Eventually a
helicopter shows up. A hunter onboard starts shooting at the endangered birds
taking both of them down with a bow and arrow. One of the pilots warned
against shooting the birds, claiming it is illegal. The shooter clearly doesn't give a fuck. Both of the eagles were injured
but are alive.
MacGyver
attempted to stop the hunter from killing the birds by reflecting sun into
their eyes with a mirror or as MacGyver put it “showing them the light”. This
strategy ultimately failed and now it appears MacGyver’s mission will be to
rescue the birds before the hunters get to them and finish them off.
A boy finds
the wounded bird. MacGyver lands in his vicinity, captures the bird in his coat and they head back to the boys grandfather’s cabin to repair the broken wing.
Back at the
cabin, the mother, Susan, is having problems starting her car. MacGyver will
most certainly fix it for the right price and that exchange won't involve cash.
Apparently
MacGyver is a fucking vet now too and is able to remove the arrow and set the
birds broken wing.
Susan isn’t
really hot at all, but that won’t stop MacGyver from trying to bang her. The time isn't right now with that fucking kid around, but as soon as he's gone or dies, MacGyver will be dicking Susan.
It turns out
Susan is up at the cabin trying to fix some things. MacGyver thinks she means
home repairs, to which she replies she wouldn’t know a hammer from a chainsaw. Who
the fuck can’t tell a hammer from a chainsaw? Anyway she actually meant she was
there to try and fix her son Darren and herself. Metaphor alert. They’ve had a tough time
recently so the cabin gives them some respite. MacGyver gives Susan his
concerned look, which 8/10 times gets him at least a blowjob.
The
helicopter lands and we discover the pilots have some concerns. For starters
there is a $5000 fine for killing Golden Eagles. Secondly, they are worried
MacGyver will alert the Park Ranger to their activities leading to the
suspension of their license and loss of their business. Thirdly, one of the
pilots has actually broken out of prison and moved to the middle of nowhere to
ensure he never gets caught. If federal agents start investigating this
attempted eagle murder he’ll be found and will end up back on death row. He
just “ain’t gonna let that happen”.
The hunter
who shot the bird isn’t concerned. Speaking of MacGyver he believe “maybe he has a soft
spot. Women, booze, owe the bookies, something he doesn’t want out of the bag.
Find him and buy him”. Little does he know with MacGyver it’s all of the above
and much, much more. The only problem is MacGyver is cashed up to the max, so
if he wants to buy him off, he’s going to need a substantial quantity of high
quality methamphetamines.
After
repairing the wing, MacGyver goes for a walking, running into Darren on the
way. Him and his mother have been fighting a lot recently. He just wants to get
out and explore, live a little, but his mother is too worried he’s going to get
hurt and won’t let him do anything. MacGyver is definitely thinking, “fuck her,
do what you want”. It also turns out Darren is some sort of bird expert,
especially eagles, which he’s been studying for years.
Back at the
house Darren asks his mother if MacGyver can stay over. She is says he can,
opening the door just that little further for MacGyver. It’s also conveniently
Darren’s bedtime, giving them the place all to themselves.
MacGyver
comments “the only arguments I ever had with my mother were about bed time. I
finally let her stay up until ten.” This hilarious joke eases the tension but
not for long. Susan hands a knife to MacGyver, one he’d previously given Darren
without her permission and she’s pissed. There will be no dicking tonight for
MacGyver. Instead he uses the time to read up about Golden Eagles in one of the
Darren’s shitty kids books about birds.
The next
morning MacGyver feeds the injured bird some sugar cubes and asks “are you
gonna let me touch you”? I’m sure MacGyver asked Susan the same thing last
night. I’m not exactly sure what happened between them but judging by the
awkwardness when she entered the shed, they probably boned.
MacGyver
collects some climbing equipment from the shed and embarks on the mission to
find the other bird. Susan warns him, “the North Face? It’s pure granite”.
MacGyver doesn’t give a fuck what she says and heads off. He just wants to
bring the two birds together.
The pilots
track down MacGyver’s jeep. The plan is to kill MacGyver, as “when you’ve
killed one man, killing another doesn’t really matter, especially when it means
staying out of jail”. Looks like MacGyver may be in a little trouble.
