#203: Twice Stung (6 October 1986)

MacGyver is running late for his friends birthday. Luckily he's able to charter a fighter jet allowing him to get there just in time. This is the kind of pull MacGyver has. Late for a party 1000 miles away? No problem just get someone to drop you off in a fighter jet. MacGyver quips "It may not have been first class seating but who cares with pilots like this", who happens to be a hot brunette and one that MacGyver has either already banged or is about to bang. He probably tried to bone her in the jet which would have been inappropriate due to the complexities of flying a fighter jet, especially for a woman. 

After the boning scene, cut from the final edit, MacGyver shows up at the Phoenix Foundation. "The Phoenix foundation has thrown some wild parties before, but this time Pete really decided to do it up right". 

I'm sure the parties the Phoenix Foundation throw are absolutely fucking insane. MacGyver and Pete are both animals so I'm sure there is more coke than the final scene in Scarface and I wouldn't be surprised if some people die. Lots of tits too. Like heaps.

This party kinda looked a bit lame, so I assume the "Pete really decided to do it up right" was sarcasm. MacGyver is starting to realise that perhaps chartering the fighter jet for this shit was a total waste of resources. Still it's all on the company dime so he doesn't give a shit.

It's a surprise party and in an incident that has never happened on television before, the wrong person, in this instance MacGyver, enters and the guests yell "surprise". Everyone has to quickly get back into position before the real guest shows up. Will they have enough time! It appears they have plenty of time as the birthday boy Kelly has decided to not show up at all. Kelly has also decided to give MacGyver his favourite pool cue which is weird as it's Kelly's birthday so MacGyver should be giving him something. Suspecting something is wrong MacGyver heads to Kelly's place.

Inside, Kelly has shut all the windows and turned on the gas. He was trying to kill himself, probably because he'd caught wind that the Phoenix Foundation had thrown him a dog shit birthday party.

With the door locked MacGyver had to utilise the old tie-a-fire-hose-to-a-door-and-elevator-then-send-the-elevator-to-the-ground-floor trick. It worked getting MacGyver inside just in time. "Happy birthday Kelly". Kelly looked kind of pissed that MacGyver hadn't brought him a gift. How about the gift of life you ungrateful mother fucker. 

MacGyver: What was going through your mind?

Kelly: Leave it alone.

MacGyver: No I wont!

Kelly reveals that he's broke. He was cheated out of his life saving by some sketchy property developer. MacGyver knows a way Kelly can make some money, but it's unlikely Kelly swings that way.

MacGyver asks for a name and Kelly reluctantly gives him one, James Crowe, a badass who has been known to kill people. 

Pete does some research on the Commodore 64 and find out that Crowe sells coke, which immediately piques MacGyver's interests, he's a stickup man and general fraudster. he also has a penchant for white suits and panama hats. 

Enter Joanne Rimming, a new Phoenix Foundation employee with a dubious name that will give MacGyver his first pickup line. The two are introduced and Joanne reveals that she's heard of MacGyver, he's the guy that does the whatchamacallits, the MacGyverisms, where you turn one thing into another. MacGyver is stoked that Joanne has heard of him as it should make getting her into bed that little bit easier. No doubt he'll be trying a MacGyverism on her, turning her virginal ass into a fully penetrated one.

It turns out that Joanne is an expert on cons and as Kelly was conned out of all of his money, the three of them decide the best way to get back at Crowe is go all unconventional and con the conman, even against Pete's better judgement. There's the setup to what should be a classic MacGyver episode!

Crowe loves racing, so Pete and MacGyver head to the track and find him in less than 30 seconds. Pete is wearing a fucking garbage disguise which I'm hoping doesn't impede on the plan. Even though they are working undercover, Pete still uses MacGyver's real name which I assume when going undercover is a mistake. Maybe it isn't, what do I know.

The plan is relatively straightforward. Pete is pretending to be a cop. MacGyver is going to fake hustle him infront of Crowe. Crowe will be impressed with MacGyver's hustle of a cop and will want to get in on the action. Then they'll both scam Crowe out of the $400 000 he got out of Kelly and everything will be square.

So MacGyver bets on every horse and presents Pete with the winning ticket. Pete thinks MacGyver is amazing and promises to cut MacGyver in on something huge. Crowe sees all of this and likes MacGyver's style. The plan has worked absolutely perfectly. Crowe and MacGyver plan to meet down at the stables in 20 minutes to talk about the plan some more.

Everything is going smoothly when Joanne shows up. This is going to totally fuck up the plan. Joanne reveals that she is tired of being in the office, she wants to be out in the field where the action is. MacGyver totally would have boned her right there in the stables as part of her "field work" but Crowe shows up so that'll have to be postponed. 

Crowe is about the beat the living piss out of a trainer who didn't do what he was told to. MacGyver has to think quick to save the trainers life.

MacGyver asks Joanne for a bobby pin and some buttons. Joanne asks if this is another MacGyverism. If taking a nerdy looking chick and making her hot by removing her glasses and showing some tit, ala She's All That, is a MacGyverism, then I guess Joanne was spot on. 

Then MacGyver wipes dirt off her ass.

