#208: Eagles (17 November 1986)

The episode starts off in questionable fashion, with the first ten minutes consisting of nothing more than close ups of MacGyver allegedly on a hang glider interspersed with stock footage of Eagles and hang gliders, with a voice over of MacGyver discussing his mission to save a pair of endangered Golden Eagles. Boring as fuck. Saving birds? Who gives a shit. Pete also knew the exact located of where MacGyver could find these birds and I have no fucking idea how. Sounds like bullshit to me.

Eventually a helicopter shows up. A hunter onboard starts shooting at the endangered birds taking both of them down with a bow and arrow. One of the pilots warned against shooting the birds, claiming it is illegal. The shooter clearly doesn't give a fuck. Both of the eagles were injured but are alive.

MacGyver attempted to stop the hunter from killing the birds by reflecting sun into their eyes with a mirror or as MacGyver put it “showing them the light”. This strategy ultimately failed and now it appears MacGyver’s mission will be to rescue the birds before the hunters get to them and finish them off.

A boy finds the wounded bird. MacGyver lands in his vicinity, captures the bird in his coat and they head back to the boys grandfather’s cabin to repair the broken wing.

Back at the cabin, the mother, Susan, is having problems starting her car. MacGyver will most certainly fix it for the right price and that exchange won't involve cash.

Apparently MacGyver is a fucking vet now too and is able to remove the arrow and set the birds broken wing.

Susan isn’t really hot at all, but that won’t stop MacGyver from trying to bang her. The time isn't right now with that fucking kid around, but as soon as he's gone or dies, MacGyver will be dicking Susan.

It turns out Susan is up at the cabin trying to fix some things. MacGyver thinks she means home repairs, to which she replies she wouldn’t know a hammer from a chainsaw. Who the fuck can’t tell a hammer from a chainsaw? Anyway she actually meant she was there to try and fix her son Darren and herself. Metaphor alert. They’ve had a tough time recently so the cabin gives them some respite. MacGyver gives Susan his concerned look, which 8/10 times gets him at least a blowjob.

The helicopter lands and we discover the pilots have some concerns. For starters there is a $5000 fine for killing Golden Eagles. Secondly, they are worried MacGyver will alert the Park Ranger to their activities leading to the suspension of their license and loss of their business. Thirdly, one of the pilots has actually broken out of prison and moved to the middle of nowhere to ensure he never gets caught. If federal agents start investigating this attempted eagle murder he’ll be found and will end up back on death row. He just “ain’t gonna let that happen”.

The hunter who shot the bird isn’t concerned. Speaking of MacGyver he believe “maybe he has a soft spot. Women, booze, owe the bookies, something he doesn’t want out of the bag. Find him and buy him”. Little does he know with MacGyver it’s all of the above and much, much more. The only problem is MacGyver is cashed up to the max, so if he wants to buy him off, he’s going to need a substantial quantity of high quality methamphetamines.

After repairing the wing, MacGyver goes for a walking, running into Darren on the way. Him and his mother have been fighting a lot recently. He just wants to get out and explore, live a little, but his mother is too worried he’s going to get hurt and won’t let him do anything. MacGyver is definitely thinking, “fuck her, do what you want”. It also turns out Darren is some sort of bird expert, especially eagles, which he’s been studying for years.

Back at the house Darren asks his mother if MacGyver can stay over. She is says he can, opening the door just that little further for MacGyver. It’s also conveniently Darren’s bedtime, giving them the place all to themselves.

MacGyver comments “the only arguments I ever had with my mother were about bed time. I finally let her stay up until ten.” This hilarious joke eases the tension but not for long. Susan hands a knife to MacGyver, one he’d previously given Darren without her permission and she’s pissed. There will be no dicking tonight for MacGyver. Instead he uses the time to read up about Golden Eagles in one of the Darren’s shitty kids books about birds.

The next morning MacGyver feeds the injured bird some sugar cubes and asks “are you gonna let me touch you”? I’m sure MacGyver asked Susan the same thing last night. I’m not exactly sure what happened between them but judging by the awkwardness when she entered the shed, they probably boned.

MacGyver collects some climbing equipment from the shed and embarks on the mission to find the other bird. Susan warns him, “the North Face? It’s pure granite”. MacGyver doesn’t give a fuck what she says and heads off. He just wants to bring the two birds together.

