#204: The Wish Child (20 October 1986)

The title implies that MacGyver may well be going down the fantasy route, taking a journey to some far off mythical land to track down a child who has the ability to grant wishes. It turns out this mythical land is Los Angeles China Town and the wishes MacGyver probably wants granted would undoubtedly lead him to wind up in prison.

The episode begins with a beach sequence features chicks in bikinis that bears absolutely no relevance to the rest of the episode. The most logical explanation is that this scene is a montage of chicks MacGyver has previously banged or will attempt to bang at a later date in the series. It's tit city and MacGyver's the mayor.

After this somewhat unusual if not welcome introduction featuring a shitty voiceover from MacGyver talking about how much he loves the beach, read vagina, the action cuts to his apartment where he's getting the shit kicked out of him by a chick wearing a mask. After several blows to the face and one a little to close to the balls the battle is over.

Chick: Too much stress?

MacGyver: It's the mask.

Chick: It's just to make you forget I'm a woman.

MacGyver: Not a chance. A mask won't do, a tent maybe. 

The reason MacGyver had the piss beaten out of him was certainly because he spent the vast majority of the fight checking out her cans. It was implied he's given her some serious deep dicking before the battle, so while he may not have scored many blows during the fight I have a feeling she may still have a sore ass. That's the way MacGyver rolls.

MacGyver's instructor, Lisa, receives a call from a dude who wants to meet up to discuss financing her dojo. She needs to fly down to San Francisco immediately to have the meeting. Lisa asks MacGyver if he can head down to China Town and pick her brother up from a party, however she warns MacGyver that he's changed a great deal since their last meeting. This is due to the new crew he's hanging out with.

Now Lisa and her brother are Chinese yet she is a karate expert and wants to open a karate dojo. That's fine because Karate is totally from China. Even if it say, wasn't, it doesn't matter as all Asian countries are the same and the cultures are interchangeable. 

Lisa is played by hot as shit Tia Carrere, so I can't really blame MacGyver for wanting to bone the shit out of her. I think it was this brief yet powerful role as Lisa that lead her to be cast in Wayne's World.

MacGyver heads down to China Town to collect Paul only to run into some badass dudes who won't let him into the building.

Paul is the wish child? No fucking shit. I didn't see that coming from the second Lisa asked MacGyver to pick up her brother.

Some old dudes inside the building talk about how they spotted Paul a month ago yet despite this short period of knowing him, they believe he is the wish child. The legend is some 1200 years old and that is all that is revealed at this point in time. I also assume he grants wishes.

One of the guys discussing the wish child is that Asian dude from Star Trek. I assume back then there weren't that many Asian actors so he pretty much had to do MacGyver when the episode called for Asians. He's Japanese playing a Chinese dude, but that doesn't matter. Tom Cruise played a Japanese dude in the Last Samurai so it's all legit.

Obviously there are a series of tests that one must go through to prove that they are indeed the wish child. The first test involved a rock. The wish child crushed the shit out of the rock revealing a Chinese symbol inside. This is enough for the dudes there to believe he is indeed the wish child. Crushing a stone is pretty impressive. I was convinced that this kid is 100% the wish child.

So while everything inside the building is going super well, outside MacGyver is unable to get past the badass security guy. MacGyver is a one trick fucking pony, so there is absolutely no way he'll use something other than a weak as piss distraction to get past security and into the building. I knew he's do something weak as piss but this took shit to a whole new level of totally fucking lame. MacGyver walked across the street, purchased a no doubt make in China and cheap as shit remote control car, put a mask on it he found in the garbage and drove it past the security guard. The guard was so impressed by this mask that appeared to be moving completely by itself, that he left his post allowing MacGyver to simply walk through the front door. Total balls.

MacGyver walks through the door to find Paul dressed up like an asshole and a bunch of old dudes looking on so he gets the jokes flowing straight off the bat with "teenage party, whatever happened to spin the bottle"? Why would a teenage boy want to play spin the bottle with a bunch of creepy old dudes? Also I'm not sure if the spin the bottle MacGyver used to play was the spin the bottle regular teenagers played. MacGyver's would have involved the bottle being inserted into someone’s asshole.

Security soon tracks MacGyver down and beat the shit out of him. It seems the lessons he was getting from Lisa have done him no fucking good at all. It could have been a subtle dig at karate, suggesting that Chinese martial arts were way better than Japanese ones. MacGyver, always controversial.

MacGyver wakes up in a box filled with fireworks about to be loaded onto a ship called the Auckland Trader, bound for New Zealand, for undoubtedly not the first time in his life. Keeping the party themed jokes flying MacGyver quips "looks like I ran into some real party animals". Using the fireworks, MacGyver blows the door off the box and is lowered to safety.

