The second season kicks off with MacGyver complaining about the missions Pete hooks up for him. I don't know what he has to complain about really. He's constantly travelling to foreign countries coked out of his fucking mind, finger slaying chicks of varying hotness.
MacGyver didn't really go into much detail about the recently set up Phoenix Foundation. I was aware that he worked for the organisation but knew very little about its creation or objectives. Unfortunately nothing was explained so I'm still in the dark as to what they stand for, but knowing MacGyver and his sketchy boss Pete, the main purpose of the organisation is tax avoidance. And possibly drug importation and money laundering.
This weeks mission takes place at STRATA, a research facility run by a 'military hard nose' who doesn't like civilians. STRATA is brand new, top secret and needs the Phoenix Foundations seal of approval, which will only be granted if security is tight enough. MacGyver's mission is simply to break in. If he fails STRATA gets what it needs to operate. If he succeeds, it's back to the drawing board for the security team.
We quickly discover that STRATA is sealed tight as all fuck and MacGyver is going to have to be on top of his game in order to get in. The Colonel walks MacGyver through the security system so he knows what he is up against.
First you need a card to deactivate a pressure sensitive plate. If you walk on the plate without deactivating it first, you get shot by lasers.
Second, you need the code to open the door and they change that shit every few hours.
The colonel informs MacGyver that even if someone does break in, they won't be able to get out alive. The colonel certainly doesn't know MacGyver, as he can get out of anywhere. He uses this skill mostly to get out of the bedrooms of chicks he's just banged and doesn't really like, but it could also come in handy in breaking out of a government research facility or a futuristic prison if the situation ever arises.
The third obstacle is a palm reader. Fuck knows how MacGyver can get past this but I guess I'll be finding out in the next 30 minutes.
It turns out that Pete and the colonel are old war buddies. The Colonel is military as shit while Pete has taken the more administrative route, so the two no longer see eye to eye on certain issues.
The Colonel: Is this your best guy? What makes his so special? He doesn't even have any gear.
Pete: That's what makes him so special.
The colonel gives MacGyver the chance to do some exploring of the facility, the logic being that MacGyver should have all the information that anyone working inside has.
It doesn't take long for MacGyver to be descended upon by the poor mans R2D2. A moment later several others head towards him and MacGyver finds himself surrounded.
Enter Jill Ludlum, a female scientist who helped design STRATA, and the person most likely to be banged by MacGyver in this episode. MacGyver may have had his eye on the Colonel but it's unlikely he'd swing that way.
MacGyver: Do they bite?
Jill: 30000 watts of laser is a little more than a peck on the cheek.
Jill: 30000 watts of laser is a little more than a peck on the cheek.
It turns out Jill has done her research and reveals that she know MacGyver is a sometimes consultant for the Phoenix foundation, an alleged hockey player and a Camel smuggler. The camel smuggler part is a great joke by the writers referring to an earlier episode in season 1 where MacGyver smuggled a camel out of fucking somewhere.
MacGyver hits back harder as his research was way more thorough and he knows a fuck load about Jill.
Jill Melissa Ludlum.
Born in London.
PhD in systems design from Oxford University
80-82 designed the Ludlum cybernetic circuit.
82-83 took a year off for personal reasons.
83-86 immersed in the strata project.
Quite the technocrat, involved in designing a 5th generation computer and believes that true artificial intelligence is just around the corner.
She definitely looked a pissed off that MacGyver knew so much about her. The is a man that does his research. He'll do whatever it takes to bang a chick even if it means learning boring stuff like where they went to school, where they were born or their name.
MacGyver asks her about the whole artificial intelligence thing and if it is possible to design a machine that thinks for itself. Jill believes that it can and will be done in the near future.
Once again MacGyver shows how ahead of its time it was dealing with issues like artificial intelligence and man against machine. These types of issues were not fully explored on TV until some 20 years later in the revolutionary Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. For those that have not seen Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, it revolves around the sexual tension between a boy and his cyborg protector. Unfortunately the show was cancelled before they had a chance to bone, but that was certainly the way the series was headed.
