#207: Road Not Taken (10 November 1986)

Pete and MacGyver are flying out of Thailand in a helicopter. The new régime in the neighbouring unnamed country is bad, worse than when they left the states just a short time ago and the orphanage is right in the middle. It isn’t going to be easy for the both of them seeing Deborah or Sister Margaret again. The last time Pete saw her she was running across the Sahara with fifteen kids and a goat. As for Deborah, her and MacGyver have a past. A past that most certainly involves a great deal of serious deep dicking.

A local shows up warning Deborah and Sister Margaret that the ruthless General is on his way to fuck the place up. It may be an orphanage but that won't stop the General from reeking some serious havoc. To combat the impending invasion, Deborah and Sister Margaret take the children and hide them in a well.

MacGyver and Pete land the chopper and rappel down a mountain to the orphanage. Pete being a novice has just question for MacGyver, what do you do if the line breaks? MacGyver's response? You fall. Truer words have never been spoken. No sooner have they reached the base of the mountain when soldiers open fire. They're in for a tough time, that is until MacGyver rigs up a deadly device out of tree branches, then they'll be fine.

Back at the orphanage the General asks the old guy where the American women are. The General believes he will be able to charm them into bed, but little does he know they think he is a dickhead. The old guy responds they have crossed the border. The General shouts "lies" and then shoots the old guy for talking shit. The search for the women commences. 

Deborah believes the well isn't safe to hide in. She is going back above ground to find a way across the border. 

The soldiers are a crack squad of military elite and Pete and MacGyver are only able to avoid them by hiding in some bushes. MacGyver jumps out of the secure hiding place to take down one of the soldiers but it isn't a solider, it's Deborah. MacGyver is in shock and judging from the look in Deborah's eyes, this isn't the first time MacGyver has pinned her to the ground against her will. The only difference this time is she isn't being anally penetrated. 

The episode now enters flashback territory, something that only happens when looking back on MacGyver and his lost loves. This flashback takes the form of a letter: 

MacGyver, by the time you read this I’ll be gone. Please understand that leaving you was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But it was one that had to be made. I'll always remember you and I’ll always love the memory of what we had together. Deborah.

Can love find a way? 

Deborah takes them back to the cave connected to the well. Sister Margaret knows Pete, and knows him well. I'd say before she gave her life to Christ, Pete gave her a good dicking. What are the fucking odds of that shit? MacGyver and Pete on a mission to a foreign country to rescue ex-girlfriends? I'm saying 1/10.

There is only one thing better than a love story, a double love story. Involving nuns. Because then they have to choose between love and cock. The fact that doubt will occur later in the episode is cemented with this exchange: 

You look wonderful.

You’re not looking so bad yourself.

Then this exchange takes place:

MacGyver: Hey sorry about that tackle out there.

Deborah: Second time I’ve fallen for you.

MacGyver: Your hair is longer than it used to be.

Deborah: Yours is shorter.

MacGyver: This is like old times, getting you out of trouble.

There is no way they won't be boning in about 2 scenes. 

MacGyver steals a baseball from a kid and makes some bullshit deal that he'll buy him a new one at some unspecified date in the future. The kid stupidly agrees. He'll never see a baseball from MacGyver. Ever.

MacGyver looks around the cave, collects some cans and grease and manufactures an alarm system, out of some cans and grease. Deborah comments "still doing it, making things out of thin air". They're called MacGyverisms get with the fucking lingo. If anyone enters the cave, MacGyver will know about it. MacGyver also makes a fake bomb out of animal fat for some reason.

It turns out Deborah and Sister Margaret are both on the General's death list. MacGyver had better rescue them, as that doesn't sound like a list anyone wants to be on.

The General locates the secret entrance to the cave setting off MacGyver's alarm. Upon entering the cave, the fake bomb is released slowing the General and his men down for approximately 4 seconds.

This 4 seconds buys them enough time to get to the helicopter and take off. The General fires off a few shots, hitting the pilot in the leg, causing him to lose control of the helicopter. Deborah topples out to the ground and MacGyver jumps out after her. Lucky the copter was only 50 feet above ground and it is possible to fall that far with no consequence. Once on the ground, MacGyver tells Pete to take off and yells out "Bulgaria". Fuck knows why. 

Deborah and MacGyver run off, eluding the soldiers in pursuit. 