The pilots track down MacGyver’s jeep. The plan is to kill MacGyver, as “when you’ve killed one man, killing another doesn’t really matter, especially when it means staying out of jail”. Looks like MacGyver may be in a little trouble.

Enter a shitload more stock footage of some guy climbing a mountain. MacGyver slips and almost dies. Luckily he’s connected the ropes well enough to the mountain face. It’s a rough as fuck mountain to climb. I have no fucking idea why MacGyver is risking his own life to save a shitty bird that may not even be on the top of the mountain once he gets there.

The pilots find the hang glider at Susan’s house. They speak with Susan and make up some bullshit about finding MacGyver’s car destroyed by a fallen tree. They decide to wait for MacGyver to get off the mountain. The boy spots the bow and arrow, instantly recognising the two men as pilots of the helicopter.

Once on top of the mountain, MacGyver finds the fucking bird in about 10 seconds, which is absolute bullshit. Why it hadn’t flown away was anyone’s guess. MacGyver gets caught in a storm and has to spend the night in a cave on the mountain. He made a point of stating in the voiceover that he would do absolutely anything to keep the bird alive. He stressed this way too hard. The bird needed something to keep it alive but MacGyver had no food on him. There is no doubt that he jizzed into the birds’ mouth to keep it alive. This may be some sort of low level bestiality but MacGyver doesn’t give a fuck. He’d bang a dog if needed.

Meanwhile back at the house, the death row pilot has cut Susan’s radio, making it impossible for her to contact anyone. At this point she realises they are bad motherfuckers.

The next morning, MacGyver’s decent of the mountain is captured in a musical montage set to some weak as shit ripoff Indiana Jones music.

He finds a dropped arrow just outside the house, tipping him off that the pilots are inside and aren’t to be trusted. Lucky he found the arrow, as without it, it would have taken him another 5 seconds to spot them through the window. He lays the bird down in the bushes and prepares to take them out. Shit is about to get real.

Death row pilot reveals to the other rather normal guy that he’s going to kill the boy and mother, as they know the truth. The normal guy doesn’t want to do it; he’s just a businessman, to which death row pilot replies “if it wasn’t for the proceeds from that bank job that put me on death row, you wouldn’t have a business”.

Out in the shed, MacGyver is going to create a diversion with a propane tank and a grindstone. I think this diversion is called “blowing up a shed”. He runs back to the birds and creates a slingshot out of an old bicycle. The plan is to shoot ball bearing at the grind stone, creating a spark and blowing up the propane tank.

Back inside death row pilot tries to smooth talk Susan, “I’m just being friendly, this is the last chance you’ll have”. He’s pretty much saying “I’m going to murder you soon, so if you want one last bang, this is your only chance”. He touches her face and just as things are looking like they might get a little sketchy, Darren hits him in the balls with a log of wood and runs. Normal pilot grabs Darren and heads back inside, while death row pilot starts investigating outside.

MacGyver uses the slingshot bicycle to try and hit the grindstone, but it is proving a little harder than he expected. The death row pilot thinks MacGyver is inside the shed, so he fires off a few shots with his bow and arrow, hitting the grindstone, blowing up the shed and knocking himself unconscious in the process. Boom. Plan worked.

MacGyver plays dead, one of his finest moves, luring the normal pilot over and then proceeds to awaken from his fake slumber and beat the living piss out of him.

Moments later the cops show up and take both pilots away. A perfect ending, except the bird MacGyver rescued from the mountain died anyway. Probably in the shed explosion. Fucking nice one brother.

Not content with climbing what appeared to be North America’s most dangerous mountain, MacGyver decides to follow the living bird to its nest to collect the eggs.

This sequence is of course made up of 5 minutes of stock hang glider footage. The nest is located in the hardest possible spot imaginable, perched on a pillar about 1 square metre large. MacGyver pulls off a near impossible landing, grabs the eggs and heads back to Susan’s house.

MacGyver makes an incubator out of cushion stuffing and vegetable oil. It’s now just a waiting game.

The episode ends with the eggs hatching and the species saved followed by more hang gliding stock footage.

MacGyver taught us that being a vet is mostly bullshit, that you can’t evade the law forever simply by moving to the middle of nowhere, that birds are for the most part boring and that climbing life threating mountains will get you chicks.

