver's choice of a super slow method of escape is their undoing on this occasion and within minutes they are captured.

Miraculously, Terry decides to keep the four of them alive. We already know Buddy is a fucking maniac who kills for fun, so it wouldn't have been a problem disposing of them. Just to make sure they don't escape again, MacGyver and Kelly are locked in a freezer room while Al and Dave help fix the plane that has just showed up.

MacGyver has to work fast to break them out of there before they freeze to death. He uses a pipe to channel water melted by a light bulb into the lock.  The water will refreeze, expanding in the process and breaking the lock. With all the elements in place, it is a waiting game. This gives MacGyver and Kelly a chance to chat. Kelly tells MacGyver how much she wants kids, but with Dave she just don't know if it is a good idea. Kids need a home, not just a place with two strangers. Kelly is clearly freezing and after the "wanting kids" comment, as well as the fact that Kelly and Dave have an open relationship, I'm surprised MacGyver didn't use this as an opportunity to break out the tried and tested "I know one way we can keep warm" line. I guess he respects Dave too much.

After 5 minutes, in a process that should have taken several hours, the lock cracked and MacGyver was able to break the freezer door down.

With the lock destroyed using the power of ice, this time it really is time to get the fuck out of the air field. MacGyver straps some of his unused explosives, which weren't confiscated by Terry, to a remote controlled plane and flies it out onto the runway. The plane explodes and each and every one of the bad guys has to go and investigate, leaving the hostages free to run away again. These fucking idiots fell for exactly the same trick twice in the matter of half an hour. Couldn't two have investigated while the other two watched over the hostages? Clowns. Fucking clowns.

MacGyver is on the loose and nobody can find him anywhere. He takes out Turk for the second time before finding the bad guy that doesn't talk or have a name and takes him out too. With absolutely no idea where any of the hostages are, despite the extremely limited amount of hiding places, Buddy turns to Terry telling him "I'll look around brotha" in what it without doubt the worst piece of dialogue for the series so far.

Al knows that it is only a matter of time before either them or MacGyver are captured and this time it is unlikely they'll be kept alive. He may only be a cook at a small air field diner but he is a man with so much wisdom. He looks Dave in the eyes and tells him "this is one of those times in you life when you either go one way or the other and the rest of your life depends on which way you pick".

Taking this on board, Dave knows he needs to get in that helicopter and help MacGyver get them out of this situation alive.

Terry has had enough of trying to find MacGyver and realises that with the money and a functioning plane they can just get the fuck out of there and not worry about MacGyver.  

Dave is having a few problems coming to term with what he has to do. He hasn't flown for so long that the fear is overtaking him. What if he is shot down again at the airfield and has to spend another 13 months in a prisoner of war camp? Irrational thought, yes, as there is no fucking way that could happen but you don't know what the man has been through. MacGyver convinces Dave with "we can't let them get away. They killed a man and I give a damn about that".

MacGyver jumps on the back of the plane Terry and Buddy are attempting to escape in, making it impossible for them to take off. Terry makes his way onto the top of the plane and shoots at MacGyver but is unable to hit him. Terry eventually falls off.

Dave flies over in the chopper to make it even harder for Buddy to take off and takes Terry out in the process. Dave flying that chopper was the happiest I'd seem him in, well, to be honest I don't think I've ever seen him that happy.

Buddy stops the plane and decides it is time to finish MacGyver once and for all. He is too weak as shit and MacGyver deals with him with minimal effort.

With all four bad guys debilitated, two possibly dead, the ordeal is over. Al and Dave round up Terry and Buddy and take them back to the diner. I have a feeling that deep down Al is a bad motherfucker and will most certainly be dishing out his own unique brand of justice rather than calling the cops.

At the end of the day, it wasn't essential for Dave to get back in the chopper to escape, but it was essential for his own self confidence. MacGyver knew that. He made Dave get back in that chopper just to make him feel like a person again, to feel alive. Dave can now move on and if he wishes revive his career as a medivac in Iraq in about 5 years.

MacGyver and Kelly have a few moments alone in which MacGyver tells her "better be careful what you wish for Kelly, it might just come true". MacGyver realised that Kelly is pretty hot, and that not fucking her would be something he'd regret later, so this line was just a subtle way of MacGyver saying "I really want to fuck you". The episode ended here but they would have most definitely sent Dave and Al for help, giving them some alone time back in the freezer. He kind of deserved it, as he did save their lives and his holiday was fucked up because of them.

