#116: Every Time She Smiles (19 February 1986)

MacGyver finds himself back in Europe, but this time he's managed to avoid fucking East Germany and is keeping it real in sunny Bulgaria, on a mission to retrieve microfilm containing important secret Swiss bank account information. He has an injured hand after skiing in the Swiss Alps without a parachute. MacGyver is extreme as fuck.

His rendezvous is with an old dude playing chess in the local park. After giving the password, the old dude allows MacGyver to take his Knight which contains the microfilm. After several awkward chess puns, MacGyver gets out of there with the information he came for.

MacGyver has had enough of high speed chases across borders and decides the best way to get home from this mission is on a commercial flight. Teri Hatcher makes an appearance as the loveable, read thick as shit, actress, dancer, model, Penny Parker. Her name is easy to remember, she informs MacGyver, as it has two P's. This sets the standard for the rest of her dialogue for the remainder of episode.

She is admittedly looking hot as shit and MacGyver will undoubtedly be trying to convince her to join the mile high club once on board.

Just when I though MacGyver's trip back to the United States would be problem free, security storms into the airport, leading Penny to secretly place a bag of jewels in his pocket.

Penny talks to the head of the police force, Stephan, her old boyfriend. He asks for the jewels back to which Penny replies that she doesn't have them on her and wants to keep them. At this precise moment MacGyver makes his way through the airport metal detector, setting it off. Stephan races over, searches MacGyver and finds the bag of jewels. These are confiscated along with his passport and the microfilm.

MacGyver had racked up a few lines before making his way to the airport and as such thought that the best course of action in this situation was to punch one of the heavily armed airport security guards in the face and make a run for it.

MacGyver can do a lot of things, but one of them isn't reading Cyrillic, which results in him misreading a sign and entering the women's bathroom to hide by mistake. This error is his undoing and he is quickly captured by security.

Stephan believes that MacGyver and Penny must be working together, so they are handcuffed to each other and placed in a room for questioning. MacGyver is pretty pissed at Penny for fucking up what would have been an easy escape from Bulgaria. The fact that she talks shit constantly doesn't help the situation.

MacGyver is uncomfortable with what may happen to them, so decides that escape is the best course of action. MacGyver's rather sophisticated escape plan on this occasion is to smash the shit of the wall with a coat rack. This gets them out of the interrogation room and onto the luggage conveyor belt. 

The two of them make their way into the luggage collection lounge hand cuffed together. The Bulgarians have never seen such a thing. They are in shock. MacGyver quips "economy class" and everyone laughs and the mood is instantly relaxed. Well this is what would have happened if they spoke English and knew what the fuck MacGyver was talking about. Instead they just have that general angry demeanour residences of the Eastern Bloc are famous for. Probably because they can't buy things like Fanta and KFC.

Back at Stephan's office we are introduced to his Uncle. This guy is bad as shit. He has siphoned off a substantial amount of cash over the years from the Bulgarian government into his Swiss bank accounts, the account numbers of which are on the microfilm. If details of the accounts are discovered, he is royally fucked. 

The jewels Stephan gave to Penny were also stolen by the Uncle and actually belong to the Bulgarian Royal Family. Stephan really fucked up on that one, but at least he has all the jewels back, well all of them except for a ring Penny kept.

The Uncle needs that microfilm back. Little do they know it is already in their possession. Stephen took possession of it when he confiscated MacGyver's shit. What a small world! Or at least a convenient one for the purposes of this episode.

MacGyver heads back to the park to find the old chess dude. He signals them into a shed where MacGyver removes the handcuffs from Penny and himself using an earring. The old dude reveals that Stephan's Uncle is after the microfilm so MacGyver will need to recover it from Stephan before he finds out he actually has it.

At this moment, Stephan shows up. A chase is on in the park, unfortunately the old dude is slow as shit and gets caught in about 2 seconds. MacGyver and Penny decide the best means of escape is the parks merry-go-round which he was shitting on about in his opening monologue. MacGyver cranks the merry-go-round up to ludicrous speed, all of the guys in pursuit jump on, then MacGyver stops it suddenly, sending them flying off in comical fashion. This gives them enough time to escape.

MacGyver and Penny go out to dinner, MacGyver believing that hiding in plain sight is the way forward. He had to explain it to Penny a few times, reconfirming to the audience that Penny is meant to be a dumb as shit yet has a heart of gold.