The computer system that runs STRATA is known as Sandy. Sandy is probably an acronym, but the writers were too lazy to actually come up with one, so nothing is mentioned regarding what it means.
Sandy has one of the shittiest computer voices of all time. No effected were used whatsoever in its creation. The voice of Sandy is just a woman talking with stunted speech. You can do it at home. Say any sentence and leave an unnecessarily long space between each word and boom, you are a computer.
Can...you...please...buy...me...some...salt...and...vinegar...kettle...crisps?
Fuck knows why a computer would want salt and vinegar kettle crisps but you get the idea. What complete bullshit. I though STRATA were better than this.
Even MacGyver had the "that's a pretty fucking shitty computer voice" look on his face.
Jill informs MacGyver that STRATA consists of 5 levels situated around an inner core with 100 000 square feet of laboratory space on each level.
MacGyver responded with "I'd hate to be the one who had to do the floors around here". Even Pete refused to give him a sympathy laugh. What a dick. That's Pete's main role, to laugh at MacGyver's shitty jokes.
Jill states that by letting Sandy run STRATA, human errors, which account for 90% of security breaches, are completely eliminated. Of course fucking human errors account for 90% of security breaches. There is nothing else that can be in control of security. I guess some fuckhole could have put his home security in the hands of a rewired Atari 2600, but apart from that it's all human error.
MacGyver: No computer is perfect.
Jill: This one is. I built it.
Arrogant much?
After this comment it is patently obvious that Sandy will malfunction later in the episode and MacGyver will have to save Jills life.
Jill throws down the gauntlet. She bets MacGyver 20 cents that he can't get to the level 2 physics lab undetected. MacGyver takes the bet. It is man against machine. Jill comments "we are depending on your human factor MacGyver", explaining where the title of the episode comes from. I'd like to see this trend continue throughout the series, getting the title of the episode into the actual dialogue. If anyone can do it, it's the skilled writers of MacGyver.
MacGyver: I'll be seeing you soon.
Jill: I wouldn't count on it.
The other scientist, who played the role of Bobby Nguyen in the Christian Slater epic Gleaming The Cube, stated "I think we'll capture him in 15 minutes". They're pretty fucking smug these STRATA cunts. MacGyver is into confident chicks and I'm sure if others weren't around at the time, rather than 20 fukcing cents, he would have made a bet with Jill involving a blow job or something similar.
Quite the technocrat, involved in designing a 5th generation computer and believes that true artificial intelligence is just around the corner.
She definitely looked a pissed off that MacGyver knew so much about her. The is a man that does his research. He'll do whatever it takes to bang a chick even if it means learning boring stuff like where they went to school, where they were born or their name.
MacGyver asks her about the whole artificial intelligence thing and if it is possible to design a machine that thinks for itself. Jill believes that it can and will be done in the near future.
Once again MacGyver shows how ahead of its time it was dealing with issues like artificial intelligence and man against machine. These types of issues were not fully explored on TV until some 20 years later in the revolutionary Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. For those that have not seen Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, it revolves around the sexual tension between a boy and his cyborg protector. Unfortunately the show was cancelled before they had a chance to bone, but that was certainly the way the series was headed.
The computer system that runs STRATA is known as Sandy. Sandy is probably an acronym, but the writers were too lazy to actually come up with one, so nothing is mentioned regarding what it means.
Sandy has one of the shittiest computer voices of all time. No effected were used whatsoever in its creation. The voice of Sandy is just a woman talking with stunted speech. You can do it at home. Say any sentence and leave an unnecessarily long space between each word and boom, you are a computer.
Can...you...please...buy...me...some...salt...and...vinegar...kettle...crisps?
Fuck knows why a computer would want salt and vinegar kettle crisps but you get the idea. What complete bullshit. I though STRATA were better than this.
Even MacGyver had the "that's a pretty fucking shitty computer voice" look on his face.
Jill informs MacGyver that STRATA consists of 5 levels situated around an inner core with 100 000 square feet of laboratory space on each level.
MacGyver responded with "I'd hate to be the one who had to do the floors around here". Even Pete refused to give him a sympathy laugh. What a dick. That's Pete's main role, to laugh at MacGyver's shitty jokes.