Once on the ground MacGyver jokes to the dock workers who helped him down that he's changed his mind and there is no way he's taking that cruise. There was very little response from the workers. Tough crowd or just shit material? A little from column A, a little from column B.

MacGyver now knows that he has to find Paul, who he believes is in real trouble.

On another vessel, conveniently in the same harbour, the Star Trek dude meets up with his business partner, Mr. Lee, a creepy old fucker whose been searching for the wish child for some 40 years. I hope he doesn't end up finding the wish child as there is no way this guy isn't on a sex offender’s register. After passing on the story about the stone crushing, Mr. Lee is certain Paul is the wish child.

MacGyver has to find him and fast or that kid is going to get fucked by an old creepy dude and that is meant literally. Just in case you want to give the old guy the benefit of the doubt regarding his creepiness he stares longingly at a statute of the wish child he probably made himself on a clay wheel reminiscent of that scene from ghost and whispered "our lives will soon be joined". Yikes!

MacGyver doesn’t have much of a lead, so he goes back to where the party was looking for clues. The only clue he finds is the wish child symbol impressed into the floor, but MacGyver can't read Chinese. He ponders "how do you move a floor" before simply removing the relevant board from the floor and taking it with him.

MacGyver runs into one of his sketchy old friends in China Town, who seems to be selling bullshit to tourists. MacGyver knows the guy rather well and he is Asian, so I assume he used to sell MacGyver Heroin back in the days when he was on the smack. The sketchy dude, Sam, informs MacGyver that what he's holding in his hand is indeed the symbol of the wish child. Sam starts trying to sell MacGyver wish child memorabilia. He doesn't want that shit dude. Just give him the fucking info he needs and leave him the fuck alone.

Finally Sam reveals the true secret of the wish child. If you can link your soul to his you'll have immortality. Sam didn't go on to detail exactly how you link souls with the wish child, but I'm pretty sure I know how Mr. Lee will be attempting it, through deep dicking.

Sam also reveals that it's a dude named Stone who's trying to sell the wish child to Mr. Lee. Sam reveals that Stone is a badass and will play the wish child hustle as long as he can but once the hustle is over, so is the kid. MacGyver receives some shitty wish child postcard from Sam before racing over to Stone's restaurant to try and stop this pedophile vibe wish child sale.

At Stone's restaurant it is revealed Paul isn't the wish child they're just trying to scam Mr. Lee out of some cash. The rock Paul crushed to reveal the wish child symbol was swapped!

Stone has a private conversation with the badass security guard who was earlier distracted by the moving mask and reveals that Mr. Lee is interested in buying Paul and once they have the cash the kid is dead. During this conversation MacGyver shows up and takes Paul. He tries to explain just how dangerous the situation is but Paul just isn't listening. If MacGyver had have mentioned that Paul was to be sold into the life of a sex slave for a creepy old Chinese dude, he may have been more receptive.

It doesn't take long for Stone to realise that Paul is gone and that kid is worth $1 million to creepers on the black market, so he wants him back and fast. Stone obviously has move important shit to do so he send the security guy and his bevy of bitches in what is one of the loosest crews going around.

Paul believes he may well be the wish child because he didn’t die in the car crash all those years ago that killed his parents. What the fuck is wrong with you kid? It’s a legend, it isn’t real. He either truthfully believes this or he's just fucked out of his brain on drugs either Stone or MacGyver slipped him.

MacGyver and Paul find themselves at a dead end with some poorly dressed chicks and the dead shit security guard approaching fast. MacGyver constructs a grappling hook out of an old umbrella which would certainly be strong enough to hold the weight of a grown man and uses it to climb the wall to safety. Paul unfortunately isn't fast enough to get away and is taken by the security guard. He doesn't seem too worried as those guys are his friends and he doesn't know they are going to sell him to a creeper in about 5 minutes.

This puts MacGyver back at square one. He has no leads except for an address on the back of the postcard Sam gave him. The address is that of the museum doing research about the wish child. Yeah, sounds like a legit museum to me and totally not some underground pedo ring. The museum is indeed bullshit, with Chinese artifacts as authentic as ones claiming to be from the Ming Dynasty for sale at a bus station in Romania.

MacGyver meets up with Star Trek dude in the museum who is shocked to see a white dude in there. Some casual racism, why not? A white person interested in foreign culture? Get the fuck outta here.