#207: Road Not Taken (10 November 1986)

Pete and MacGyver are flying out of Thailand in a helicopter. The new régime in the neighbouring unnamed country is bad, worse than when they left the states just a short time ago and the orphanage is right in the middle. It isn’t going to be easy for the both of them seeing Deborah or Sister Margaret again. The last time Pete saw her she was running across the Sahara with fifteen kids and a goat. As for Deborah, her and MacGyver have a past. A past that most certainly involves a great deal of serious deep dicking.

A local shows up warning Deborah and Sister Margaret that the ruthless General is on his way to fuck the place up. It may be an orphanage but that won't stop the General from reeking some serious havoc. To combat the impending invasion, Deborah and Sister Margaret take the children and hide them in a well.

MacGyver and Pete land the chopper and rappel down a mountain to the orphanage. Pete being a novice has just question for MacGyver, what do you do if the line breaks? MacGyver's response? You fall. Truer words have never been spoken. No sooner have they reached the base of the mountain when soldiers open fire. They're in for a tough time, that is until MacGyver rigs up a deadly device out of tree branches, then they'll be fine.

Back at the orphanage the General asks the old guy where the American women are. The General believes he will be able to charm them into bed, but little does he know they think he is a dickhead. The old guy responds they have crossed the border. The General shouts "lies" and then shoots the old guy for talking shit. The search for the women commences. 

Deborah believes the well isn't safe to hide in. She is going back above ground to find a way across the border. 

The soldiers are a crack squad of military elite and Pete and MacGyver are only able to avoid them by hiding in some bushes. MacGyver jumps out of the secure hiding place to take down one of the soldiers but it isn't a solider, it's Deborah. MacGyver is in shock and judging from the look in Deborah's eyes, this isn't the first time MacGyver has pinned her to the ground against her will. The only difference this time is she isn't being anally penetrated. 

The episode now enters flashback territory, something that only happens when looking back on MacGyver and his lost loves. This flashback takes the form of a letter: 

MacGyver, by the time you read this I’ll be gone. Please understand that leaving you was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. But it was one that had to be made. I'll always remember you and I’ll always love the memory of what we had together. Deborah.

Can love find a way? 

Deborah takes them back to the cave connected to the well. Sister Margaret knows Pete, and knows him well. I'd say before she gave her life to Christ, Pete gave her a good dicking. What are the fucking odds of that shit? MacGyver and Pete on a mission to a foreign country to rescue ex-girlfriends? I'm saying 1/10.

There is only one thing better than a love story, a double love story. Involving nuns. Because then they have to choose between love and cock. The fact that doubt will occur later in the episode is cemented with this exchange: 

You look wonderful.

You’re not looking so bad yourself.

Then this exchange takes place:

MacGyver: Hey sorry about that tackle out there.

Deborah: Second time I’ve fallen for you.

MacGyver: Your hair is longer than it used to be.

Deborah: Yours is shorter.

MacGyver: This is like old times, getting you out of trouble.

There is no way they won't be boning in about 2 scenes. 

MacGyver steals a baseball from a kid and makes some bullshit deal that he'll buy him a new one at some unspecified date in the future. The kid stupidly agrees. He'll never see a baseball from MacGyver. Ever.

MacGyver looks around the cave, collects some cans and grease and manufactures an alarm system, out of some cans and grease. Deborah comments "still doing it, making things out of thin air". They're called MacGyverisms get with the fucking lingo. If anyone enters the cave, MacGyver will know about it. MacGyver also makes a fake bomb out of animal fat for some reason.

It turns out Deborah and Sister Margaret are both on the General's death list. MacGyver had better rescue them, as that doesn't sound like a list anyone wants to be on.

The General locates the secret entrance to the cave setting off MacGyver's alarm. Upon entering the cave, the fake bomb is released slowing the General and his men down for approximately 4 seconds.

This 4 seconds buys them enough time to get to the helicopter and take off. The General fires off a few shots, hitting the pilot in the leg, causing him to lose control of the helicopter. Deborah topples out to the ground and MacGyver jumps out after her. Lucky the copter was only 50 feet above ground and it is possible to fall that far with no consequence. Once on the ground, MacGyver tells Pete to take off and yells out "Bulgaria". Fuck knows why. 

Deborah and MacGyver run off, eluding the soldiers in pursuit. 