Jill states that by letting Sandy run STRATA, human errors, which account for 90% of security breaches, are completely eliminated. Of course fucking human errors account for 90% of security breaches. There is nothing else that can be in control of security. I guess some fuckhole could have put his home security in the hands of a rewired Atari 2600, but apart from that it's all human error.
MacGyver: No computer is perfect.
Jill: This one is. I built it.
Arrogant much?
After this comment it is patently obvious that Sandy will malfunction later in the episode and MacGyver will have to save Jills life.
Jill throws down the gauntlet. She bets MacGyver 20 cents that he can't get to the level 2 physics lab undetected. MacGyver takes the bet. It is man against machine. Jill comments "we are depending on your human factor MacGyver", explaining where the title of the episode comes from. I'd like to see this trend continue throughout the series, getting the title of the episode into the actual dialogue. If anyone can do it, it's the skilled writers of MacGyver.
MacGyver: I'll be seeing you soon.
Jill: I wouldn't count on it.
The other scientist, who played the role of Bobby Nguyen in the Christian Slater epic Gleaming The Cube, stated "I think we'll capture him in 15 minutes". They're pretty fucking smug these STRATA cunts. MacGyver is into confident chicks and I'm sure if others weren't around at the time, rather than 20 fukcing cents, he would have made a bet with Jill involving a blow job or something similar.
The Colonel dumps MacGyver a mile down the road just to make it more interesting. MacGyver cannot be fucked walking back so he hitches a ride under a security truck.
The second the security guards leave the truck MacGyver jumps in. He needs their code for the door so manufactures a telescope out of a lens, watch crystal and newspaper. He puts that shit together faster than Galileo and gets the code, 4710. Nice fucking security. A four digit code? Even my shitty old combination bike lock from the 80s had more than that. It even stays lit up for a while, so if you are trying to get the combination using a telescope you made out of rolled up newspaper but happened to miss it the first time it doesn't really matter.
The second the security guards leave the truck MacGyver jumps in. He needs their code for the door so manufactures a telescope out of a lens, watch crystal and newspaper. He puts that shit together faster than Galileo and gets the code, 4710. Nice fucking security. A four digit code? Even my shitty old combination bike lock from the 80s had more than that. It even stays lit up for a while, so if you are trying to get the combination using a telescope you made out of rolled up newspaper but happened to miss it the first time it doesn't really matter.
Next up was the weight sensitive floor. For most this wouldn't be easy to overcome, but apparently MacGyver spent some time in the circus and was able to tightrope his way over it with ease.
Macgyver enters the code and walks in. Awaiting him inside is the biometric hand print security scanner. I have no idea how the fuck he is going to get past this. He has either cut the Colonels hand off and has it in his pocket or he high fived the Colonel when I wasn't looking and has somehow made some kind of latex hand impression out of goods he found in the security truck.
Turns out I was wrong. MacGyver simply scraped some plaster off the walls and sprinkled the plaster dust over the palm print reader revealing the Colonels hand print. MacGyver then removed his jacket, laid it down over the plaster hand print impression and lightly pressed down on the reader. This worked, giving MacGyver access to the plant. This is proving to be way too fucking easy.
MacGyver strolls into the Jill's office, who was certainly surprised to see him. Jill reveals that it was a set up, she knew MacGyver would use the truck to get into the facility so arranged the test so that she could convince the Colonel to get some extra security shit outside the gate. I don't give a shit what Jill says, MacGyver was still pretty badass to get in so easily.
Just as MacGyver was about to try and break through the security in Jills pants, Sandy started going apeshit.
The simulation is over but Sandy won't end it. Jill asks her to abort the simulation but Sandy overrides the system. Sandy indicates that there is an intruder and initiates lock down. In 30 minutes the air supply will be stopped and everyone inside will die if they can't get Sandy back under control.
Things have taken a turn for the worse. Sandy has gone all fucking Skynet and is now self aware. Jill tries to over ride the system once more and Sandy blows the shit out of the control panel. It looks like Jill has achieved true artificial intelligence. Unfortunately the computer is a chick and wrong as always.