MacGyver indicates to Penny that he believes the microfilm is in Stephen's apartment and that after dinner that is where he'll be headed to get it back. This is followed by some flirting in which MacGyver tells Penny she has all the makings of a great woman, hot and thick as shit. Penny is impressed by this and the two share a kiss. MacGyver would have finger slayed her under the table but his fingering hand is out of action due to the accident in the Swiss Alps.

We find the Uncle torturing the chess dude with some water boarding, many years before it was fashionable. He threatens to kill his sister and break his football loving Nephews legs if he doesn't give up who has the microfilm. He reveals MacGyver has it, who they were after anyway, so it rolls two missions into one. This is handy for the department, as their budget is stretched to the absolute limit with all of the money being siphoned off by the Uncle. They just don't have the finances to employ enough manpower.


This also leads them to believe that Penny must be a secret agent. They are fucking way off the mark with that one. The Uncle wants MacGyver shot.


MacGyver breaks into Stephan's apartment by scaling the exterior wall three floors with a broken hand. If he can do that he could have definitely fingered Penny under the table. Once inside he locates the microfilm relatively quickly. Just as he's about the leave Penny shows up, revealing some important information, there was a nice dress at a shop located near the restaurant. MacGyver is pissed as he'd been all stealth getting into Stephan's apartment and then Penny ruined their cover by walking in the fucking front door.


It's Grand fucking Station round at the apartment with Stephen showing up just as they're about to leave. Penny hasn't quite grasped the "hiding in plain site" concept yet and decides to hide on Stephen's couch. MacGyver hits the kitchen. Luckily Stephan is happy to see Penny so they chat while MacGyver mixes up some concoction in the kitchen. He throws together pest control pellets, soap flakes and tile cleaner in a pot. Then he turns on the gas and creates a time delay fuse with lard, newspaper and oven cleaner.


At this juncture MacGyver reveals himself and Stephen pulls a gun on the both of them. Is this the end for MacGyver?

Macgyver's concoction has started smoking like a motherfucker.


Stephen: what have you done?
MacGyver: burnt the roast.


Hilarious. Stephen makes his way to the kitchen to see if MacGyver really is cooking a roast. As soon as he has his back to MacGyver, MacGyver beats the shit out of him. The old smoke out the kitchen to avoid being shot ruse has worked yet again.


MacGyver's explosive device goes off, setting off the buildings fire alarm. MacGyver asks Penny to change into a robe so they'll blend in with the rest of the residents. She goes for lingerie, which works for Macgyver.

The disguise works, they find Stephen's car and get out of there. Destination: the fucking border. Classic MacGyver.


A few hours into their journey MacGyver is forced to stop for gas. He knows that each and every gas station will be guarded by now so he has to be more creative. Luckily Penny knows a place in the area where they will be able to get gas, the Uncles country villa. 


They end up staying the night for fuck knows what reason and as a result end up being found by Stephan the next morning. He found them by determining how far they'd be able to get with the amount of fuel in the tank. Great detective work.


The Uncle shows up too, and while Stephen is weak as piss, the Uncle is ruthless as fuck, so things are not looking good for MacGyver.

MacGyver hands over the microfilm and the Uncle asks Stephen to shoot him. Stephen isn't a killer. He turns against the Uncle, knocks the gun out of his hand and then MacGyver punches him in the face. The enemy has now become a friend in a very convenient twist. Stephen is trying in win Penny back, so punching out his own Uncle who will probably order his execution once he regains consciousness is certainly the way to do this.


The newly found team of three get back in the car and make their way towards Greece. The police show up at the Uncles house, who is now conscious and they head off together to stop MacGyver, Stephen and Penny.


MacGyver, not content to just sit in the car and ride it out to Greece, decides to jump out onto the bonnet of the car, just like he did in East Germany last week. He just loves the thrill of insane stunts, but is well practised as the same shit seems to happen to him every fucking episode.


He jumps onto the fuel truck in front of them and proceeds to mix the diesel exhaust hydrocarbons with water to make the road slippery. People at home have obviously been questioning some of the bullshit he's pulled off in recent weeks, so this stunt took place in combination with a voiceover stating "this hydrocarbon and water thing I've explained is a fact". Ok MacGyver, we believe you. You don't have to get all pissed off and condescending.

So the road gets really slippery making the police car chasing them spins out of control and explode.

They get out of the car and make their way to a fence signifying the border. MacGyver comments "just under this fence we should be in Greece". The fence really isn't the best way of keeping out undesirables. For one it was only 3 feet high and isn't even barbed wire. 