Enter a
shitload more stock footage of some guy climbing a mountain. MacGyver slips and
almost dies. Luckily he’s connected the ropes well enough to the mountain face.
It’s a rough as fuck mountain to climb. I have no fucking idea why MacGyver is
risking his own life to save a shitty bird that may not even be on the top of
the mountain once he gets there.
The pilots
find the hang glider at Susan’s house. They speak with Susan and make up some
bullshit about finding MacGyver’s car destroyed by a fallen tree. They decide
to wait for MacGyver to get off the mountain. The boy spots the bow and arrow,
instantly recognising the two men as pilots of the helicopter.
Once on top
of the mountain, MacGyver finds the fucking bird in about 10 seconds, which is absolute
bullshit. Why it hadn’t flown away was anyone’s guess. MacGyver gets caught in
a storm and has to spend the night in a cave on the mountain. He made a point
of stating in the voiceover that he would do absolutely anything to keep the
bird alive. He stressed this way too hard. The bird needed something to keep it
alive but MacGyver had no food on him. There is no doubt that he jizzed into
the birds’ mouth to keep it alive. This may be some sort of low level
bestiality but MacGyver doesn’t give a fuck. He’d bang a dog if needed.
Meanwhile
back at the house, the death row pilot has cut Susan’s radio, making it
impossible for her to contact anyone. At this point she realises they are bad
motherfuckers.
The next
morning, MacGyver’s decent of the mountain is captured in a musical montage set
to some weak as shit ripoff Indiana Jones music.
He finds a
dropped arrow just outside the house, tipping him off that the pilots are
inside and aren’t to be trusted. Lucky he found the arrow, as without it, it
would have taken him another 5 seconds to spot them through the window. He lays
the bird down in the bushes and prepares to take them out. Shit is about to get
real.
Death row
pilot reveals to the other rather normal guy that he’s going to kill the boy
and mother, as they know the truth. The normal guy doesn’t want to do it; he’s
just a businessman, to which death row pilot replies “if it wasn’t for the
proceeds from that bank job that put me on death row, you wouldn’t have a
business”.
Out in the
shed, MacGyver is going to create a diversion with a propane tank and a
grindstone. I think this diversion is called “blowing up a shed”. He runs back
to the birds and creates a slingshot out of an old bicycle. The plan is to
shoot ball bearing at the grind stone, creating a spark and blowing up the
propane tank.
Back inside
death row pilot tries to smooth talk Susan, “I’m just being friendly, this is
the last chance you’ll have”. He’s pretty much saying “I’m going to murder you
soon, so if you want one last bang, this is your only chance”. He touches her
face and just as things are looking like they might get a little sketchy,
Darren hits him in the balls with a log of wood and runs. Normal pilot grabs
Darren and heads back inside, while death row pilot starts investigating
outside.
MacGyver
uses the slingshot bicycle to try and hit the grindstone, but it is proving a little
harder than he expected. The death row pilot thinks MacGyver is inside the
shed, so he fires off a few shots with his bow and arrow, hitting the
grindstone, blowing up the shed and knocking himself unconscious in the
process. Boom. Plan worked.
MacGyver
plays dead, one of his finest moves, luring the normal pilot over and then
proceeds to awaken from his fake slumber and beat the living piss out of him.
Moments
later the cops show up and take both pilots away. A perfect ending, except the
bird MacGyver rescued from the mountain died anyway. Probably in the shed
explosion. Fucking nice one brother.
Not content
with climbing what appeared to be North America’s most dangerous mountain, MacGyver
decides to follow the living bird to its nest to collect the eggs.
This
sequence is of course made up of 5 minutes of stock hang glider footage. The
nest is located in the hardest possible spot imaginable, perched on a pillar
about 1 square metre large. MacGyver pulls off a near impossible landing, grabs
the eggs and heads back to Susan’s house.
MacGyver
makes an incubator out of cushion stuffing and vegetable oil. It’s now just a
waiting game.
The episode
ends with the eggs hatching and the species saved followed by more hang gliding
stock footage.
MacGyver
taught us that being a vet is mostly bullshit, that you can’t evade the law
forever simply by moving to the middle of nowhere, that birds are for the most
part boring and that climbing life threating mountains will get you chicks.
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