This raises the question, is it ok to manufacture a machine that can think for itself? The short answer is a decisive fuck no.
EVAC 1 is initiated. I have no idea what this is but apparently it isn't good. Pete, the Colonel and his team can’t get in. Sandy has denied them access. One of the security guards tries to enter his code in the door and Sandy shoots him with a laser. Sandy takes no prisoners.
EVAC 2 is quickly initiated which I assume means things have taken a bigger turn for the worst. They will soon be out of oxygen, but if MacGyver could break in, then I'm sure he could break out. In series one he broke out of a Prison, a mental hospital, a giant freezer, a room where he was being held captive, and airport interrogation room and East Germany on several occasions, so I don't see this being a problem for him.
Jill indicates that if they can make their way to the control room, then they should be able to manually shut down Sandy. The only problem is, how are they going to getthere? It's laser fucking city in STRATA.
EVAC 2 is quickly initiated which I assume means things have taken a bigger turn for the worst. They will soon be out of oxygen, but if MacGyver could break in, then I'm sure he could break out. In series one he broke out of a Prison, a mental hospital, a giant freezer, a room where he was being held captive, and airport interrogation room and East Germany on several occasions, so I don't see this being a problem for him.
Jill indicates that if they can make their way to the control room, then they should be able to manually shut down Sandy. The only problem is, how are they going to getthere? It's laser fucking city in STRATA.
MacGyver uses a mirror from the women's toilet and a computer chair to destroy the lasers. Who knew that a mirror could be so effective against lasers?
MacGyver: Now are you willing to admit there is something wrong with your program?
Jill: Maybe
MacGyver and Jill find themselves under attack from the robots that patrol the halls of STRATA. They too are firing lasers. MacGyver doesn't have a hand mirror on him to deflect the beams but he does have really good aversion skills. They jump into a rubbish shoot narrowing avoiding death.
MacGyver and Jill find themselves under attack from the robots that patrol the halls of STRATA. They too are firing lasers. MacGyver doesn't have a hand mirror on him to deflect the beams but he does have really good aversion skills. They jump into a rubbish shoot narrowing avoiding death.
The shoot leads to a waste dump which is programmed to self empty when the weight of waste materials reaches 280 pounds. MacGyver weights 175 and Jill is too fucking fat at 108, so the pair are in deep shit.
Jill asks MacGyver why he's taking off his pants. I'm sure this isn't the first time he has been asked this question. My first reaction was that MacGyver figured they were going down so he may as well try and bang Jill before the end. MacGyver's actual plan was to hang the jeans off a pipe at the top of the waste dump that Jill and himself could hold onto when the floor opens. Luckily this was back in the day when jeans were tough as shit and assholes didn't buy weak as piss pre-distressed denim items, so the jeans could easily hold 283 pounds. To be honest it was probably closer to 290, Jill was clearly lying about being 108.
They escape through a panel in the roof and MacGyver reluctantly gets his pants back on.
Meanwhile, Sandy is announcing that intruders must be eliminated. That fucking computer is out for blood.
The Colonel is waiting for approval from some high up STRATA guy so they can turn the power off and shut Sandy down. Pete is pissed, he wants STRATA shut down right now. The Colonel snaps back at Pete, this is just like in Nam, we don't do anything unless I give the orders. It is apparent that some shit went down in Nam comparable to the current situation of a computer becoming self aware and trying the kill people.
The Colonel is waiting for approval from some high up STRATA guy so they can turn the power off and shut Sandy down. Pete is pissed, he wants STRATA shut down right now. The Colonel snaps back at Pete, this is just like in Nam, we don't do anything unless I give the orders. It is apparent that some shit went down in Nam comparable to the current situation of a computer becoming self aware and trying the kill people.
They get the order and shut Sandy down. Just when everyone thinks it's finally over, Sandy starts up the emergency power. I have no idea how the shit she could turn on the emergency power as she was turned off and would need to be active to actually execute such a process.