Knowing that the border fence is weak as shit, Greece employ a border security team to patrol the area. Just as the three of them make their way into Greece one of these patrol teams show up. He asks them for their passports which they don't have. It looks like the security guy is going to have to force them back across the border into Bulgaria where they'll be caught and killed by the Uncle. 


Luckily Penny knows the Greek border control guy who lets them into the country without a passport so everything works out fine. No explanation is made as to how the two know each other but I assume it is because Penny is so loveable that she knows everyone! Even people in places she's never fucking been before.

Stephen turns to MacGyver and says "every time she smiles", which really makes no sense in the context of what is happening but is a shitty reference to the episode title. Great dialogue, great story telling, great episode. Actually it was one of the shittiest yet, but Teri Hatcher did almost save it. They probably needed to extend that lingerie scene by about 35 minutes.

We learned that Bulgaria is corrupt as fuck, you can't finger blast someone under a table with a broken hand and that it is possible to embark on international travel without a passport as long as you have a hot chick with you.

#115: The Enemy Within (12 February 1986)

When you think about, I take on a lot of jobs nobody else would want. The question is why do I want them? I find myself asking these questions more and more and rationalising answers with stuff like flexible hours, nice scenery, all expenses paid vacations in colourful eastern European luxury resorts. But at the end of the day I like it. I like getting into situations that make the old adrenaline pump. And I get to meet some interesting people who have made some interesting career choices themselves


- MacGyver, East Germany 1986




The episode begins with words from the very introspective MacGyver. Once again he finds himself in East Germany. Once again right near the border. In his line of work you need to operate close to the border so you can get what you want and then get the fuck out of there.


MacGyver had is easy back then. He would find it much more difficult to pull off the shit he did back then with the introduction of the Schengen Agreement.

Under Article 41 of the Schengen Convention, police from one Schengen state may cross national borders to chase their target, if it is not possible to notify the police of the second state before entry into that territory, or if the authorities of the second state are unable to reach the scene in time to take over the pursuit.

To be honest it probably wouldn't make much difference if MacGyver was operating today, he'd just have to evade capture until he reached the Ukraine. 

Anyway enough "learning".

MacGyver meets up with a dude wearing what is most definitely traditional East German attire, surprisingly similar to what non-Germans wear to Oktoberfest each year. 

The dude passes MacGyver some sensitive information contained within a bullet cartridge. Just as he is about to make his escape to the border some 12km away, he is apprehended by East German police. MacGyver decided to speak in crazy nonsensical German as a way to try and convince them he is actually German and not involved in some sort of illegal exchange. This isn't the behaviour of a sane man. He is most certainly still on drugs.

MacGyver steps it up a notch by throwing a chicken at the police to act as his distraction. It surprisingly worked. The police were so busy thinking "what the fuck, that guy just threw a chicken at us", that he bought himself enough time to get away.

Running 12km to the border while being pursued by the police was never going to be easy. Just as it looks like he's about to get caught, his old pal Banister shows up in a cop car and they get out of there fast.

MacGyver asks what the fuck Banister is doing there. Banister responds that the new Director of Operations sent him in for backup.

The police were able to fire off a few rounds, one of which struck the engine, damaging the line responsible for the break fluid. Banister informs MacGyver that the breaks are fucked. By this stage they are making their way down a hill at 140km/h.

What the fuck are they going to do? MacGyver's plan is to top up the break fluid while the car is in motion which will reactivate the breaks. MacGyver makes his way out of the car to the engine and performs basic car maintenance while travelling at over 150km/h. This is nothing for MacGyver. There is a rumour circulating that he replaced a transmission while doing 200km/h just for fun. He is a fucking maniac.

The brakes luckily re-engage just over the border. The two of them have successfully escaped and the East Germans are pissed!

MacGyver asks Banister how his wife is, to which Banister replies "fine, just fine". Judging from the way MacGyver asked this question I'm pretty sure he's fucked Banisters wife at some stage in the past.

This ends the East Germany adventure. The two make their way make to Los Angeles so MacGyver can pass over the intel he received and meet the new Director of Operations.

It turns out while in East Germany MacGyver had enough time to swing by and visit the sister of the security guard at the building where he works. The guard hadn't seen his sister for years so MacGyver thought that he'd call in, get a letter and a few pictures. Obviously International calls to East Germany were expensive as shit back then and the guard couldn't afford to call his sister, or he was lazy as fuck. Who knows which? Anyway the guard was pretty excited that MacGyver was able to get a letter and photo to him from his sister. That's just the kind of guy he is. A humanitarian. He also would have fucked the sister.