I couldn't help but wonder, what did MacGyver mean when he shouted "Bulgaria" to Pete? Did it mean they'd meet up in Bulgaria? It could well be that, but seeing they are currently in South East Asia I would have thought there were several geographically locations much fucking easier to get to. Just when I couldn't take it anymore, MacGyver revealed what Bulgaria means, it's a code him and Pete have for a pick up time. Pete will come back to the place they parted in 8 hours, if they miss that he'll be back 16 hours after that, etc, etc.

The landing at a nearby refugee camp is dicey as shit probably because a few seconds earlier the pilot stated "I have no feeling in my legs and can't work the pedals". This obviously makes flying a helicopter difficult. They are probably lucky they didn't die in a ball of twisted metal. Pete, Sister Margaret and the Pilot quickly come to the realisation that the helicopter is beyond fucked. Pete quips "Sister if you’ve got a direct line upstairs, put in a call". She doesn't have a direct line to god obviously as she refuses isn't able to put in this call that Pete requested.

They run into a a French guy who is running the refugee camp. Pete breaks out some dogshit French impressing nobody, and quite frankly everyone in close proximity felt some vicarious embarrassment. Luckily the pilot is fine but they desperately need someone to fix the helicopter. In a stroke of misfortune, it appears the helicopter repair man has been sent to Bankok.

MacGyver tries to throw the General and his men off the scent by creating fake tracks. The General determines the tracks are fake in less than 10 seconds and the men are on their way. 

Enter radical MacGyver quote number 50 "When it comes down to me versus the situation... I don't like the situation to win". Fuck yeah. When it's MacGyver versus a situation, any situation, even that asshole from that TV show named The Situation, MacGyver will do anything, and I do mean anything, to win. He'd probably kill a child if he had to. He may well have already.

As if to prove he'll do anything, even dogshit that can't work at all, MacGyver rigs up a trap ready to fling rocks into the air once a rope is burned through by the sun, a so called solar fuse. The solar fuse is constructed by simply exposing the rope to the sun. Weak as fucking shit. The rock thrower does its shit. The General comments "this man is quite ingenious". What little he knows. 

After rigging up the solar fuse MacGyver touches Deborah's face, letting her know that he definitely wants to bang her and even though dudes that want them both dead are mere minutes away, he's ready to go right now. 

The two of them are also hiding up a tree, throwing the General off. This does buy them enough time to get back to the meeting point and wait for Pete.

Back at the camp, Sister Margaret decides the best course of action is for them to fix the chopper themselves. Pete is like, what the fuck? How the shit are we going to do that? Apparently outside of her benevolent works, Sister Margaret is also a helicopter mechanic.   

On their way to the meeting point MacGyver decides to ask the serious questions. He wants answers.

MacGyver: We really had something. I want to know why you left?

Deborah: You were going to ask me to get married.

MacGyver: You knew that?

Deborah: Yeah. I wasn't ready to get married. It was bad timing Mac.

MacGyver: I was ready.

Deborah: That was eight years ago.

MacGyver: I still like hockey, you still like pickles dipped in cream cheese

Deborah: I though I'd stopped thinking about you. I was wrong.

Apart from the pickles dipped in cream cheese part, which is clearly reference to some weird sex shit that Deborah is into, the conversation was one of the most heartfelt of the series. MacGyver genuinely wanted to marry her and she left. It would be sad if it wasn't for the fact that MacGyver has banged hundreds of chicks way hotter than her.And done heaps of drugs in far off lands. They share a kiss that would have turned into a finger slaying but the pair are busted by a soldier. Deborah drops the bomb while fleeing "I'm going to be a nun". I'm no expert, but you can't be a nun and bang MacGyver and mere minutes ago you were gagging for his cock. Deborah, you never know where you stand with her. They get shot at, but somehow I think MacGyver was focusing less on the bullets and more about how he needs to dick Deborah before she wastes her life on god.

MacGyver reveals if he wasn't in this unnamed South East Asian country he'd be at the camel races in Morocco. This eases the tension somewhat.

Meanwhile Pete and Sister Margaret are still trying to fix that fucking helicopter. Pete's starting to think perhaps her helicopter repair skills are what she made them out to be. No fucking shit. She's a fucking nun, where the shit is she going to come into contact with helicopters enough to know how to repair them? Fucking nowhere, that's where. Also the engine igniter has gone missing, which probably didn't help their cause.