Star Trek guy explains the legend of the wish child to MacGyver again, meaning that the audience is well fucking versed in the alleged abilities of this kid. Fuck me, I feel like I'm the wish child I've heard so much about him.

In an emotional scene, well it would have been emotional if Paul wasn't such a fucking garbage actor, the kid retells the story of how his parents died in the car crash on that fateful day. Stone didn't give two shits, he just wants the cash from creepy Mr. Lee, who in the next scene steps up the creep factor 10 fold with the line "I want to be with the boy forever, so I will live forever". Jesus Christ.

MacGyver convinces Star Trek to tell him where the sale is going down using good old fashioned guilt with the cutting line "you helped sell a 14 year old boy into slavery for life". Some goon busts into the museum shooting and killing Star Trek. In his last dying breath he reveals the transaction is going down in the freighter at Pier 63. Can MacGyver get there in time? Experience watching the show would tell me yes, yes he can.

Inside the freighter, Mr. Lee has one last test for Paul to prove that he's the wish child. Legend has it the wish child made an impression with his hand in a cave some 400 years ago. Paul's hand somehow matches this impression perfectly proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the wish child. Except that the whole thing is bullshit and he actually isn't.

Mr. Lee creepily states "the money is yours the child is mine" and Paul finally realises that something is wrong, very, very wrong. Stone and Mr. Lee get out of there, locking Paul in the freighter. Things have taken a serious turn for the worst for Paul. He thought Stone was going to buy him some Reebok Pumps or some shit but instead he's now owned by an old weird Chinese dude who seems way too into teenage boys.

Up on deck Mr. Lee hands Stone $1 million in gold, straps it to him and his goons throw him off the ship into a watery grave. Mr. Lee could have simply killed Stone and thrown him overboard saving $1 million. Clearly the dude is rich as shit and doesn't give a fuck. He's a showman. That is one redeeming feature.

MacGyver’s going to have to get on that boat and fast otherwise Paul is gone for good. Spending the rest of your life with Mr. Lee isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy. I was briefly worried MacGyver wasn't going to be able to get on the boat but I quickly remembered he is a master of disguise. MacGyver let us in on this timely advice "old Minnesota wisdom, if you don't want to be touched, look untouchable".  His disguise was badass to the max. Lots of self applied engine grease, like way too much and some sweet overalls. It certainly did the trick as MacGyver walked straight onto that boat and nobody went anywhere near him.

On the boat MacGyver gets to work tracking down Paul. Some dude questions his presence on the vessel so MacGyver winching him to the ceiling, pretty much telling him to shut the fuck up.

Just in case you'd never seen the show before, MacGyver reconfirms he hates guns, but he has to break into the room to rescue Paul and only has a gun to do so. He does this by putting gun powder in the door and hitting it with the back of the gun. Perfect!

Paul is stoked as shit to see MacGyver, now they just have to get off the boat, kind of like Under Siege but with less cans.

Mr. Lee finds discovers the escape plan and after dropping $1 million in gold into the ocean and finding a boy "he can meld his soul with" aka bone, he sure as shit isn't going to let them get away without a fight. MacGyver decided the best way to defeat Mr. Lee is to trick him into thinking the wish child is super powerful. He does this by making the statue of the wish child look like its floating by getting the kid to hold it in the air while he fills the room with fire extinguisher fumes, creating a haze. Weak as fucking piss.

It works however as Mr. Lee gets all confused giving MacGyver enough time to push him out of the way in another weak as fuck moment and the two flee. Mr. Lee sounds the alarm and informs the crew that the boy must not leave the ship. I assume he had an erection while yelling that over the loud speaker, as he was heading back to that room for sex. Paul is one lucky kid.

MacGyver beats the shit out of a goon proving that perhaps he did learn something from Lisa during their Karate class. There was only the one goon, well two but MacGyver had previously winched that dude to the ceiling, so they get off the ship relatively easily by going the back way. Upon seeing Paul leaving the ship, Mr. Lee has a heart attack and falls off the ship dead.

I though some dudes may chase them but MacGyver and Paul simply walk away. The action cuts back to MacGyver's house where Lisa shows up and the three of them enjoy some pizza. What a happy ending to what could have otherwise been a very disturbing tale.

As a series, MacGyver wasn't afraid to tackle the big issues. This episode was clearly about human trafficking and paedophile rings. Mr. Lee probably had AIDs too so the episode also dealt with that issue, just on a much smaller scale.

MacGyver taught us that it's possible to fool deadshits with a remote control car, that you can make anything appear to float using a fire extinguisher, an umbrella frame is strong enough to hold the weight of an adult male and that rich paedophiles can attempt to look less pedo by being into old legends.