Intervening just in time, MacGyver stops Crowe from beating Benny the trainer to death. Benny had better do what Crowe says from now on as MacGyver won't be there every time to help him out. He was about 80 years old so probably doesn't that long left anyway. 

The three of them discuss the plan. Pete is a crooked cop, had plenty of gambling debts and is in love with Joanne. He's do anything he can to clear his debts. Crowe just needs to supply 1kg of coke and then they'll scam the buyer with 1kg of real shit and 9kg of baby powder.

Back at Phoenix Foundation, Joanne, Pete and MacGyver discuss the plan to scam Crowe. Pete wants to use the Boston Bang while Joanne wants to use the Toledo Twist. They never explain what either of these fucking things are so from a viewers point of view I couldn't give two shits. They end up selecting the Toledo Twist and Pete is pissed as he'd already gone out and bought heaps of shit for the Boston Bang. What kind of shit I'm unsure of but I hope he kept a receipt.

Crowe meets up with the Phoenix Foundation crew at a hotel and gives them the 1kg of real coke. In walks the heavily disguised Kelly, who is playing the role of the buyer in the scam. The disguise consists of a pimps suit and sweet beard. There is no way Crowe will recognise him. Unless he was wearing that shit when they originally met. 

Kelly ad libs some lines which wasn't the way forward. He should have stuck to the script as his bullshit ended with him getting shot at by Crowe. Luckily Crowe missed and Kelly didn't die but that shit could have gone all wrong. Crowe has to flee the scene before the cops get there and the gang plan to meet up later to talk about the plan.

The next day Crowe is pissed as the coke was somehow lost in the deal and he doesn't like losing money. They decide on a new plan. Crowe is to give them $400 000 which Pete will turn into $2 000 000. He will do this by stealing cash from the property room at the local police station. After losing money in the coke deal I have no fucking idea why Crowe would give these assholes more money, but he agrees to the plan. What a dick. If he was as badass as he said he was he'd just kill them all then and there.

So the elaborate plan is to take a bag with $400k into the property room and switch it with a bag with $2 million in it. What a fucking weak plan. They all agree the plan is awesome for some reason, perhaps they are all on drugs, and have a good laugh about it. Hahaha! Fuck off.

MacGyver pays Joanne a visit to tell her that the plan is too dangerous and that she cannot be involved in it. Well this is what he told her, but I feel this was just a rouse to get into her house and more importantly into her pants. Just a MacGyver was about to break out some of his well worn yet clearly successful pickup lines, some goons show up to take Joanne for 'insurance'. Knowing that there isn't even enough time for a quick blowjob MacGyver decides he'd better rig up something that can be used to take out the goons. Joanne had been doing some amateur photography, with emphasis on the amateur, before MacGyver showed up so he decided to rig up the lights in such a manner that they'll flash, blinding the goons when they enter the room and trigger a switch. So he's going to flash a bright light in their eyes. Weak as piss.

Joanne: What are going to do?

MacGyver: Try and brighten their evening up a bit.

Weaker than piss.

Almost a little too perfectly the goons enter the room, the switch is triggered, the goons are blinded by the flash and MacGyver runs into the room, kicking one of the goons in the balls and punching the other in the face. They flee the building but are unable to escape from Crowe who is outside with a gun. Crowe takes Joanne for the insurance policy. Shit just got real.

MacGyver meets up with Pete and they discuss the plan. Crowe has always escaped prosecution due to technicalities so they decide that perhaps they need to do a little setting up to get Crowe to where he belongs. Behind bars. For the first time in the episode they don't discuss every fucking element of the plan before it takes place.

MacGyver and Pete pretend they don't give a shit about Joanne. Well perhaps they just don't give a shit about her. Sure she has pretty decent cans but she is also pretty annoying. This lures Crowe in. He wants to go into the police station with Pete and MacGyver, exactly want they wanted.

Once they get Crowe inside, they strip him making me think that the plan has DRASTICALLY changed from what it previously was. They were talking about how Crowe had always escaped prison so I think the new plan is to give Crowe a little bit of prison justice. In the ass.

It turns out MacGyver just wanted Crowe's clothes for a disguise. Pete and MacGyver lock Crowe in a trunk and take him into the evidence room, where he is removed from the trunk and chained to a pole.

MacGyver and Pete take Crowe's cash and get the fuck out of there. The goons see MacGyver dressed as Crowe, believing it's Crowe and run off to retrieve the truck they think is filled with the $2 million. This gives MacGyver the chance to rescue Joanne from the caravan parked across the road. I'd say at this juncture they boned.

The goons collect the trunk, which MacGyver has rigged so the bottom falls out. Inside the police station, the cops realise that Crowe is inside the evidence room so the alarm the alarm is sounded. Police stream out of the building and arrest the goons.

The goons are fucked. Crowe is fucked. Joanne got fucked. MacGyver fucked Joanne. Pete is fucked on coke. Kelly is fucking stoked as now he has $400 000 and isn't dead.

The gang drives off in a van, MacGyver throws his hat out the window and the episode ends with everyone happy. Except Crowe.

MacGyver taught us that you can con  professional con artists with shitty, shitty weak as piss cons, that She's All That was practically a documentary and that white suits are awesome.