Just when it looks like MacGyver and Deborah will be able to elude capture forever, they are caught by the General, who poorly chooses to not kill them on the spot but rather hold them captive in the Orphanage. The General is big on metaphor and I believe by locking them in the Orphanage he is commenting about how all Orphans are prisoners in their own minds. Either this or he had nowhere else to put them.

The General presents MacGyver with a piece of wood with a language foreign to him scribed on it. "These are your crimes. It's important to know you aren't being punished without cause". MacGyver responds with a deadpan "Hey, you spelt my name wrong". The General responds with a punch to the stomach. MacGyver clearly doesn't give a fuck that he's been captured. He knows the General and his army are weak as piss and he'll be able to escape. Just to give MacGyver a timeline for the escape the General informs him "it's a shame to waste your humor on me alone. Tomorrow at high noon the entire village can witness your final performance". MacGyver comments "High noon? This guy has seen too many westerns", which is hilarious as previously MacGyver had comments that the General hadn't seen enough westerns.

Having missed the 6pm pickup, the rules of Bulgaria dictate that the next slot for rescue is 10am. This gives Pete and Sister Margaret much needed additional time to repair the helicopter and also allows MacGyver time to escape before his execution. 

MacGyver appears to be thankful they've been locked up, most likely because this gives him plenty of time to work on banging Deborah. She'll be more up for boning in the Orphanage than out in the woods too. 

Deborah: I don't know what to do with my life. Maybe I want kids of my own. And other feelings I thought I'd trained myself not to have.

MacGyver: Don't think. Feel!

Deborah: It wouldn't work for us.

MacGyver: I'd change for you.

So far off to a bad start. Still it's early days and I have a feeling that Orphanage will be seeing more dicking tonight than it's seen for many years. Hopefully.

At some stage during the night MacGyver fake hangs himself. Deborah screams out luring one of the soldiers into the room. Once close enough MacGyver kicks him square in the face. Boom! Take that you stupid fucking soldier.

Deborah then punches the guard to which MacGyver comments "nice hit, the Tigers could have used you this year". I assume MacGyver is referring to the Tamil Tigers who are always after new recruits.

Pete decides to do some investigating after dark and finds the engine igniter in the French guys desk. Pete hides behind some boxes upon hearing the French guy enter the room. He happens to overhear a conversation between the French guy and the General. It appears they are working together. Things are not all as they seem. At the conclusion of the conversation Pete jumps up and punches the French guy right in the face, then ties him up. Luckily he spares him more shit French.

Later that evening Pete says something along the lines of "Margaret, I wish I'd banged you". It wasn't exactly that but the sentiment was the same. Sister Margaret was certainly thinking the same, as unlike Mary, she doesn't get much cock from god.

The next morning the General finds MacGyver and Deborah missing and he is pissed! It turns out they've escaped, or have they? Nope, they've just pulled the old hide-in-a-potato-sack trick. Pete will be heading to the spot where they were first separated for the rescue but MacGyver can't go there are that is where the General is heading. MacGyver gets the message to Pete about his location via a flare he made out of a bamboo pipe and some fertiliser. Pete spots the flare, they make their way to the Orphanage and the rescue is complete.

Now the General is super pissed. Someone is going to get murdered tonight.

Pete reveals the Thai authorities have taken in the French dude. I'm not sure exactly what Thai Prisons are like but I have seen Bangkok Hilton and they don't look fun. No Croissants for you buddy! 

Sister Margaret is now going to look after the Refugee Camp. Fuck knows what will happen to the Orphanage. They'll probably just shut it down. Fuck those kids. MacGyver eases the blow that the kids will have to fend for themselves now by giving one of them a baseball. Shit knows where the fuck he got that from. Probably out of ass and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. 

Deborah decides not to get on the plane with MacGyver. The love match is over for a second time. She did get one last dicking before giving her life to god. She'll always have that memory. And probably AIDs. Fuck knows what MacGyver has.

Pete bids farewell to Sister Margaret in a fashion suggesting they boned in the helicopter. God would probably be pissed if he was real.

The episode ends on an emotional note.

Pete: I'll never meet anyone like her.

MacGyver: I know what you mean.

MacGyver taught us that it is possible to avoid capture with shitty traps, that the unmagnified sun can burn through ropes, that women can't fix helicopters and that all any women really wants, including nuns is some serious deep dicking.

#206: Jack Of Lies (3 November 1986)

MacGyver arrives home to find he’s been robbed. Someone has fucked with the wrong dude. Absolutely everything has been taken except for a copy of Robert Louis Stevenson's Kidnapped. Is the book that dogshit? The burglar made a concerted effort to not take it, so it must be fucking garbage. Then again should I be taking a book critique of a burglar seriously? 