MacGyver showed that making someone do something they don't want to do because of severe mental scarring is a good thing and that helping someone out makes it ok to bone their wife. He also showed that it is relatively easy to defeat fucking idiots.

THE END

#106: Trumbo's World (10 November 1985)

Episode #106 starts off auspiciously with a shot of MacGyver wearing only a towel. With the exception of Top Gun, the towel has never fully been utilised as a costume. Here MacGyver shows that if used tastefully, the towel can have a huge impact on the narrative.

MacGyver has been sent to the Pyrenees to rescue another fucking chick. You may be wondering about the towel, well the towel is his subtle disguise as a group of guys nearby are waiting for a shower, and yet again it is effective.  

The chick is pretty excited to see MacGyver, so I'm guessing she'd been a hostage for rather some time. She gives MacGyver a hug and judging by the expression on his face, and the easy access to his dick that a towel provides, she went straight for it. 

After a brief hand job it was down to business. MacGyver changed into actual clothing, grabbed a rope and made a run for it with the chick in tow. He'd created a diversion with the shower too just in case you were wondering how he bought enough time to escape.

With an armed group on their tail, MacGyver had to act fast. He rigging up a rope at the edge of a cliff, abseiled down, set the rope that he'd earlier dowsed in kerosene on fire, threw an inflatable boat in the river and took off down the rapids.

The guys persuing them took a few shots at the boat but were unable to puncture it. They rigged up their own abseiling rope and made their way down.

A few hundred metres down the river, MacGyver set up a barbed wire trip wire in the water. This punctured his pursuers boat, destroying it and sending the men into the water. If the trip wire was set just a little higher there could have been some awesome decapitations. While this was a major fuck up on MacGyver's part, he did have time for the comical “those guys are all washed up” line.

Once on land, there would have most definitely been some dicking.

ROLL OPENING TITLES

MacGyver "travels halfway around the world to help a friend with a weird problem in a strange part of the amazon". 

It seems a dozen species of birds have been spotted in desperate flight, terrified in the heart of the rain forest. With every other motherfucker in town too scared to see what the fuck is going on, it's up to MacGyver and friend Charlie to see what is so frightening. The part of the amazon they want to investigate is too dangerous for the inexperienced, however all of the local guides are too weak as piss to take them in. The local lawman mentions a man named Trumbo who lives in the region. He warns them against going down there as Trumbo is a man who plays by no rules and acknowledges no laws. The last time he saw Trumbo he was shot at. MacGyver is a man who often throws caution to the wind, so decides to go and visit Trumbo anyway.  

Within seconds of locating Trumbo's lair, MacGyver and Charlie had been shot at. While this is far from an ideal welcome, they had been warned. Trumbo tells them to get the fuck out of here. MacGyver notices that a water pump is broken and offers to repair it for Trumbo in exchange for a guide. Trumbo tells MacGyver to fuck off, he doesn't want to put any of his men in danger. MacGyver offers to fix it anyway and Trumbo accepts the gesture, showing that he can be reasonable when free labour is offered.

MacGyver makes an electric arc welder out of some jumper cables and a quarter, repairing the pumps damaged piston, impressing Trumbo in the process. Charlie asks Trumbo for a guide again, in which Trumbo replies once more that he won't risk his men but because MacGyver helped him out of bind, he will take them himself. MacGyver and Charlie were pretty stoked and the posse of Trumbo, Charlie and MacGyver was formed, or as I like the call them, the original three amigos.    

There is definitely something out there in the jungle scaring the animals but what could it be? I was hoping for a predator type creature and even suspected that this episode could have been the source material for the classic Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Unfortunately for me and everyone who has ever seen this episode I was wrong. This vicious and frightening phenomenon was nothing more than ants. Billions of ants, but ants nonetheless. Weak as fucking shit.

MacGyver and Trumbo rescue a girl trapped under a canoe in a nearby town while Charlie takes some pictures of these troublesome ants. While snapping away, he slips and falls into an ant pit. And dies. What a fucking weak cunt. I imagine MacGyver is going to have to contact his wife or loved ones and inform them of his death. Imagine that conversation:

Wife: How did it happen?

MacGyver: He fell into a pile of ants.

Wife: ...

MacGyver: Yeah I know, what a fucking weak cunt. 