Jill is getting really concerned with the situation. She doesn't think they can outsmart Sandy. MacGyver says they need to use their gut, that is one thing they have that Sandy does not. That is their edge.
The resurgence of power also brings a resurgence of those R2D2 looking motherfuckers. These robots are heat seekers, so MacGyver grabs the magnets from inside the phone handsets lying around the office, wraps them in paper and sets the paper alight. He then throws the flaming magnets at the robots. The robots destroy each other leaving the two of them safe, after they were able to avoid laser fire on no less than 25 occasions.
Sandy steps things up a notch by sucking the oxygen out of the facility. They have a mere 12 minutes left to escape and the expression on MacGyver's face shows that he really needs to take a dump, something that will eat up valuable time.
Sandy thinks like Jill, so MacGyver's plan is to do something that Jill wouldn't do, try to escape through air vents rigged with explosives. There is a reason Jill would never do this, namely that exiting this way involves getting fucking blown apart.
Sandy thinks like Jill, so MacGyver's plan is to do something that Jill wouldn't do, try to escape through air vents rigged with explosives. There is a reason Jill would never do this, namely that exiting this way involves getting fucking blown apart.
MacGyver destroys the fans so that Sandy is no longer able to suck the air out, but they are still trapped.
Pete reveals the problem the Colonel and himself had back in Nam didn't involve a rouge computer system but rather incorrect intel that resulted in the death of three good men. The Colonel decides to let Pete make the call this time. They can't do anything while Sandy is online.
MacGyver's plan is to overload the system with electricity. It is dangerous but the only option they have. He shorts something out, but Sandy fights back by supercharging the electric cable MacGyver is holding. This is one badass computer. MacGyver is pissed. He grabs the supercharged cable in what can only be described as 'fucking stupid' and takes Sandy down once and for all. I thought MacGyver respected electricity more than that but in the end it worked.
Pete defused the explosives and they are finally able to escape through the air vents. Pete spots MacGyver and quips "I thought you might be hanging around". Hilarious sure, but it would have worked much better if he'd said it when MacGyver was hanging above the waste dump by his jeans.
Pete reveals the problem the Colonel and himself had back in Nam didn't involve a rouge computer system but rather incorrect intel that resulted in the death of three good men. The Colonel decides to let Pete make the call this time. They can't do anything while Sandy is online.
MacGyver's plan is to overload the system with electricity. It is dangerous but the only option they have. He shorts something out, but Sandy fights back by supercharging the electric cable MacGyver is holding. This is one badass computer. MacGyver is pissed. He grabs the supercharged cable in what can only be described as 'fucking stupid' and takes Sandy down once and for all. I thought MacGyver respected electricity more than that but in the end it worked.
Pete defused the explosives and they are finally able to escape through the air vents. Pete spots MacGyver and quips "I thought you might be hanging around". Hilarious sure, but it would have worked much better if he'd said it when MacGyver was hanging above the waste dump by his jeans.
The next day we see the robots getting taken away, indicating that STRATA is going to be shut down.
Jill: It's a shame we had to short Sandy out, we were on the brink of a major breakthrough.
MacGyver: People are unreliable and irrational but we do need them.
Jill thanks MacGyver with a kiss on the cheek. There is certainly some chemistry there and I have a feeling she'll be thanking him again later on in the bedroom. MacGyver will inevitably give her a fake phone number and the two will never see each other again.
We learned that experimental top secret technology can occasionally have faults, that humans are still useful in this modern world and that the computer in Electric Dreams is only the third most dangerous computer of all time after Skynet and Sandy.
Jill: It's a shame we had to short Sandy out, we were on the brink of a major breakthrough.
MacGyver: People are unreliable and irrational but we do need them.
Jill thanks MacGyver with a kiss on the cheek. There is certainly some chemistry there and I have a feeling she'll be thanking him again later on in the bedroom. MacGyver will inevitably give her a fake phone number and the two will never see each other again.
We learned that experimental top secret technology can occasionally have faults, that humans are still useful in this modern world and that the computer in Electric Dreams is only the third most dangerous computer of all time after Skynet and Sandy.
1 comment:
Lol.
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