I digress. 

A note in the book details this chilling ultimatum "If you want to see your fridge alive, meet me at hanger 13. Come alone or the fridge fries".

MacGyver believes that his household items have not actually been stolen but rather this is a prank played by old friend Jack Dalton, who clearly has way too much fucking time in his hands.

Jack Dalton, MacGyver and Mike. The original three musketeers. They were the best of friends. Inseparable. They travelled Europe together. They had some of the best times of their lives together. They possibly trafficked drugs together. They certainly had numerous drug fuelled three ways.

MacGyver hadn't seen Jack for 5 years. He described Jack as a man who knew how to have fun, a rogue adventurer, a lier, thief. It's no wonder they are friends.

At the Hanger, MacGyver finds his Hockey stuff outside. He pushes the Hangar door open with a stick, staying dry as the bucket-full-of-water-above-the-door trick misses its mark. Inside the Hangar MacGyver finds all of his stuff and Jack Dalton.

Jack needs a favour from MacGyver. It turns out Jack hired a botanist to help him with a project, probably growing poppies to be refined into smack, who is being held captive by some dudes in Central America. He wants MacGyver to help him get this botanist back. Jack also has his own company, Jack Dalton Fly By Night Air Service. Sounds sketchy as fuck, just as MacGyver likes it. After some feined indifference towards helping Jack, MacGyver agrees, knowing that there is a strong chance he'll be able to score some drugs out of the deal.

MacGyver calls Pete just to check out Jack's kidnapped botanist story which appears to be legit. MacGyver and Jack are heading to Central America to import some drugs into the USA and maybe try and save a botanist, time permitting. MacGyver says to to Pete "you're on a diet" for no apparent reason while Pete is eating hamburgers. Hilarity. Pete really is fat as all fuck, so being on a diet is a good idea. MacGyver just needs to be in the office more to enforce it.

The two board Jack's aircraft and make their way to Central America. While in flight, MacGyver finds some old pictures of him, Jack and Mike hanging out in Europe. It turns out Mike is a girl. I was hoping it was Mike from Mike and The Mechanics so disappointment was my initial reaction. There is no doubt Jack and MacGyver double teamed her multiple times and any doubt that ne may have had is removed with Jack stating "it would be great to get together again, just the three of us". I'm sure it would.

Jack informs MacGyver he hasn’t seen Mike for a while, but his eye starts twitching, indicating he's lying. We know this as one scene ago MacGyver cryptically stated "your eye still twitches when you lie".

Upon arriving in Central America Jack and MacGyver are confronted by the local police who immediately start shooting at them. It turns out the cops are corrupt as shit and are the people who have the botanist. It seems Jack failed to fill MacGyver in on many of the details. The important one.

Jack is a master of accents, pulling a new one out every 30 seconds and it's bound to become irritating as shit by the episodes end.

With the cops gaining on them, MacGyver realises he's going to need to do something to get them off their tail. He flings an air canister out of the plane and it lands directly in front of a jeep, causing it to flip through the air.

With the cops off their back, Jack is able to take off again. It appears Jack owes money to Sonny, an American badass with a penchant for white suits, which on MacGyver means he's involved in drugs. They escape but they need to get back and rescue the botanist. 

Jack lands the plane down near his hideout or summer house, the place he's be hanging out in recent weeks. The cops shot the fuel tank which is now leaking. MacGyver is able to stop the leak with a twig.

Jack's hideout is filled with orchids. We find out that Sonny paid Jack to courier the orchids back to the US. Doing a little digging Jack discovered the orchid pots were filled with heroin. This piques MacGyver's interest in the whole situation. Jack informs MacGyver that he didn't want to take the drugs back to the US as it's wrong to import heroin. I actually think Jack wanted to keep the drugs, things went awry, so he called in MacGyver who he knew would help him out. In  the plot twist of all plot twists it turns out the botanist is Mike! The chick they use to bang. Holy shit!

Jack comments "Drugs, kidnapping, corrupt cops, sounds like a bad TV show". Touché. 