I couldn't help but wonder, what did MacGyver mean when he shouted "Bulgaria" to Pete? Did it mean they'd meet up in Bulgaria? It could well be that, but seeing they are currently in South East Asia I would have thought there were several geographically locations much fucking easier to get to. Just when I couldn't take it anymore, MacGyver revealed what Bulgaria means, it's a code him and Pete have for a pick up time. Pete will come back to the place they parted in 8 hours, if they miss that he'll be back 16 hours after that, etc, etc.

The landing at a nearby refugee camp is dicey as shit probably because a few seconds earlier the pilot stated "I have no feeling in my legs and can't work the pedals". This obviously makes flying a helicopter difficult. They are probably lucky they didn't die in a ball of twisted metal. Pete, Sister Margaret and the Pilot quickly come to the realisation that the helicopter is beyond fucked. Pete quips "Sister if you’ve got a direct line upstairs, put in a call". She doesn't have a direct line to god obviously as she refuses isn't able to put in this call that Pete requested.

They run into a a French guy who is running the refugee camp. Pete breaks out some dogshit French impressing nobody, and quite frankly everyone in close proximity felt some vicarious embarrassment. Luckily the pilot is fine but they desperately need someone to fix the helicopter. In a stroke of misfortune, it appears the helicopter repair man has been sent to Bankok.

MacGyver tries to throw the General and his men off the scent by creating fake tracks. The General determines the tracks are fake in less than 10 seconds and the men are on their way. 

Enter radical MacGyver quote number 50 "When it comes down to me versus the situation... I don't like the situation to win". Fuck yeah. When it's MacGyver versus a situation, any situation, even that asshole from that TV show named The Situation, MacGyver will do anything, and I do mean anything, to win. He'd probably kill a child if he had to. He may well have already.

As if to prove he'll do anything, even dogshit that can't work at all, MacGyver rigs up a trap ready to fling rocks into the air once a rope is burned through by the sun, a so called solar fuse. The solar fuse is constructed by simply exposing the rope to the sun. Weak as fucking shit. The rock thrower does its shit. The General comments "this man is quite ingenious". What little he knows. 

After rigging up the solar fuse MacGyver touches Deborah's face, letting her know that he definitely wants to bang her and even though dudes that want them both dead are mere minutes away, he's ready to go right now. 

The two of them are also hiding up a tree, throwing the General off. This does buy them enough time to get back to the meeting point and wait for Pete.

Back at the camp, Sister Margaret decides the best course of action is for them to fix the chopper themselves. Pete is like, what the fuck? How the shit are we going to do that? Apparently outside of her benevolent works, Sister Margaret is also a helicopter mechanic.   

On their way to the meeting point MacGyver decides to ask the serious questions. He wants answers.

MacGyver: We really had something. I want to know why you left?

Deborah: You were going to ask me to get married.

MacGyver: You knew that?

Deborah: Yeah. I wasn't ready to get married. It was bad timing Mac.

MacGyver: I was ready.

Deborah: That was eight years ago.

MacGyver: I still like hockey, you still like pickles dipped in cream cheese

Deborah: I though I'd stopped thinking about you. I was wrong.

Apart from the pickles dipped in cream cheese part, which is clearly reference to some weird sex shit that Deborah is into, the conversation was one of the most heartfelt of the series. MacGyver genuinely wanted to marry her and she left. It would be sad if it wasn't for the fact that MacGyver has banged hundreds of chicks way hotter than her.And done heaps of drugs in far off lands. They share a kiss that would have turned into a finger slaying but the pair are busted by a soldier. Deborah drops the bomb while fleeing "I'm going to be a nun". I'm no expert, but you can't be a nun and bang MacGyver and mere minutes ago you were gagging for his cock. Deborah, you never know where you stand with her. They get shot at, but somehow I think MacGyver was focusing less on the bullets and more about how he needs to dick Deborah before she wastes her life on god.

MacGyver reveals if he wasn't in this unnamed South East Asian country he'd be at the camel races in Morocco. This eases the tension somewhat.

Meanwhile Pete and Sister Margaret are still trying to fix that fucking helicopter. Pete's starting to think perhaps her helicopter repair skills are what she made them out to be. No fucking shit. She's a fucking nun, where the shit is she going to come into contact with helicopters enough to know how to repair them? Fucking nowhere, that's where. Also the engine igniter has gone missing, which probably didn't help their cause.