MacGyver and Trumbo didn't even bother recovering the body. Charlie wasn't the smallest guy going around so fuck carrying him all the way back to Trumbo's place. MacGyver can at times be harsh, but he is always fair.

Using some fucking tracking system, MacGyver was able to identify that the ants were heading in a north easterly direction, exactly towards Trumbo's plantation.

MacGyver found a drawing Charlie had done of him just before his unfortunate ant related passing. Trumbo commented that Charlie had really captured MacGyver well, but to be honest the picture was kinda shitty. This put MacGyver is an awkward position as the picture was too shit to keep but the guy who drew it had just died. It was pretty unfair of Charlie to be honest. We don't see the picture for the rest of the episode so it is safe to assume that MacGyver burned it.

With the three amigos now two, the increased workload MacGyver faces is something he clearly isn't stoked about. Having to take out billions of ants is a rather daunting task when you have three in your planning committee, so with one less it's a fucking nightmare.  

To make matters worse, some old cunt tells everyone working at the plantation to get the fuck out of there as he's seen the ants before and they are too dangerous to fuck with.  

Trumbo is pissed. He knows with all of his staff gone he'll have fuck all chance of defeating the army of ants. He starts shooting the boats so nobody can get away, but MacGyver tackles him to ground and a brief punch-up ensues. MacGyver is of the opinion that if the want to go they can. All Trumbo is asking for is a little help from his employees and if I was him I'd be pissed too.

With only MacGyver, Trumbo and some other dude Trumbo found in the jungle when he was a kid left, the odds are stacked against them. MacGyver saw what those ants did to Charlie and knows that they aren't fucking around. The ants killed MacGyver's friend, so this time it's personal.

The plan is to fill the irrigation ditches around the plantation with water, creating a moat the ants will be unable to penetrate. The young dude starts filling the ditches with water but the ants are able to get across as the water is too shallow. He tries to pump in more water but the ants get to him and claim their second victim. These ants are brutal and this young man, well he was a boy really, never stood a chance. He was also a bit of a pussy so that was undoubtedly a contributing factor.

Plan B involves MacGyver and a home-made flame thrower. He burned the fuck out of a heap of ants but it wasn't enough. They ran out of gasoline before they could get all them.

Plan C, the last resort, had to be engaged. This plan involved blowing up the dam, flooding the entire plantation and drowning the ants while destroying the entire crop in the process.  

MacGyver made an explosive out of fertiliser, tree bark and acid to use to destroy the dam and also made a suit of armour manufactured out of melted plastic pipes to protect him from the ants.

MacGyver reached the dam covered in ants and I suspect if it wasn't for the suit he'd made  he could well be dead. He planted the explosives, destroyed the dam and let the water do the rest. The sound effect used to denote drowning ants was monumentally fucked but that aside the ants were dead and the plantation was saved, apart from all the destroyed crops.

Trumbo was happy even though his crop was destroyed and was already planning to rebuild. He didn't mention the dead guy he had raised like a son at all. He probably didn't like him that much and he was a bit of a pussy who was killed by ants, so his life will be better without him anyway.

Throughout the episode it wasn't mentioned exactly what Trumbo was growing on his plantation, but it was most definitely coca. He had a plantation a few hundred miles from the nearest town, didn't obey laws and even went as far as shooting at the local police officer when he came near him. Balance this with the fact that his name is fucking Trumbo and there is no way that this guy wasn't manufacturing and distributing cocaine.

I found it strange that MacGyver would help a drug manufacturer. MacGyver is a super perceptive guy so there is no way that he didn't know Trumbo sold drugs. When you look at the fact that MacGyver chose to ignore Trumbo's involvement in drugs and that MacGyver is always making wise cracks, has a lot of self confidence, loves banging the bitches and fears absolutely nothing, it is obvious without a shadow of a doubt that MacGyver is a heavy cocaine user. I'm sure he is coked up 24/7. He has the cash, the means and is constantly flying into Central and South America, so it all makes perfect sense in hindsight. I feel I'm getting closer to finding out just who MacGyver is.

Trumbo asks MacGyver to come back in 12 months time to see his new and improved plantation, so I have a feeling we may be seeing more of Trumbo either later in this season or in season 2. Hopefully MacGyver and him will go on a massive coke binge and get reckless as fuck.

