The episode begins with the old guy from
Night Rider on a road trip with some old woman talking about some bullshit
nobody under the age of 100 could possibly give a shit about. They pull up to a
hotel where MacGyver happens to be staying, out of the city where “time moves a
little slower”, which simply means the town sucks.
At this point in time it is safe to say the
women is old, but certainly not too old for MacGyver to bang. This leaves
the door ajar for a disturbing three way later in the episode.
We learn that MacGyver is out in the middle
of nowhere to meet Tony Sullivan, part of the syndicate, who has selected this
location as the rendezvous point, so something big must be going down. Before
MacGyver gets the chance to meet with Tony, some goons show up and shoot Tony
dead, but not before he had the chance to stash a bag in the old guys car, which I’m certain
will be of major significance in the episode.
It turns out Tony saved MacGyver’s life
twice when he was running guns into Afghanistan and MacGyver was running for
his life. MacGyver wishes he could have returned the favour but he was too
late. Nobody should really give a shit about Tony; he was a dickhead and traded
in weapons. What was MacGyver doing in Afghanistan? Almost certainly sourcing a
cheap supply of heroin for personal use.
Back at Phoenix Foundation headquarters,
Pete has decided to call MacGyver home, as there is nothing MacGyver can do and
frankly Pete doesn’t want the Phoenix foundation involved. I never know what
type of missions the Phoenix Foundation will take on. They’ve been involved in
some sketchy shit in the past but other rather normal missions are rejected.
I’m pretty sure they go where the cash is. Or the drugs. And always where
they’ll be hot bitches.
The old dude gets into a fight with some
guy who sits a beer on his car. It turns out old dude is a famous actor of
sorts. He’s obviously dealing with some certified bassasses, as the dude
comments “hit me and I’ll make mashed potato out of your face”. Holy shit!
MacGyver shows up just at the right time
and takes the dude out with a sweet move that involves beating someone up with
a jacket, leather at that.
We soon discover the goons who killed Tony
are part of the mafia, and their boss wants the satchel Tony threw in the old
guys car. The old guy finds the satchel and opens it.
Turns out it’s loaded with money. Looks like things are about to get
interesting or dog shit boring depending on your perspective.
It turns out the old guy is broke. All of
his cards are declined when he tried to pay for the hotel. Just when the hotel
owner is about to beat the living piss out of him, he used the cash found in
the satchel and then quotes some play “kindness to any creature as I’ll never
pass this way again”.
MacGyver finds himself with a fucking
garbage rental car, broken down in the middle of nowhere. “Rental cars, a lot
like playing hot potato and I got burned by an over heated air conditioner”. No
idea what the fuck that means. How is renting a car like playing hot potato?
What even is hot potato? Most people would be kind of pissed and demand a
refund from the rental company. MacGyver will probably beat the living piss out
of the guy and may even kill him and then dissolve the body in acid. He’s not
quick to forgive or forget.
Back at the hotel, the goons and their boss
have shown up. They get some change when checking into the hotel and it’s all
new $20 notes. They proceed to interrogate the manager who says he doesn’t know
where he got the notes. After jamming his fingers in the cash register he
remembers he received them from the old guy who is on his way to Hollywood in a
red car.
MacGyver meanwhile reveals a few tricks of
the trade. “A paperclip can be a great thing.
It’s got me out of a jam on more occasions than I can remember”. Yeah
it’s held documents together when otherwise each individual page would
have flown around all over the fucking place. They are great. This time the
paperclip isn’t able to assist him and he finds himself stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Just when all hope is lost, the old dude and his wife show up and give MacGyver
a ride.
The old dude explains the premise of his
new movie Space Pirates to MacGyver, and the general consensus is that it’s
going to be fucking garbage.
Just when it looks like the creepy three
way I was envisioning early is about to take place at a truck rest stop, the
goons show up.
The old dude drives off as quickly as he
can but not fast enough. MacGyver is able to slow them down by throwing
luggage in their general direction. Stepping it up a notch he removes the top
from the convertible and throws it at them, causing the goons to fly off the
road. This luckily leads to them puncturing a tire, buying MacGyver and his new
old as fuck posse some time.
Unfortunately the time bought is minimal as
their fuel line is cracked and the car comes to an abrupt halt only a few miles
from where the goons are stopped. MacGyver is able to repair the fuel line with
a pen after reluctantly getting an autograph from the old guy. His wife thanked
MacGyver for playing along. She knew MacGyver didn’t want his autograph as his
films are all dog shit and this dude is like a poor mans Jack Lemon, only way
older and D-grade city. Life imitating art I ask you.
The previously pristine vehicle is not
completed fucked, mostly due to the works of MacGyver ripping it apart. I don’t
actually think most of it was necessary, MacGyver just hated the old guys
shitty stories.
The goons get the tire changed and the
chase continues. MacGyver makes a rocket launcher out of the exhaust and used
the gear stick knob as ammunition. The
rocket surprisingly worked very well, completely fucking up the goon’s car and
allowing them to get away. It appears
the goons will have to walk all the way to Hollywood.
In an unsurprising turn of events MacGyver
and gangs’ car is also fucked, so the excruciatingly slow chase continues.
The old guy decides now is the time to
confesses to MacGyver that he is in possession of what the goons are looking
for, a satchel filled with cash.
They see a deserted town just off in the
distance. MacGyver decides this is the perfect place to hide and ambush the
goons in a storyline almost fucking identical to the recent episode involving
his grandfather.
They may run with the ambush technique or
they may just decide in stay in the ghost town forever, start a production
company and put on dog shit plays for passers through.
Once in the town, MacGyver has a look at
the $20 bills. The money is counterfeit, in a twist that probably won’t have
any impact whatsoever on the outcome of the episode.
MacGyver decides the car is practically a
write off so there is no reason why he shouldn’t continue to deconstruct it. He
pulls out the battery and the car horn, which he will be using to construct a
brutal doorbell. They may have no weapons but that doesn’t mean MacGyver can’t
deafen the goons.
While this doorbell construction is taking
place, a hilarious conversion takes place where the old guy is talking about
his wife but MacGyver thinks he’s talking about his car. Hilarious! And by
hilarious I mean fucking stupid.
MacGyver makes some paper flowers to give
to the old guys wife in one last ditch effort to try and sweet talk her into a
three way. It looked like it was going to work when the goons show up.
MacGyver subtlety takes out the first guy
by slamming his head under the car bonnet.
The old guy chooses the most inopportune
time apologizes to his wife for everything he’s ever done to her, including the
shitty films. The boss of course shows up during this apology and the old guys
fortunes have taken a serious turn for the worse.
MacGyver’s horn alarm blasts the second
goon and then MacGyver proceeds to beat the shit out of him.
The old guy does some radical swashbuckling
with the car aerial. Just as shit starts
going even further downhill, MacGyver takes the boss out with a hubcap. The
boss was actually totally weak as shit.
MacGyver finally remembers who the old guy
is and can even name a few of his shitty films. It’s kind of like spending the
day with Pauly Shore then finally remembering Encino Man after 8 hours of
talking to him.
Back at the Phoenix Foundation Car Repair
office / money laundering outfit, MacGyver has repaired the old guys car! The
old guy finds a scratch, well what he thought was a scratch but it was just a
thread and MacGyver blows it away and they all laugh. A hilarious ending to a
boring as fuck episode.
MacGyver taught us that the best way to end
a car chase is to throw luggage at a vehicle, that D-grade actors can be
annoying as shit, if you find a bag of money it always belongs to the mafia and
that it isn’t as easy to get an old aged pensioner into a three way as one
might think.