We find Mike chained up in an old Monastery. Sonny is trying to find out from Mike where Jack is and most importantly where the orchids are. Mike doesn't know and the cop comments that perhaps she has outlived her usefulness. Things take a turn for the creepy when Sonny comments "I'm sure she's good for something" and the cop walks over and reaches for her cans. Just as it looks like things are going to get all rapey, Mike spits on the cop and he slaps the shit out of her. "My mother taught me never to strike a lady. I never listen to my mother". What a fucking badass.

Jack has a plan, to find out where Mike is being held and then rescue her. No shit. The plan doesn't really go into the details of how he's actually doing to do this. Jack asks the owner of a local tavern if she knows Mike's location. She doesn't know, then the cops find them and Jack get captured. Fucking garbage execution on the plan.

MacGyver is able to escape by smashing a light globe, causing the other light globes to short out scaring the cops in the process. Oh no the lights are going crazy!

So Jack's plan was bullshit. MacGyver catches up with the same bar chick the next day who informs him that Jack and Mike are probably being held at the old Monastery. It turns out the cops have kicked out the Monks and are using the Monastery to hold prisoners. It also turns out the cops let the Monks back in to hold funerals when a fellow Monk died.

Sonny informs Jack that he has one day to tell him where the heroin is or he's dead. Jack's plan all along was to get captured and then have MacGyver rescue them both. Radical plan because MacGyver is a fucking animal who will break them out.

It looks like MacGyver is going to pull out the old pretending to be dead and hiding in a coffin trick that he loves so much. Perhaps there will be a jetski in the coffin. The cops are wise to this coffin ruse and blast the shit out of it with machine guns. Luckily MacGyver anticipated this would happen and hid under the cart carrying the coffin.

"Now you may bury your dead" laughs the cop.

MacGyver simply runs inside the Monastery while the cops are shooting the coffin which is to want for a better term, weak as fucking shit. Once inside the hard part begins. MacGyver is close to being detected by one of the cops so hides behind some coats. Then he whistles to another cop who comes running and MacGyver simply punches him in the face.

"I never paid much attention to what I wore but I could get used to this attire. Multipurpose clerical wear for every occasion" - MacGyver

After about 30 seconds MacGyver finds them. Mike is extremely excited to see MacGyver either because she is happy to be saved or because she knows she'll be d getting some serious deep dicking later. Probably a little from column A and a little from column B.

They escape and find an old truck only to discover there are no keys. MacGyver hot wires the truck and hot wires Mike's heart. They get away after being shot at by the cops who are, by this stage, obviously inept. The truck breaks down just a short distance, and when I say short distance it is literally 10 feet, from the hideout. Convenient. By now their plane is surrounded by cops. How are they going to get out of this one?

Luckily MacGyver has a plan. He charges a dead battery with some wine. This will be used for some shitty trap later in the episode.

MacGyver wants to bang Mike really badly. Unfortunately the gravity of the situation doesn't allow this so instead he gives her a flower and a kiss on the cheek.   

Jack walks over to the plane and get tells Sonny and the cop where the drugs are. They walk over towards MacGyver and Mike. MacGyver steps on a plank he rigged up earlier, getting the wine battery to start the engine of another shit plane, turning the propeller leading to Sonny getting captured in a bag. I don't know exactly how either.

The cop still has a gun on them, so the plan was pretty shit. Jack convinces the cop to keep them alive. In exchange for their life, jack will fly them both back to the US, sell the heroin and give the proceeds to the cop.

MacGyver and Mike are tied together, but with nobody watching them are able escape rather easily. MacGyver runs off to try and stop Jack flying away. The plane doesn't have enough fuel and will crash after only a few miles. Jack reveals to MacGyver earlier in the episode that he was dying. Has he sacrificed his own life for Mike and MacGyver? Unlikely, he's totally full of shit. I'm sure the plane is fine.

MacGyver and Mike are safe, but still stranded in Central America.

The next scene we see them both back at MacGyver's place rearranging the furniture. There is absolutely no fucking explanation at all about how they made it back to America. Pete had no fucking idea where they were but I guess he just happened to stumble on them and fly them home. MacGyver and Mike obviously want to bang but fucking Pete is there acting like a dick. He's probably looking to replace Pete in their three ways. I don't really think MacGyver or Mike want to see Pete's balls though.

It turns out the Columbian coastguard picked up the cop with the dope, however there no sign of Jack. The cop reported that he jumped out of the plane when he saw both engines smoking. MacGyver then does a shit attempt at impersonating Jack doing a shit Irish accent. This indicates that he believes Jack faked the engine smoke as he had done earlier in the episode and is in fact alive.