Just when it looks like MacGyver and Deborah will be able to elude capture forever, they are caught by the General, who poorly chooses to not kill them on the spot but rather hold them captive in the Orphanage. The General is big on metaphor and I believe by locking them in the Orphanage he is commenting about how all Orphans are prisoners in their own minds. Either this or he had nowhere else to put them.

The General presents MacGyver with a piece of wood with a language foreign to him scribed on it. "These are your crimes. It's important to know you aren't being punished without cause". MacGyver responds with a deadpan "Hey, you spelt my name wrong". The General responds with a punch to the stomach. MacGyver clearly doesn't give a fuck that he's been captured. He knows the General and his army are weak as piss and he'll be able to escape. Just to give MacGyver a timeline for the escape the General informs him "it's a shame to waste your humor on me alone. Tomorrow at high noon the entire village can witness your final performance". MacGyver comments "High noon? This guy has seen too many westerns", which is hilarious as previously MacGyver had comments that the General hadn't seen enough westerns.

Having missed the 6pm pickup, the rules of Bulgaria dictate that the next slot for rescue is 10am. This gives Pete and Sister Margaret much needed additional time to repair the helicopter and also allows MacGyver time to escape before his execution. 

MacGyver appears to be thankful they've been locked up, most likely because this gives him plenty of time to work on banging Deborah. She'll be more up for boning in the Orphanage than out in the woods too. 

Deborah: I don't know what to do with my life. Maybe I want kids of my own. And other feelings I thought I'd trained myself not to have.

MacGyver: Don't think. Feel!

Deborah: It wouldn't work for us.

MacGyver: I'd change for you.

So far off to a bad start. Still it's early days and I have a feeling that Orphanage will be seeing more dicking tonight than it's seen for many years. Hopefully.

At some stage during the night MacGyver fake hangs himself. Deborah screams out luring one of the soldiers into the room. Once close enough MacGyver kicks him square in the face. Boom! Take that you stupid fucking soldier.

Deborah then punches the guard to which MacGyver comments "nice hit, the Tigers could have used you this year". I assume MacGyver is referring to the Tamil Tigers who are always after new recruits.

Pete decides to do some investigating after dark and finds the engine igniter in the French guys desk. Pete hides behind some boxes upon hearing the French guy enter the room. He happens to overhear a conversation between the French guy and the General. It appears they are working together. Things are not all as they seem. At the conclusion of the conversation Pete jumps up and punches the French guy right in the face, then ties him up. Luckily he spares him more shit French.

Later that evening Pete says something along the lines of "Margaret, I wish I'd banged you". It wasn't exactly that but the sentiment was the same. Sister Margaret was certainly thinking the same, as unlike Mary, she doesn't get much cock from god.

The next morning the General finds MacGyver and Deborah missing and he is pissed! It turns out they've escaped, or have they? Nope, they've just pulled the old hide-in-a-potato-sack trick. Pete will be heading to the spot where they were first separated for the rescue but MacGyver can't go there are that is where the General is heading. MacGyver gets the message to Pete about his location via a flare he made out of a bamboo pipe and some fertiliser. Pete spots the flare, they make their way to the Orphanage and the rescue is complete.

Now the General is super pissed. Someone is going to get murdered tonight.

Pete reveals the Thai authorities have taken in the French dude. I'm not sure exactly what Thai Prisons are like but I have seen Bangkok Hilton and they don't look fun. No Croissants for you buddy! 

Sister Margaret is now going to look after the Refugee Camp. Fuck knows what will happen to the Orphanage. They'll probably just shut it down. Fuck those kids. MacGyver eases the blow that the kids will have to fend for themselves now by giving one of them a baseball. Shit knows where the fuck he got that from. Probably out of ass and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. 

Deborah decides not to get on the plane with MacGyver. The love match is over for a second time. She did get one last dicking before giving her life to god. She'll always have that memory. And probably AIDs. Fuck knows what MacGyver has.

Pete bids farewell to Sister Margaret in a fashion suggesting they boned in the helicopter. God would probably be pissed if he was real.

The episode ends on an emotional note.

Pete: I'll never meet anyone like her.

MacGyver: I know what you mean.

MacGyver taught us that it is possible to avoid capture with shitty traps, that the unmagnified sun can burn through ropes, that women can't fix helicopters and that all any women really wants, including nuns is some serious deep dicking.