Overall this episode was pretty weak. It was based on the 1938 short story by Carl Stephenson, Leiningen Versus the Ants. 5 episodes in and already they are sourcing stories from elsewhere? I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. It seemed 25% of this episode was made up of stock footage of ants and the rest of dudes getting unrealistically killed by ants. The amount of cocaine destroyed by the flooding of Trumbo's plantation was about equal to that used by the producers who allowed this piece of shit to be made.

MacGyver showed us that ants are deadly but you can fight back with water and home made plastic suits and that it is all right to help drug manufacturers when they are in trouble.

THE END

#105: The Heist (3 November 1985)

I thought that there was no fucking way MacGyver was going to be able to break into this high tech vault and that the mission would have to be aborted. I was wrong. MacGyver was able to crack the vault using a bottle of Merlot and 4 wines glasses in the old fill-glasses-to-different-levels-to-produce-different-tones trick. The fourth tone proved to be the toughest but MacGyver was able to produce the correct tone by drinking an octave of wine from the glass and trying again. This was even more bullshit than the fucking laser thing from earlier.

With the vault open all that was left to do was get the diamonds out of there.


Chris had done her part by getting the gamblers all pissed with the casino. People were fighting, breaking things and generally going ape shit, so when the fuse blew and the machines started going haywire at 2:10 it was fucking pandemonium in there.


Using the drainpipe from before that I'm 100% certain MacGyver left downstairs and hadn't had with him in the last 15 shots, he funnels the diamonds into the back of his car. MacGyver gets all 200 pounds of diamonds into the car, jumps down and gets away. 


I have no idea why Catlin's penthouse is on the second floor of his casino but maybe he doesn't like heights or the elevator is always fucked and he doesn't want to walk up the stairs on a daily basis.

Chris on the other hand isn't so lucky. Catlin must have somehow figured out she was in on the diamond heist, despite never seeing her with MacGyver, and captured her before she could escape.


Catlin calls MacGyver and plans an exchange, the diamonds for the girl. Chris seemed cool and all, but I don't think she's really worth the $60 million. I'm pretty sure her father the senator would agree.


The exchange takes place on a military plane with Catlin dressed for the occasion. He must get his military gear from the same place as General Vasquez, the MacGyver costume department.

What happens next is without doubt the most ridiculous sequence of events ever put together on television.


MacGyver drives the car, filled with diamonds, onto the military plane. Catlin gives MacGyver Chris and checks the diamonds. Catlin's men disappear leaving him alone with Chris and MacGyver who are able to easily overpower him and push him into the planes elevator. Catlin heads to the cockpit and tells the pilot to head to 30000 feet as the lack of oxygen will kill them. MacGyver then straps a parachute to the car and drives it out the back of the plane. The parachute opens and the car drifts safely to the ground with the both of them unharmed.

Seriously, what the fuck? Why did the armed muscle leave an unarmed Catlin alone with MacGyver and Chris? How were they able to overpower him so easily?  How the fuck did they drive a car out of a plane with a parachute and survive?


I don't think there is any plausible explanation this time.


Anyway, the two were obviously relieved that they'd survived. There was a bit of a make out session in the car as it floated down to earth and while gravity would suggest there wasn't enough time for some dicking MacGyver would have certainly given her a quick finger blasting.

I now totally get the Alan Smithee credit. I don't think any director would want to put his name to this episode. MacGyver is known for his ability to get out of extremely difficult situations but the ways in which he does it are usually within the realms of possibility.


Several times during this episode I found myself thinking "what in fuck is that"? Once you take away the believability you take away what is truly great about the show.


MacGyver showed us that you can use wine for more than drinking and that it is possible to finger someone in mid-air.


THE END

No fucking around with recovering a horse or stealing a map this week, it's straight down to business.

I didn't have high hopes for this episode when I discovered that it was "directed" by Alan Smithee. Could it be that a director was unable to exercise full creative control leaving us the viewer with an inferior MacGyver to that of which he or she had originally envisioned? My initial concern quickly dissipated when I found out that guest starring in this episode was one of the finest Australian actors to ever grace the screen, Vernon Wells. Could Wells bring the same dynamic performance to MacGyver as he did to Commando in the role of Bennett? This question was answered in the first scene where he pulled out a gun and shot a guy in the face, a guy that was on his team. What a fucking maniac.