Pete will be back. No doubt about it.

Every is happy that Pete is possibly alive. 

MacGyver also clearly got away with a shitload of the drugs.

One thing to note about the episode is that every scene was super dark, it appeared they had no budget for lighting. I guess they spent all the money on drugs.

MacGyver taught us that every police officer in Central America is corrupt as shit, that having loose as fuck friends is the way to go and that having a slutty hot female friend is recommended when travelling Europe.

#205: Final Approach (27 October 1986)

MacGyver is flying a small plane. The electrics have failed and he’s heading directly into the ocean. How will he get out of this? It turns out to be clever editing. It was just a flight simulator all along! Despite this, MacGyver looks like he’s going to vomit on exit. Pete rigged the simulator so it would crash as a joke. That wacky Pete! He mentions that none of what happened in the simulator would ever happen in a real plane, so of course it will later in the episode.

The Phoenix Foundation have set up a program to take at risk gang affiliated kids into the wilderness in an attempt to get them out of the gang and into something less dangerous. I don’t know what exactly as it isn’t explained judging from where the kids were taken I’m guessing they are trying to get them into Park Ranging or Logging. The program isn’t going so well it seems. It’s being run by a social scientist with a doctorate but no street smarts. As MacGyver is street smart as fuck all this appears to be heading towards MacGyver taking over the program and having to get to the kids in a light aircraft exactly the same as the one he crashed in the simulator.

This is exactly what happens. MacGyver wanted in on the program from the start but wasn’t selected. Pete pulled a few strings and was able to get MacGyver in on it after all. I’m assuming the reason MacGyver wanted in is because of the access to drugs the gang kids would have and also because of the hot underage gang snatch.

There is no money in it for MacGyver but Pete does offer him a bonus of his choosing, which MacGyver selects to be a canoeing race through the rapids of Colorado.

The first kid we’re introduced to is Ramón, who is bad to the fucking bone. He just won't stop smoking, even when asked to by the camp leader. What a fucking badass. Luther, also a badass, gets involved and some shit is started right of the bat.

The camp leader breaks up the fight and gets to work serving lunch. It's some army ration type garbage that all the gang dudes hate. MacGyver shows up and instantly wins them over by baking a chocolate cake in a frying pan on some hot rocks rocks. I'm not sure how hot it is where they're camping but based on the success of MacGyver's I'm going to say "hot as fuck". The punk looking chick, Gina, is super impressed and MacGyver will most certainly be giving her a slice of something else later in the episode. Dick.

The old camp leader gets all pissed that the Phoenix foundation has sent help, running off stating "I didn’t need any help".

Day turns to night and Gina turns to MacGyver for comfort.

Gina: You make a nice fire MacGyver.

MacGyver: Thanks

Gina: What’s on your mind?

Mac: Wood.

By that I assume MacGyver has a boner and was searching for a blowjob. Nothing just yet, but it's only a matter of time. 

It turns out Gina was born into the gang just like her sister who is now in prison. This works in MacGyver's favour as she is clearly vulnerable enough to take advantage of.

At this point the episode takes an unexpected twist. I thought it was going to turn into a wacky camping adventure where things started out tough but in the end everyone bonded and became buddies, but instead we cut to a shot of a plane flying out of the woods with a MacGyver voiceover “it was a long two days, it felt like two weeks”.

Ramón is acting all crazy in the back. He keeps jumping around and acting like a general dickhead causing the pilot to shout “sit back in your seat punk”. This isn't enough to deter Ramón who keeps moving around causing the pilot to have a heart attack. MacGyver finds himself in exactly the same position as he was at the start of the episode in the simulator! How unexpected. Luckily the simulator taught him a thing or two and he was able to bring the plane down safely. Everyone survived. Except the pilot. He's dead.

The plane is completely fucked and it looks like Ramón is going to get a severe beating from the others. 

Just when you think they'll have to sleep outside in the cold, MacGyver turns a parasuite into a tent, in one of the weakest MacGyverisms the series has seen thus far. The gang members all seemed impressed, however the acting wasn't strong enough to make me believe it.

MacGyver takes Luther on an adventure to catch some fish, asking him if he's ever had fresh mountain trout with wild mushrooms and pine nuts. Judging from the reaction, Luther hasn't and doesn't seem that stoked, possibly because he knows the type of mushrooms MacGyver is talking about.