MacGyver visits Banister who is making out with his wife, Ingrid. MacGyver hadn't met Ingrid before so I was wrong about him boning her, but he certainly wants to.

MacGyver makes his way to the new directors office and discovers that the new director is none other than Pete Thornton. I already though he was the director. Fuck knows what he did before. Pete informs MacGyver that they've lost 4 agents in the last 7 weeks, good ones. Pete believes that the enemy knows all of their moves before they make them and that there must be a mole in the organisation. He wants MacGyver to help find that mole.

MacGyver is unstoked on this new mission. He has just found a new beach-front property and is in the process of moving. He just wants to get into his new place and relax for a while. He is trying to get away from Venice Beach, the drugs, not so much the women, and start a new life.

He turns down the mission and heads home.

Not one to take no for an answer, Pete heads to MacGyver's house to try and convince him to help on the mission. Pete has a Russian defector who can identify other Russian undercover agents. Pete believes that by using her as bait they can uncover the mole. MacGyver still isn't sure. He thinks it is too dangerous to use someone as bait, as they could easily be discovered and killed. 

The Russian defector had apparently been waiting in the car and decided to make her way upstairs and try and convince MacGyver to take the mission by saying that John Wayne wouldn't be scared. This didn't work. What did work was the protection of the Russian defector, as she obviously survives this ordeal and goes into permanent hiding as one of the Golden Girls.

Pete asks MacGyver to do him a favour and attend the reception for an International Peace Through Science event the following night. MacGyver says he doesn't like parties, well parties where he can't do coke off teenage girls tits and then fuck them, but he'll attend. Pete is excited that MacGyver has agreed.

The Peace Through Science night has a Champaign dispensing robot, truly showing that science can help contribute to world peace through innovative beverage distribution.

It is well known that MacGyver doesn't like Black Tie events. Banister even jokes that Pete must have used drugs or torture to get MacGyver there, a subtle indicator that those working for the organisation know about MacGyver's drug use.

While Banister gives MacGyver a hard time, his wife tells MacGyver that she thinks he looks beautiful. I'm not sure if Banister will be into it but the wife is certainly up for a three way later.

Pete shows up with Victoria, the Russian defector. She informs Pete that there are plenty of Russians there, including a man who kills people. This is a man they need to keep their eye on.

The director used this juncture to include a shot containing people wearing the tradition wears of every minority on the planet just to show how important the Peace Through Science event is to the world as a whole. This night really can help break down the walls of ignorance and hatred and bring about peace, through science, to the planet. 

Actually they are missing heaps of Asians.

It is that time of the evening for speeches and the introduction is given by a Priest, which seems fitting at a Peace Through Science event. The Russian killer is up to something. He turns on a device that makes the Priest start acting a little weirdly before going absolutely ape shit. He pulls out a gun and starts firing it into the crowd.

The crowd don't know what the fuck is going on. MacGyver thinks quickly and runs over to a high tech cleaning device using sound waves and points it towards the Priest. This shatters his glasses, probably blinding him in the process, and stops the shooting.

The device must have been used to brainwash the Priest into shooting at the crowd. Realising that the mission had failed, the Russian killer then sets off another device, this time making the Priest have a heart attack. MacGyver tries to resuscitate him, but all to no avail. The Priest is dead.

MacGyver isn't so sure that it was a heart attack. He is convinced of foul play. The next day MacGyver makes his way to the hospital to observe the autopsy. The guy performing the autopsy is wacky as fuck. At one point he eats an egg role with the same tongs he'd just picked up part of the dead body with. What a character! I'm not exactly sure if an eccentric coroner is what the profession needs.

The coroner takes a sample from the Priests blocked artery and gives it to MacGyver who is too impatient to wait until tomorrow for the results so is going to conduct an autopsy at home with a chemistry set purchased at Target.

The Priest was clearly trying to shoot Victoria, so Pete has placed her in a safe house. Let's hope that it isn't booby trapped as fuck like the last "safe house" Pete sent someone to.

Victoria doesn't feel protected in the safe house, she probably heard about the type of safe houses Pete works with, so decides to pay MacGyver a visit.

The following conversation took place.

Victoria: The Chinese say if someone saves your life you're indebted to them forever.

MacGyver: They also call their beautiful children ugly for fear the gods will punish them for the sin of pride.

Victoria: That is true.

MacGyver: If we were in China now, I'd be obligated to call you the ugliest woman in the world.

Holy shit! MacGyver was really turning it on there. Somehow Victoria was immune to his charms, but I feel he is wearing her down. He'll definitely be dicking her by the end of the episode.