Diamonds worth $60 million have been stolen and are in the possession of Catlin (Vernon Wells) an ex-mercenary soldier of fortune who moved to the Virgin Islands a few years ago with a shitload of cash and his own army. Doesn't impress you? Well in Angola he is known simply as "The Butcher".

MacGyver has been sent to the Virgin Islands by a senator in order to get the diamonds back, which actually belong to a charity raising money to help starving kids in Africa or some shit. The senators daughter is also conveniently located in the Virgin Islands, so MacGyver is to rendezvous with her as she has the intel, get the diamonds and get the fuck out of there. What kind of charity delivers its funds in diamonds? 

It seems that all Macgyver does is retrieve shit. Be it horses, maps, people, a canister of toxic material, a watch or launch codes, his missions don't have a great deal of variety. I guess at least he gets to try and bang a different chick in an exotic location each week. 

In typical MacGyver fashion, he gets a quick look at the senators daughters tits before they get down to business. The senators daughter, Chris, informs MacGyver that Catlin is untouchable in these parts and that there is no way they can bring him to justice and recover the stolen diamonds.

MacGyver has a plan. A plan as brazen as it is stupid. MacGyver's plan is to steal the diamonds back.

When asked exactly how he planned to recover the diamonds, MacGyver said that he likes his plans like he likes his women, loose. He didn't say that that exactly but he did say he likes loose plans and I did a little reading between the lines.

Chris knows the diamonds are in one of the two vaults located in the Casino owned by Catlin. 

The first vault is used to store the winnings of Casino guests, so the only way MacGyver can get in there is by winning and winning big. Just how is MacGyver going to do that? Cheat.

Inside the casino, MacGyver needs a diversion so he can steal some dice.  


Just when you start thinking "dude, all you ever do is create diversions and then recover shit", MacGyver makes you remember that diversions are cool by pulling out his best one yet. Using a paperclip and some string, MacGyver hooks the zipper on the back of a chicks dress and rips it off her.

What a fucking animal.

With every dude in the place trying to check out this chicks tits, MacGyver is able to take the dice, run to the bathroom and file them down with a shoe polisher so that he'll always roll up 7.  

After telling a woman his name is James Bond and winning about 12 games in a row he decides it time to quit. Catlin, also with a penchant for white suits, escorts MacGyver to the vault in order to store his winnings.  

The Vault is extremely small, with no room for the diamonds. Process of elimination leaves only the vault in Catlin's room, exactly what MacGyver didn't want. Just as he is about to leave the casino, his fixed dice are located and MacGyver is fucked.

MacGyver is able to get out of this bind by running away very quickly and knocking over the guys pursuing him with a mobile bar launched at them using gas canisters.

After an extremely awkward hand holding scene back at Chris's house that was probably the catalyst for the Alan Smithee credit, the two formulate the second part of the plan.

Chris is to cause a riot at the casino by tricking the gamblers into thinking the games are rigged which she will do with magnets, while MacGyver breaks into Catlin's room and steals back the diamonds. The riot must be taking place at 2:10 am for the plan to work.  

At the casino, here is how it went down.

MacGyver steals a drain pipe and somehow sneaks this into the casino, he then rigs up a timer to a fuse box that will short out the electricity at exactly 2:10. The security camera outside of Catlin's room is taken care of with a contraption constructed by MacGyver consisting of a mirror tied to a coat hanger.

Once inside Catlin's room, MacGyver uses cigar ash to detect where the security lasers are in a nod to the pilot, before diverting the path of the lasers with a tube in what can only be described as bullshit, allowing him access to the room. 

The vault is something the likes of which MacGyver has surprisingly never seen before. I really though he would be up to date with all the latest vault technology but he must have let his Vault Monthly subscription lapse which is understandable as he is constantly out of the country on missions.

He needs to see the vault in action. If only he could get Catlin in the room to give him a demonstration. He sets off an alarm using Catlin's bird and hides in the wardrobe.  A few minutes later Catlin appears and thankfully for MacGyver opens the vault just to make sure that the bird hadn't stolen the diamonds.

MacGyver discovers that the cutting edge vault is sound activated, opened using a series of tones which Catlin produces using his key ring. It would have been way more awesome if to open the safe Catlin had to play a face melting solo on a Flying V, but he'd have to make sure the guitar was constantly in tune and there is the possibility he'd break a string so this this key ring method is, time wise and in terms of ease of use, much better.