After dinner Gina heads over to MacGyver and attempts to give him a handjob. MacGyver acts coy and turns her down. This I feel is an act as the other gang members were watching and MacGyver doesn't want any witnesses as he's clearly going to bang her and she's clearly underage. Once the mushrooms kick in and all the gang members are fucked out of their minds Gina is going to be getting exactly what she wants, providing that is some deep dicking.

Gina does reveal to MacGyver that she's sick and tired of being used, implying she's banged every dude there, something that MacGyver would totally be into. Gina also reveals that the reason there is so much tension in the group is because Ramón killed Luthers brother. That explains a lot. No wonder Luther wants to beat the living piss out of him.

In other news, all of them are fucking dead shits. 

The next morning, apart from the obvious that Gina had been fucked by MacGyver, the gang awake to the sounds of a rattlesnake in their makeshift tent. MacGyver is able to lure it out of the tent with a piece of hot coal, as the snake was cold and just needed some heat. Once out of sight MacGyver would have killed the snake as he's a ruthless motherfucker. 

Tommy is tired of being treated like a dickhead so he does a runner from the group. Unfortunately its dangerous out there and he is a dickhead so he’s probably going to die. MacGyver finds Tommy in about 10 minutes indicating he only left camp 5 minutes before day break. Sorry dude, but if you're going to flee camp do it in the middle of the night so you don't get found and look like a dick. He end up falling off a cliff and is confronted by stock footage of a mountain lion. Macgyver sprays the mountain lion with water and it runs off. They then use the sound effect from Thundercats to show how angry the mountain lion was. Weak as fucking piss.

MacGyver gets back to camp to find Luther and Ramón gone. Luther is most certainly going to kill Ramón. The heat is on MacGyver to find them before its too late. Predictably MacGyver gets there just in time and talks Luther out of it. Ramón indicates that he didn't kill Luthers brother to which Luther replies "you don't want to be jiving me sucker" showing that Mr. T is clearly a role model.

Ramón is struggling, it appears he suffered some internal injuries in the plane crash but hid them from the rest of the group until now. He's really in a bad way so MacGyver gets him back to camp, gets him into bed and starts undressing him for reasons that I'm not 100% convinced relate to his injury. The combined effects of the magic mushrooms MacGyver slipped into his dinner the night before and the shock he's in due to the injuries means MacGyver could pretty much do anything he wanted at this juncture. The scene cuts away to Gina and Tommy announcing they are now friends again, so I guess we'll never know what happened in that tent.

MacGyver believed Ramón has a punctures spleen. He needs to get the plane working again and get him to a hospital, however it's completely fucked. The tire is damaged beyond repair. They all need to work together, but Luther is too much of a badass to help out. Fair enough too, Ramón allegedly killed his brother.

MacGyver makes a theodolite out of some sticks and an earring and gets to work marking out a runway as flat as possible. During the whole runway digging process MacGyver tells Luther some shitty story about how he beat the shit out of some dude he believed took his pocket knife when he in fact didn't. I think it was meant to relate to the current situation somehow. Still Luther looks pissed at Ramón.

It turns out Luthers brother was killed by a junkie, Ramón just lied about it to get some street cred and become the head of his gang. Luther the fucking drama queen doesn't buy it and storms off like a pussy.

Back at Phoenix foundation headquarters, Pete orders a helicopter to be sent out to find them as their estimated arrival time has come and gone. Let's hope that helicopter can find them in time.

Tommy digs a ditch and Gina fills it with mud, this is how they are going to get out there, slide the plane along the mud and then fly home. It's a flawed plan to say the least but it's all they have. It also becomes apparent MacGyver and Tommy are going to double team Gina later.

Luther decides to lend a hand after all. Maybe they can all be friends.

The 300 foot long mud pit is complete. MacGyver replaces the tire with a log. They slide the plane to the speeds required to take off, which apparently is 8 miles an hour, and fly to safety. Luther is the most excited and his overacting is appreciated to add some life to what was a kind of shitty scene.

They get Ramón to a hospital and he doesn't die. The helicopter finds the others and gets them to safety. Everyone reunites at the airfield where MacGyver states "I guess you could say they found something worth going for" resulting in laughter from everyone despite the fact it makes zero sense

and is lame as shit.

The episode was one of the longer ones despite the fact that fuck all happened and it was boring as shit.

MacGyver taught us that you can cook a chocolate cake in a frying pan on some hot rocks, that the take off speed of a light aircraft is 8 mph and gang chicks are slutty as fuck.