MacGyver's home autopsy has proven that the Priest was murdered. He was injected with a chemical that makes its way through the blood stream. When an electromagnet is passed through the body the reaction causes the chemical to turn into nylon, blocking arteries and leading to a heart attack. Sounds like bullshit to me. I do love a nylon themed murder however.

It looks like this case is clear cut, the Russian Killer is brainwashing people to do his dirty work and if they fail they are killed with the old nylon heart attack. The only missing piece of the puzzle, who is the mole?

Past MacGyver episodes would point towards Banister. Here comes the twist, it is Banister, but only because he's been brainwashed by his wife Ingrid who was working with the Russian killer.

I'm not exactly sure of her brainwashing techniques but it most likely involves her cans. She does turn on a device that gets Banister to tell her everything. Unfortunately the device doesn't turn on her acting ability. Banister tells Ingrid that MacGyver knows the Priest was murdered by the Russian killer. Fuck knows how he has this information. Maybe he was taking a shit at MacGyver's house in the previous scene and heard MacGyver pass the information on to Victoria. Ingrid then brainwashes Banister into believing that MacGyver and Victoria are the moles and that they need to be killed. Banister agrees to kill them.

MacGyver has headed back to the scene of the murder to watch some surveillance tapes. He hopes Victoria may be able to identify someone other that the Russian killer, who could be the mole.

MacGyver rigs up some bullshit hypnotising device out of an ashtray and a mirror in the hope of getting answers out of Victoria. He turns on the machine. Victoria asks MacGyver to kiss her. I think MacGyver's "let's find out who the mole is" routine was just a ruse for him to get his hypnotising device cranking, brainwashing Victoria into wanting to kiss him. Now that he knows the device is working, a blowjob is only minutes away. 

MacGyver decides he and Victoria should take time out from kissing to figure out who just is the mole. He starts off with some word association using his shitty home made hypnotising spiral.

This is how it went down.

Moscow - Cold

Thornton - Escape

America - Freedom, Noise

MacGyver - (No response but the look said "sex animal")

Lem (Russian killer) - Death, killer

Banister - Worried

Ingrid - Wrong

Victoria went on the say that there was something wrong with Ingrid. It was the name. Victoria knew her as someone else. She took a quick look at MacGyver's spiral. The power of hypnotism, or possibly bullshit, compelled her to speak out about Ingrid. 

"She is a Russian spy, sent to America to act like an American girl. She is lethal". 

So the decade long plan was to send Ingrid to America to marry Banister. Makes sense.

Just as this revelation takes place, Ingrid, Banister and the Russian killer walk in. Ingrid explains the plot to those dead shit viewers who were unable to piece to together from what Victoria said fucking 5 seconds earlier.

She also adds that Banister is to kill MacGyver and tell Pete he was the mole. Pete will be so cut up that he'll resign leaving the door open for Banister. Shit plan. Let's just leave it at that.

Without a chicken to throw at Banister, who at this point has a gun pointed at MacGyver, the only way out of this one is to push a TV on wheels towards him.

This successfully knocks Banister down. MacGyver runs over and punches the Russian killer in the face with brute force. That motherfucker isn't getting up again.

MacGyver pleads with him, "you know it's not me, you know it's Ingrid".

Ingrid informs MacGyver that he was programmed every day for 4 weeks on their honeymoon. There is no way he'll turn back now.

He turns back. Ingrid stops this by bringing on a heart attack with the device the Russian killer used earlier in the episode on the Priest. The device isn't on for long as Victoria belts the living shit out of her with a device of her own.

With the Russian killer and Ingrid unconscious and Banister dead from a heart attack, MacGyver could have stopped right there and banged Victoria. He's into shit like that. Instead he though he should try and resuscitate Banister so he makes a resuscitation device out of two candlesticks, a microphone cable and a door mat. 

This successfully brings Banister back to life. To be honest I think MacGyver would have preferred that he died. For one, Banister tried to kill him 5 minutes ago. Secondly, now he'll have to wait for an ambulance and shit like that before he can bang Victoria. Overall, saving his life was probably a mistake.

Victoria was actually extremely impressed that MacGyver saved Banister and even quipped "John Wayne couldn't have done that".

If Victoria is anything like other Russian chicks, that level of impression should guarantee MacGyver anal later in the evening.

MacGyver taught us not to trust anybody's wife, that you can perform car maintenance at high speed and that it is possible to perform an accurate autopsy, resuscitate someone after a heart attack and hypnotise people with shit you can get from Kmart.